DEVIL'S WORKSHOP

Taxing the happy

2011-02-14T03:40:00.000-08:00

It was the wee hours of the morning. I was sitting on the outer edge of the amphi theatre, with a drink in hand and an eternal sullen expression on face. Around me are hundred odd happy souls, dancing to the tunes of latest bollywood and tacky 90's american rock. It was another one of those B school parties.

A mild depression engulfed my sensesas I watched these people. I said to the guy sitting next to me, " Look at them. Look at their smile, their awkward yet unselfcouncious dancing. I don't understand why they are so happy. Or how they can be so happy!"

The guy smiled and replied, " What! You think they are happy?"

"Well. They look happy happy to me...."

"The truth is" he said, " They are all dancing and singing just because they are expected to do so in a party. Nobody here actually have a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it. Look over there..." he pointed to a group of people shaking their heads in a frenzy. "Those morons are head banging to 'Emotional Attyachar'! The only reason they look happy to you is that they are conditioned to look so".

"So, what you are saying is that.... they are just pretending to be happy?"

"Not consciously, but yes.".

We sat there silently for few moments. Then I had that epiphany.

"Happiness should be taxed", I said.

He looked at me questioningly.

"It makes complete sense". I was suddenly excited.(Disclosure: I was mildly high.) " You see what is happening here? Those idiots are pretending to be happy just because society expects them to be. And looking at those phonies, chronic sourpusses like me are slipping into an even deeper states of depression, thinking that we are the only unfortunate souls. This must be stopped. And taxing the happiness is the only way."

He didn't say anything. I eagerly continued to support my case. " You see, if we tax the happiness, people will stop pretending to be happy. And if they are really happy, why should they get it for free? after all, it's also a kind of wealth, isn't it?"

"Okay, Mr. Adam Smith" he said "But don't you realize what will happen when we tax happiness? People will go out of their way to show the world that they are not happy. Just like they are doing the opposite now. Even people who are happy will pretend to be unhappy and submit fake receipts of depression pills as a proof"

" I can live with that." I mumured "Happiness is just an aberration from the equilibrium anyway. A glitch in the matrix......"

THE GOLD CLASS MBA

2010-07-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

In a revolutionary move that could change the way educational institutes in India function forever, Institute of management technology,Ghaziabad announced a new PGDM program called 'Gold Class' from the next academic year.

In an Email exchange, the esteemed director of the institute explained the rationale behind this strategic move. "There has been always a group of filthy rich retards who just want to get drunk, get wasted, screw around for two years and still receive a PGDM certificate from a prestigious institution. But sadly our educational system doesn't cater to this latent need. Even the students of management quota, popularly known as 'Pauva' entries, are made to work as hard as students who got in by merit. We strongly feel that this defeats the whole point of pauva admissions. Our new program 'Gold Class MBA' addresses these issues. Initially we named the program 'MBA for DUMMIES' but then changed it for the obvious reasons."

Through the 'Gold Class' program(the name apparently inspired by the popular mutiplex jargon), the students will be exempted from the grilling routine of the MBA life. Gold Class students needn't submit any assignments, solve any cases. Unlike students of "ordinary" PGDM, gold class students need to take up only 3 subjects for trimester. The last row of every class is reserved for these students where standard chairs and tables will be replaced by comfy cushions. Every club and committee needs to reserve two seats for the gold class members.

"But the killer feature of this gold class program is.." said the director in a enthusiastic tone," that every member of this gold class program is guaranteed a minimum CGPA of 7.5!"

The institute refused to divulge the fee they are planning to charge for this new course but one anonymous source hinted that it would be "Beyond Obscene".

"Since we already whored out our institute and it's brand name for the sake of immediate profits in many ways, this new program is just another step in the natural direction" the director justified the move by the management.

However, the reaction from the student fraternity was surprisingly mixed.

"OMG OMG! This is totally kewl....", reacted a bimbo," Like, I always wanted to do this MBA thingie, but I am like, dont know anything. Now with this program, I can have a blast for 2 years!WOOHOO"

" I don't see the point,dude. I mean, I heard that the standards of the institute are already in the dust bin. Seriously who gives a fuck if you read the case study or not" questioned a surprisingly well informed aspirant.

"Well. shit happens..." was the laconic reply by a current student of the institute.

"But what about the sanctity of education? Aren't we diluting the standards of education by introducing these programs?? Isn't the future of the next generation, thus the country responsibility of the educational institutes like IMT??" was the final question asked by us.

"LOLFAG!!!" was the cryptic reply we received from the director.

WHY BOOKS ARE INFINITELY MORE AWESOME THAN FRIENDS

2010-05-16T05:49:00.000-07:00

1) Easy to acquire

No need to invest time and your emotions to build a relationship. No need to laugh at their stupid jokes and listen to their dumb anecdotes. You buy and the book is yours. Even better, you borrow it,forget that you borrowed it, and the book is yours!

2) Abundance

Seriously, how many interesting people are there around you? your so called 'friends' are probably the dumbest lot who play 'farmville', watch movies like 'Housefull' and post stupid cat videos on their facebook profiles!

On the other hand, I can name 100's of books whose sheer awesomeness will blow you away.

So even mathematics prove the superiority of books. numbers don't lie!!

3) Dispensability

In the unfortunate circumstances that you find a book boring, you can throw it away and read another one! Can u do it with your friends?? Not so easy, is it??You gotta be polite and sneaky as hell to shake him off. And if he can't take the hint, god bless you!

4) Convenience

Books are there for you whenever you are bored. They don't say "Dude, I am busy with stuff. catch you later,bye!" or "Are u out of your mind?? I am shagging this hot chick right now!!!"

And it's much easier to shut down a book and do your work than shaking off an intruding friend.

5) Barter

If somebody got a better or more interesting book, u can always loan it or exchange it with yours. Try that with your friends, and I am sure that awkward confrontations will ensue....

6) Fear of rejection

In every relationship, somebody trades up and the other trades down. It's very rare to find an equal. So, there is always a chance that your awesome friend will treat you as shit. Even if he doesn't show it, he probably thinks you are a retarded moron. May be he blogs about it, who knows?

But on the other hand, even the world's most awesomest book wouldn't act all snobbish in your hands. Once you acquire it, it's your bitch for life!

To sum up, the only reason you may want to maintain a friend is

A) If you are planning to shag his hot sister.

B) If that friend of yours is a girl and you don't want to mess up the .0000000000001 chance of shagging her.

Twitterbugs

2010-04-15T04:29:00.000-07:00

I've this feeling that some of you are feeling let down by the lack of slander,virulence and venom in few of my previous posts. Let me assure that I am as Scroogish as ever. Infact, I've became more cynical and I hate this world with more rigor and aggression. And to prove my point, here is a post full of misguided arrogance, gross generalization and incredulous insensitivity.

Have fun!

I hate facebook. It's full of retards who think they are being 'kewl'. Whenever I see my acquaintances playing farmville, mafiawars or some other retarded dumbfuck game, or share yet another mind numbing application like 'friend of the day', I feel like knocking on their doors and slapping them. So I joined twitter.

I thought twitter would be different. Twitter would be more....intellectual. There are no stupid video sharings, No stupid applications, No stupid games. It would be pure aggregation of interesting information, intelligent opinion and a place to expand your knowledge.

I heard the warning bells ring when I observed that an ever-present-entity in the trending topic list is a 15 year old Canadian singer who sounds like a girl and dresses like a gay. Surely you can't expect much from a place populated by Justin Bieber fans!

And my fears were true. It turns out twitter is no better than facebook in terms of its retard quotient. So I took the pains to segregate the moronic population of twitter into different groups.

Here is how it goes:

Diary Writers:

Somehow these guys got this idea that twitter is your pubic online diary. So they update it with the most boring facts of their every day life. A typical twitter feed looks like this.

Woke up at 8'0 clock. OMG, I will be late for office!

In the metro. Gosh, its so crowded!

Just reached the office, hope the boss doesn't notice i am late. LOL!

Had a sumptuous lunch . feeling sleepy.

Logging off the comp. Back to home now :)

Watching 'My name is khan' now. Sharukh is the greatest actor in the world.

Okay. Hitting the sack. good night Tweeps! sweet dreams.....

Seriously, I don't mind tweeting your life as long as it is interesting and full of adventures, like Indiana Jones. But it is seldom the case with these tweeters. They might as well stick a note on their foreheads saying " i have the most boring life possible!"

Celebrity Hunters:

I find these creatures the most annoying thing about twitter. Their mission is to follow as many celebrities as possible and respond to every mundane thing those shit heads tweet.

A typical time line...

@Iamsrk your movie is too good,man. Keep rocking!

@realpreityzinta Why aren't you doing any movies, We are all missing you dear!

@chetan_bhagat I loooooove ur books. and don't worry. We all support YOU!

@Beingsalmankhan Welcome to twitter, sir! Itna der kyon kar diya aane mein? LOL!

@shahidkapoor What are the new movies you are doing??

Retweeters:

Okay, they are not exactly annoying. But they make me feel pity for them. These guys doesn't have absolutely any thing original to say, and all they do is to retweet the interesting tweets of the people they follow.

Quoters:

These guys are somewhat overlapped with the retweeters category. Their timeline consists of nothing but the lame ass quotes of over rated self help gurus, famous philosophers and done to death platitudes about life.

RT @paulcoelho Joy is contagious, lets spread this virus! (my reaction: No shit, sherlock!)

RT @Deepakchopra Coincidences are anonymous gifts that point to a deeper reality (my reaction: What the fuck does that mean,seriously!)

Life is not the number of breaths you take. its the number of moments that take your breath away!

Yester day is a cancelled check. tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is an unopened gift. That is why it is called...... 'PRESENT'.

Fraandshippers

Of course, any form of social platform is incomplete without this category. But twitter is a boon for the fraandshippers because you don't need others to accept your fraandship. So, you can go full throttle on your own.

@divya K Hey, beautful, where are u from? shall we be frands?

@chaitu123 Hey, are u male or female, its so confusing yaa.....

@Priyatweets Hey darling, very good looking you. wanna make frandship with me??

@Aashadev LoL, you are too funny yaa, Gimme your phone number, I wanna know you more!

Bandwagonists:

And finally, the least annoying of them all. People who heard great things about twitter; read about it in some paper or heard sharukh khan was on it; created an account, got bored and completely forgot about it! They tweet once in about three or four months, just to, I don't know, to satisfy themselves that they are not missing out on the latest 'in' thing.

but, frankly, I prefer their approach to tweeting rubbish, like the dairy writers do.

Now, this list is in no way exhaustive. I thought of at least 17 types of twitterbugs, but forgot to note them down. And I can't seem to recollect them now.But enough hatred for one post, I think. I will update any new categories i can think of.

Keep sucking guys, or else I will run out of things to make fun of......

MAD!

2010-04-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: If this post seems like a poor collection of haphazardly constructed sentences, it is because I am writing this while listening to the songs of balakrishna's epic movie 'Simha'. Not because I am a talentless dork who thinks he is funny. I know I am awesome.

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Defining moments. Every man's life will have a bunch of them which will change the course of his life forever. When I say man, I mean man. I don't know about women and I don't want to speculate. But probably their most defining moment is when they lay their eyes on that beautiful pink prada bag or something. Yeah, I am a MCP.

Coming back to man and his defining moments, you would think that these are very personal and different for different people. They are, if you are noble prize winner or something. For all other good for nothing every day jacks like you and me, they are fairly common and predictable.

They go something like this:

- first bully fight in school

- first time you became aware of your "thing" and its many, um,undiscovered functions

- your first drink/cigarette/drugs/other crazy shit youth do that i've no idea about

- ~~your first love~~ are u effing kidding me? Its as much a defining moment as your first potty training. get over it!

- first kiss

- ~~first time sex~~ I've it on expert authority that this is highly over rated and mostly awkward experience.

- first appraisal on job

- first time some one calls you uncle instead of 'bhaiyya'

- your slow, painful, inevitable death

No, I didn't skip any between the last two items. That is what I feel. Once you are called an 'uncle', all that is left in your life is to wait for the sweet cold embrace of the grim reaper.

And that happened to me today!

I was standing in the Rajiv chowk metro station today, on my way to watch LSD. I was examining the route map when I first heard that fateful word

I couldn't believe my ears.

I couldn't believe my eyes either.

Because its not some 4 year child who called me that dreadful word. Its a gang of some 12 year old giggling girls.

They asked me something about the train schedule, but my mind freezed in that moment. It kept playing "that" word in my head like in a b grade hindi film.

Uncle?

Uncle???

I've no idea how i watched the movie and returned home.

I know I am not exactly a fashion icon. My wardrobe leaves much to be desired. Clean underpants and stainless shirts if you want me to be specific. But still, I think it is unacceptable that I should be addressed as "uncle".

So I've decided to do the most sensible and fruitful thing to do.

I am writing an open letter to all the women of delhi through my blog. The fact that the female reader count of my blog borders on zero will not deter me!

So, here it goes:

Dear delhi girls, especially those bird brained giggly teenage types:

I am not a 'uncle'. This is what an average 'uncle' looks like.

On the other hand, this is how me and other average 23 year olds look like.

So, stop f**king calling me UNCLE or else I will catch hold of each one of you and explain in detail

the history and significance of string theory! And believe me, you wouldn't want to know that!

Kthxbai

ALL WE ZOMBIES

2010-03-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

Keeping up with my Scroog-ish attitude, I've vowed to stay away from Holi celebrations in the campus. But apparently, you can stay away from holi, but Holi won't stay away from you. Sooner or later, just when you begin to think you are safe, it knocks on your door...

Having Gone through all the phases of knowledge,loathe,irritation,observance, passive resistance, active participation and exhilaration, i can tell you this: This is as closest I've ever experienced the zombie apocalypse!

The symptoms look rather innocuous at first. People walking along corridors, smiling at each other, applying colors on each other. Perfectly alright.

The stage 2 looks a bit menacing. Some where, some one gets this idea that throwing people into the mud would be a great idea. And it spreads like wild fire! Before you know it, you are lifted into air, and plunged into the mud. you are dragged all over the place in the mud.

The final stage is sheer madness. People start tearing up each other's clothes. No, really. No mercy. No exceptions. People were stripped down to their bare minimums and the mayhem continues.

Apart from the phases of symptoms, another reason why i compare this to Zombie phenomena is the change in attitude you experience. You may hate Holi, you may loathe all the hoopla surrounding it, but once you were bitten, i,e were thrown into the mud pond, you will inexplicably engulfed by an urge to infect more victims. Without knowing, you will become the zombie you detested minutes back....

Of course, unlike the Zombie apocalypse, this lasts only till afternoon, and sanity prevails by the evening. But the muddy rooms, teared up clothes hanging from trees and the traces of color that refuses to be washed off will still remind you of the mayhem that ruled the morning!

Sangeek calling Sangeek

2010-02-28T05:16:00.000-08:00

Time: 5:00 AM

Place: An undisclosed room of an undisclosed hostel of an obscure B-school

Trrrrrrrring.... Triiiiiiiiiiing...

Sangeek: hello....

Other side: Good morning, sangeek...

Sangeek: who r u?

Other side: Didn't recognize my voice? I am Sangeek speaking....

Sangeek: Sangeek?? whoddafock?

Sangeek 2: Surprised,aren't you?

Sangeek: OMG! Are u calling from the future?? Am i talking to my future self??

Sangeek 2: Duuude, this is why you aren't getting laid! Shut your geeky mouth and listen!!

Sangeek : ....... Okay.

Sangeek 2: I am gonna change your life,bro! I know you have crush on that girl in finance. I am gonna tell you what you need to do to make her fall for you, I...

Sangeek: Thnx, but no thnx!

Sangeek 2: Wat??

Sangeek: I don't want to talk to her. I would rather stalk her on facebook and stare at her from a distance.

Sangeek 2: Duuuuuude, what the shmuck are you talking? Y don't you want to talk to her??

Sangeek 1: You see, for me,she is the manifestation of everything pristine and beautiful in this world.

Sangeek 2: yeah, so??

Sangeek : But the problem is, I am a chronic cynic. I hate this world and almost everything in it. I firmly believe that the human race should be exterminated by a meteorite. I find people either incredibly stupid or incorrigibly arrogant.

Sangeek 2: So??

Sangeek : Don't you get it? The reason I am able to love her is that I don't know anything about her. I've never spoken to her, I've never heard her speak, for that matter. For all I know, she can be as intelligent as Ayn Rand or as annoying as Priyanka Chopra!

Sangeek 2: ........

Sangeek: But it will no longer be the case when I start speaking to her. I may find her boring, I may find her dumb,I may find her mean! She may not turn out to be the 'angel' I made her in my mind.

Paradise might be lost all over again, in my head!

Sangeek 2: That's crazy talk! What if you actually like her? Aren't you gonna regret not taking the chance??

Sangeek: Even If I DO like her, that's not gonna stay like that forever.Love fades over time.familiarity kills wonder. What if, in future, I no longer find my self drawn towards her as i am now? The mere fact that i may stop loving her makes me sick. So I decided that I would rather make this a perfect memory than a disappointing reality!

Sangeek 2: So,basically, your love story is Dead On Arrival??

Sangeek: I would rather think of it as avoiding inevitable tragic ending.

Sangeek 2: You're messed up!

Sangeek: But....

Sangeek 2: STFU! I am hanging up......

Click.....................................

***All the characters are fictional beyond reason and doubt, including the girl in finance!***

THE LONELY TREE

2010-02-19T06:04:00.000-08:00

I was walking in the amphi, listening to the music of crushed dry leaves under my bare foot. It was an exhilarating experience. Autumn is under rated! For some reason, people doesn't find it appealing. Well, not me!

I sat down on the steps, watching the leaves fall down from the trees surrounding me. Have you ever watched a falling leaf? It dangles from the tip of the branch precariously, a whiff of the wind is all it takes for it to start its earthly descent. It swirls, sways and dances to the tune of the wind as if celebrating its own death! Looking at all the trees around me, with bare twigs and branches, I felt like an intruder in nature's dressing room. Autumn may look ugly to some, but for me it is the most beautiful thing.

I stood up and walked into the ground. At the end of the ground is the building which is open for all around the clock but inhibited by only a handful of geeky souls. In the middle of the ground,almost incongruous in its presence, is a big lonely tree.

Its strange, isn't it? To call a tree lonely? I don't know why, but every time I look at it, the phrase automatically comes to my mind. Our campus is full of greenery. Stand any where,look in any direction, and you will find grass and trees. The trees are often in clusters, with every tree brushing the branches of another tree. This lonely tree is the single aberration, standing in the middle of no where.It is in a place full of other trees, and yet, it is far away from any of them. Sometimes I wonder how it must be feeling....

Is it sad that it is lonely?

Or is it content because it stood out from the rest?

I've a feeling that the day I find the answer to this question, my quest for happiness might end!

HATE LIST

2010-02-12T06:26:00.000-08:00

Full disclosure: I am a borderline sociopath who is two stupid forward mails away from going on a crazy killing spree. I hate people.The sight of the world depresses me to no end. So it was only a matter of time before i came up with my own "Hate list".

What depresses me the most is this list covers 95% of the people I know.

Disclaimer: I use the word HATE liberally. Whenever I use it, it could mean anything among irritating,disgusting,depressing,funny,stupid,crazy and of course, hate. Figure it out for yourself.

Also, Please note that this list is in no way exhaustive. People are very creative when it comes to pissing me off. Also, there are some categories which can't be hated enough in two lines and deserve a separate post.

So, Without further delay, here's my hate list:

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people who write www.yahoo.com as "my webpage" in Orkut. Or people who write "my wedding date or my birthday" for the question: Your ideal date. These morons shouldn't be allowed to breed. I am NOT joking!

People who send 'fraand' requests to random girls. Seriously, How lame can people be?

people who start their conversation wth "sup dude?". Guess what Salinger would have called them?

People with ridiculous mail ids like princecharming4u@gmail.com - GTFO!

People who send chain messages like "send this to 8 ppl and ur love will kiss u on nearest possible friday!" or "Bill gates is sharing his wealth" mails.Seriously, how dumb you have to be to forward that crap?

Slactivists who delude them selves into thinking that they are actually serving the society by posting their bra colors on facebook or wearing green clothes on environmental day

newly wed girls who set their profile pic to "her with husband's hand on her shoulder". Its plain irritating for some inexplicable reason...Its like announcing to the world"Look at me bitches! Look how happy i am! I am married, muhahahaha!". Please note that i've no problem watever things they upload into their photo albums. Its the profile pic that bugs me!

people who figuratively use the word "literally". The most depressing part is when you see this in newspapers and books!

People who posted "all izz well..." in their status msgs or use it in their conversations. Too much exposure. Too predictable. I don't know why but it drives me crazy. Its just mega lame!

People who post personal msgs as their status msgs which they were too afraid to say to other people directly.

Eg: Why are you annoyed at me?? :(

I don't know?? You fucking ask that person!

People who play farmville/mafia wars on facebook. Dont ask why.They just depress me!

People who use "cool","lol","ROFLMAO" in every second phrase they write

On a related note, People who write " I am a cool and friendly guy" in their "about me"s.

Girly girls who demand attention,like shopping,want to be protected, and looooooooooooove 'Edward Cullen'. Hey girls! Here's a heads up: princecharmings doesn't exist! get real!!

People who think they read books because they've read chetan bhagat and sidny sheldon!

People who list "watching movies","Chilling out with friends" as their activities in orkut and fb.

People who fervently discuss question paper after exams and try to outwit each other with arguments like "I got 22 marks, you got 22.5. ergo, u are a genius!" We are in a fucking B-school,Dorks! Not in 8th grade!!

People who think loving India is equal to hating Pakistan.

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If you find your self in the list, Congratulations. You are a normal person. And you are probably considered as a "Cool guy" by your peers.

If you are not there, Well, wait till the next list!

P.S: You might have observed that the list is dominated by social networking references rather than real life. Thanks to my Scrooge-ish behavior coupled with my social awkwardness, My social circle can be literally counted on fingers. Yes, literally, not figuratively. So i had no choice but to turn to internet for hating people. Kthxbai

The catcher in the MBA

2010-02-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

The clock struck 12'0 clock.The music has started. I looked out of the window and saw people assembling around amphi for the party.

I sighed and connected my head phones and hoped they were strong enough to drown out the mayhem due outside.

It was the culmination of Chakravyuh, our college's sports festival. It was supposed to be a big deal and all, but i find it utterly uninteresting.But i guess its okay, since i got holidays for three days, and you can't have too many of them, can you??

This parties kill me. People are weird enough without getting drunk, but they get absolutely unbearable on these occasions. Add to that the stupid dancing they all do in groups, i feel like puking....

Let me be honest, I've been there and done that stuff, but i was stupid.Just like those people out there right now.I removed the headphones and shut down my laptop. My feeble headphones are no match for the what must be a goddamn gazillion watt sophisticated sound system out there.

I wore my sweat shirt and walked out of the hostel. I didn't feel much cold, but i wore the sweat shirt anyways. These people give me weird looks if you step out without all this winter gear.You are supposed to be shivering,rubbing your hands for heat and crib about how cold the weather is and all that stuff. Or else they say something moronic like," u southies have a rough skin!" Phonies!!

The music got louder and louder as i approached the amphi. As i was passing it, some guy stopped me and tried to get me dancing.

"Swell man, but I am going to library!" I said.

You would think he would end the discussion and leave me and all, but no!

"Duuuuuuuuuuuude!", he moaned. "Y the hell do u want to go to library??"

"Because not a single thing about this party interests me, Not the crappy bollywood songs u play, not the alcohol, and not that goddamn dance. Thats why"

"You seriously need some girls in your life, man!" he said.

"Thanx. But I think an intelligent conversation now and then with a non-moronic person will do" I said and left. I bet he didn't understand a word i said.

When i entered the library, the librarian looked at me like he was looking at a ghost. The library was dead empty, almost all the lights were switched off. I went to a shelf and took HBR and started reading. For a few blessed minutes, i forgot about all the phonies around me!

But the noise out side increased to such an unbearable limits that even the walls of the library aren't enough to stop it. The librarian, apparently, has no problem with it. I threw the book away, and walked out of the library. This is going to be a long night.

As i approached the amphi again on my way back to the hostel, i looked at my watch. Its almost 3AM. I took a sudden diversion and sat on the upper steps. These idiots wouldn't let me sleep, i might as well sit there and observe their lame phony behavior.

The amphi is full of drunken people swaying their bodies in random directions to the music. I don't know why they are dancing, and i dont think they don't know either. This DJ, stops the music suddenly at the popular phrases, and the crowd starts singing along those lines. It was supposed to be uber-cool and all, but i tell you, It's really depressing, if you ask me.

Then this DJ guy plays an supposedly emotional number, which talks about the greatness of friendship, the pain of leaving your friends and all that shit. Then all these phonies would start hugging each other and get all emotional and stuff. I kid you not! Its like they are living for each other and couldn't live without each other and like that. These are the guys who bitched,back stabbed each other all these months and wouldn't recall each others names after ten years.Now,hugging each other like they are some goddamn lovers! Its the phoniest thing you will ever see, I tell you!

Then it got worse. The power went off. Then everybody took out their cell phones and all and started swaying them as it its the most creative idea in the world. I felt like puking. i couldn't withstand the phoniness for another minute. I started going back to the room, on the way, some guy is yelling at another, "Waaadddup man, Swell party, huh??"

GODDAMN PHONIES!

PS: To salinger, who introduced me to my own story, for helping me understand who i am....

Based on a true story!

2010-01-27T11:14:00.000-08:00

Setting: A first year class in a reputed bschool in NCR.

Class: Human Resource Management

Professor: The major issue faced by HR managers are under performing employees and over performing employees...

Class: reading ET,browsing their laptops,sleeping, doing pretty much everything but listening. Because, come on, HR is the mother of all the things boring in this world!

Professor: There are many ways to deal with unsder performing employees: Salary cuts, training or separation.

Class: Still doing the same things mentioned before

Professor: The real dilemma comes with the over performing employee. How do u deal with them? If we maintain the status quo, his morale will decrease....

Class: ........

Professor: You see, there are two ways to deal with this problem. First is to increase the amount of work he is doing. Second way is to increase the variety of work he is doing.i.e, increase his responsibility! For example, if he is area sales manager, give him another area to manage...

At this point, a naive student gets curious. He is a chronic dilbert fan, you see...

Naive student: Um, We will be paying him more for this additional responsibility, right??

Professor: Whaat? That's crazy talk! Money isn't the only motivator for the employees. They dig this responsibility stuff! It's a prestige issue!

Naive student: Let me get this straight. When an employee's performance exceeds expectations, our master plan is to give him more and more work such that his performance will fall back to our expectations??

Professor: Well, when u put it in that way....

Student: I feel soooo EVIL..........

p.s: The sad part is that this stuff is actually written in the text books.....

Anguish,Irritation and Lust

2010-01-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

Went to Amritsar. No. I won't bore you with the details of how amazing the places I visited are or what i've eaten or how much i enjoyed. Thats just plain predictable. Instead i will just make three points...

1. What kind of sick psychopaths would pose for pictures at Jallionwalabagh?? I mean, you are standing in the exact location where 1500 people were brutally shot dead, and what do you do when you visit that place? You stand beside the wall with all the bullet marks and smile for the picture. You point your finger into the well into which people jumped out of desperation and say to your friend,"take a picture while i look all sombre and sad"

GIVE SOME RESPECT TO THE DEAD, YOU FUCKING RETARDED SONS OF BITCHES!!

2. What the shmuck is happening at the Wagah border? I thought the famous ritual of parade of jawans was supposed to indicate peace and friendship. It is to give a glimpse of the other side of border to common public. If we see the people from pakistan sitting on the other side, cheering their country just as we do, If we do our jawans doing the same march as theirs,may be we start thinking about pakistan as a country instead of a monster.

What is happening over there?? The commander or general or whoever is conducting the whole ritual is encouraging the audience to hoot and howl whenever some announcement come out of the other side of the border. The mindless sheep didn't need much prodding to go all "Boo" on our neighbors. People are showing rude symbols and shouting insults targeting the green flag bearers.If only they were let loose, i am sure thy will run across the border and start a riot.

Frankly, i am ashamed that i was a part of that barbaric behavior, even as a spectator! There are weak moments in my life sometimes when i feel that my irritation with mankind is unjustified, but then, incidents like this dispel those doubts and makes me wanna kill myself again!

3. On a tangentially related and considerably light hearted note, nothing looks hotter on a chick than army uniform. Wait, let me rephrase it. Only NOTHING can look hotter on a chick than a army uniform ;-)

We followed the army truck right to the mothership,i.e, female army quarters, and i was in half a mind to jump over the wall and proclaim my eternal lust for them,but we had a train to catch. More over, i am not really a champion at jumping walls!

Thank u hot army chicks! In this world of perverts and mindless cattle as above, you are one of very few reasons why i am still sane....

OPEN BOOK

2010-01-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Okay.... successfully screwed up another exam. Gotta study for OB2.

oh, wait. Tomorrow's exam is open book!

Great! Time to study economics, I don't know sh*t about that subject.

Lets start after few minutes of pointless surfing and refreshing mail box in eternal hope of receiving an useful mail.

Hmm.... Exorcism of Emily Rose. Plot is interesting.

Must... watch...movie.....

Holy shit! Its dinner time already!

No tensions,bhai. Kal open book hai!

Dinner sucks. Another twenty bucks spent on junk food.

Okay... Let us start OB.

Innovation and change, types of....

Holy Fucking God! Today is HIMYM's 100th episode!

May day! Abandon book! I repeat, Abandon book.

After all, tomorrow's open book!

Where am I? Oh,yeah, Organizational life cycle,culture....

Booooooooooooooooring!

you tube - search - penelope cruz lesbian kiss

*drool*

Bureaucracy, change leadership,blah blah.

OOO... a pointless flame war with generous mud slinging going on in the class mail group, time to contribute to the spam.

Wait, i almost forgot watching the latest episode of Big bang thoery!!!

Politics, power, organizational...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!

Satan's balls! Its already 2AM.

Feeling sleepy, man!!Kal dekhlenge yaar, Open book hi hai!

The saddest part is i know i am gonna regret this tomorrow in the exam. But hey, wats the fun in open book if you study the day before?

A New year Story!

2009-12-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

The weather is chilly. People gathered near the bon fire; warm and fuzzy. Some are drinking. Some are eating. Some are, of course, dancing! There is ear piercing "Popular" music playing in the back ground.Some are shouting "Wooooo"s for no apparent reason, perhaps to demonstrate they are full of joy?

As it is customary with any gathering, some lame guys are desperately trying to catch the attention of the members of the opposite sex. Some are announcing the unsolicited updates about the status of the current year:" 30 mins to midnight, Yaaaay" ,"20 mins to new year,Yaaaaaayy"

Oblivious to all this hungama, in the ground, in the shade of a lonely tree on a bench sat a lonely geek. The bench is all wet from the mist but the geek doesn't care. He is looking at the sky. Directly above his head is the moon.

Some dude came: Hey, man! Wattare u doing here?

Geek: I am watching the moon

The dude apparantly was at loss for words.But he gathered his thought and said: Watching... Why..?? Why would anybody, any sane person, sit and watch the f*&in moon on a new year's eve when a party is going on 20 feet away??

Geek: Its lunar eclipse today. I've never watched one.

Dude: Lunar eclipse? But its new year!!!

Geek: Its also lunar eclipse.

Dude: F*&ing Dork! You are never gonna get laid!

Geek: I am so gonna write about this in my blog...

TRUE STORY!

2009-12-27T22:15:00.000-08:00

Following is an excerpt from my highly verbose and thoroughly useless Organizational Behaviour Textbook. I swear on Chandler bing that i am not making this up:

"... Whenever a Wal-Mart executive visits one of the stores, he or she leads employees in the Wal-mart cheer:" Give me a W! Give me an A! Give me a L! Give me a sqiggly! (All do a version of the twist.) Give me an M! Give me an A! Give me an R! Give me a T! What's that spell? Wall-mart! Who's No.1? THE CUSTOMER!"

The cheer strengthens bonds among employees and reinforces their commitment to common goals. This is a way of integration....."

Sheer Dilbert material!

Needless to say, I've been scouting internet from the morning to get a video of this ordeal.

Boy, I don't know where i will end up working, but i sure know where i will NOT be working!

Avatar - The story of US

2009-12-18T23:03:00.000-08:00

Day before yesterday:

Project submissions, Power point presentations,looming end terms,freezing cold,nothing stopped us from catching Avatar a day before its release, oh wait, except the theatre it self!

We thought we were the luckiest people on earth when we were told exactly 6 tickets were left for the show, miraculously in the back rows, in a continuous stretch! We settled in our seats,wore the 3D glasses and prepared ourselves for the experience of our life time. The movie started, we kept waiting for the 3D effects, but none came.soon it became apparent to me that we were watching a 2D movie,not a 3D. Somebody confronted with the manager and he confessed that there was a technical difficulty with the 3D version and they are running the 2D version now.

But even that version ran into glitches, so they are cancelling the show.

Hold on for a moment and grasp this. He actually distributed 3D glasses to audience,ran a 2D movie and hoped that no one will notice the difference.I mean, I am a huge believer of "Wishing reaaallllly haard" concept, but frankly, this is taking the concept to ridiculous levels.

So we got the money back and came back to IMT, marveling at the peanut brain of manager of Big cinemas.

Yesterday:

The watch is displaying the time 13:10. I was rolling lazily in my blanket contemplating whether lunch is worthy of getting out of bed(yeah, thats how i roll). I got a call from a friend. They are planning a second attack on the movie. This time there was no question of which is a better choice. We were in the hall by 13:50.

Okay, Mr. cameron. Mesmerize me!

And he did. For 160 minutes. When i read RGV's praise about the movie, i was suspicious, but he nailed it when he said cameron's world is more beautiful than the God's. But its pretty much redundant to talk about the technical brilliance of the movie. Unless you are in the Big boss house, you must have heard about it. What appealed to me is the brilliance of the story.

We have seen countless movies in where little green aliens come to earth because their planet is over populated or they need earth's resources. We have seen how earthlings manage to beat them and rooted for earth. Cameron just reversed the situation and made US the aliens!

Thinking from another perspective, this story is not so much lifted from science fiction as from history books. One thought that lingered in mind through out the movie was: This must be what happened when the English set foot in U.S ,or India for that fact. They came, they promised development, they taught us English, they thought they are making us civilized people, but ultimately all they wanted was our resources. All cameron did was to Change the setting from country level to Planetary level!

You see,from both the perspectives,Avatar is a story of US. And thats where lies its brilliance. People who say that the emotional quotient is not so great as Titanic, i can't disagree more. It poses many questions and makes us think about our actions,albeit undercurrently.Behind all the motion capture techniques,big explosions,and the dazzlingly beautiful effects, this is a film with a heart!

Today:

Just booked a ticket for the 3D version of the movie. Enough pondering over the story. Time to drool over the effects!

P.S: When the characters talk about each tree in pandora linked to another and the implications of those connections, i couldn't help but wonder: this concept of collective consciousness is knocking on my door wherever i go,in books, in films, in news paper articles. And each time, its getting more convincing....

WORDS

2009-12-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

The downside of being a management student is, even before you know it, it makes you a bumbling, jargon spewing management zombie.

In simpler times, when i see a funny advertisement, i used to laugh and forget about it. Now, i automatically think about the "Value proposition" of the product, the marketing strategy of the brand and all other marketing bullsh*t.

When i see a smokin' hot chick walking down the road, i say to myself,"If only our GDP figure is as good as hers, our economy would have been out of recession long ago!"

It gets worse....

Whenever i see characters in the, um...., Adult films talk about various positions they want to work with each other, i think of "Positioning".

KOTLER.... MAY YOU ROT IN HELL!!!!!!

On a related note, Did you notice that the more new words you coin, however stupid and meaningless they are, the "Cooler" you are?? So i've decided to coin lame words and spread them through my blog and general conversations with people(which are very few).

So,Let me introduce to you the word Mbie(pronounced as M-bee). The M is always a capital. Most of you must have guessed the etmology,but for the dolts and imbeciles reading this blog, its the oh-so-cool short form for management zombie.

I am sure you noticed the wordplay on the word "MBA" here. and I am sure that you are amazed and dazzled by my creativity and slapping youself real hard for being not me. People, please dont be so hard on your self. Slap urself gently...

Coming up soon in this space:

The language of the Mbies!

Winter season - a SWOT analysis

GAY MOON

2009-12-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

One of my many weird hobbies is to search the net for pathetically dumb movies and read their reviews. Because, you know, few things give me more pleasure than watching other people going down. The very idea that hundreds of people worked for months to create that sh*t gives me a high. In my minds eye, while i read those reviews,I go all MUHAHAHAHA in the faces of the crew.

Yes, i am Evil.

So, I was very eagerly waiting for the movie which i was sure is gonna satiate my psychotic appetite:THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON.

And it didn't disappoint me. Reviews unanimously panned it."The best worst movie ever!" said one. "The most atrocious,awkward and embarrassing movie of the year!" proclaimed another "Today, I realised that our generation will be remembered as people who loved sparkly vampires.FML" is a recent FML at fmylife.com.(On a related note, you should check that website. It increases your will to live in this creepy world). But the best of them is this article i read in times of India. The success of this franchise is nothing short of global crisis.

BUT...how do i know this is gonna be a disaster??

I have a secret... * imagine akshay in Tasvir *

I've read twilight!

There... I've said it. My popularity index will be taking a nosedive.... from zero to negatives!

In my defense, i have been conned by a female friend of mine, who said it was irresistible, and she finished the whole book in one go,skipping lunch and dinner.

"Wow..." I thought! "Must be good...."

Let me put it this way. It is beyond my comprehension how anybody with a strand of Y chromosome or an ounce of testosterone in their body can remotely like this book(or movie)!

Full of Cheesy romance, Corny dialog and paper board characters, this movie is a classic gay index. I mean, "I love twilight" can be a clandestine code word for gays. It may probably work like this:

Gay guy: (walks up to another guy) I love Twilight!

Other guy:(Cringes on hearing the name) Duuuuuuuuuuuude! Wats wrong with you??

Gay guy: kbye!

Gay guy: (Walks up to another guy) So i was watching Twilight the other day....

other guy: Ohmygod.... I ABSOLUTELY love it!

Gay guy: Score!

It can be used to lessen the impact when you are coming out of closet infront of your family.

Mom,dad! I need something to tell you. I am..... I am a Twilight fan!

Parents: *GAASP!* * horror!*

And, guys, you can thank me for giving this fantastic advice, You can use Twilight as the ultimate break up tool.

So....Sweetums! I have booked tickets for the new Twilight movie on first day,first show.Later we can rent "Mamma Mia" home and have a blast! *

You dont need to break up with her, SHE will break up with you, and you can act all used up and

deceived, tell this story (omitting the twilight part, ofcourse) to another chick, Score again!

* Again,based on a true FML

To conclude:

If you are a guy, There, I just saved two hours of your life. Go watch some buildings blow up and bad guys get their ass kicked by bruce willis instead!

If you are a girl, You might probably hate me for being such an gender stereoptypic person. But let us be honest here, The odds of you chiggy-wiggying with me are nanoscopical, So allow me to quote Rhett butler and say :

"Frankly, dear, I don't give a damn!"

The FUN gene

2009-12-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

A few days back, I was at my friend's room on the night of his b'day. As the crazy tradition goes(which my simple brain can't understand, btw) people are tossing him in air and kicking him all over the body. People are laughing, joking around, pulling each other's leg; happiness is written all over their faces.

Where am I? I was standing in a corner,silently observing all this frenzy. One or two times,they urged me to join the crazy kicking spree, but i passed on that generous offer. And they gave up on me and continued with their bhasad. No wonder i don't get invited to a lot of parties!!

Somewhere amid those moments, i had a profound epiphany. I can't have FUN!

When i say FUN, i mean the things people usually associate with fun: Chatting with friends, goofing around,banter,beer,dancing. Nope. Not fun for me.

Whenever people around me are having fun, i suddenly become a creepy guy who stands in a corner with a undecipherable expression on his face.Just to be socially acceptable, Sometimes i try to fake it. Sometimes i am so good at faking that i even convince my self that i am having fun. But the truth is i can never have fun.

I wonder if i am born without a Fun gene. May be i am incapable of experiencing the emotion commonly referred to as "Fun". it makes sense. If i think about many moments from the past where i was supposed to have fun,surprisingly, in most of them, i experienced the same feeling of nothingness.

The side effect of this epiphany is: I found why i am being unhappy almost always. I have been associating "having fun" with "being happy". Thus trying to have fun and failing miserably! In my case they are mutually exclusive. I feel happy when i read a book,listen to some soothing music or solve a problem. Not when i make awkward attempts at socializing,dancing and drinking! I've been seeking happiness in all the wrong places!!

P.S: There is a high probability that this post doesn't make any sense to you. But thats how ramblings and rantings work!

DEMISE OF THE DEVIL

2009-10-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

The inevitable has happened. A legendary icon and a maverick brand ambasidor was put to rest. The devil was Dead!

I still can't digest the fact that Onida has decided to drop their devil campaign. If there is anybody they owe for their current position and sales, it is him. In ninties, when Onida introduced him, it took the competitors and marketeers by surprise. Isn't it foolish to play with "envy"- a negative emotion??But the devil quickly proved himself. He appealed to the darker and sinister side in everybody. Whatever the leading brands are doing today like Britannia bourbon with their "indulge your dark side" campaign, Onida did years ago. "Neighbors envy, owner's pride" - For me it is the ultimate tagline!

Personally for me, The devil gave nightmares. Literally!I was 5 or 6 years old when i saw the "devil" campaign, and he quickly hijacked my imagination. He was a constant subject of my nightmares. Every night before i go to sleep, i used to pray that i wouldn't dream of him. Alas, in vain! Strangely, the dreams were not random. It was like a serial, he used to start where he left off in the previous dream. I used to jump behind my mother everytime the devil showed up on the TV. So, i could say that i have a special association with him in my mind.

But practically speaking, the reason given by Onida was fair enough. Tv was not a source of envy anymore. It has become a common household product. The emotion "envy" was not relevent in today's times. So i was ready to bid farewell to The devil, with a heavy heart.

But what bugs me is the replacement. "Tumko dekha to yeah design aayaa??" What the smuck does that mean?? Onida says that the tagline represents the intention of the company ( i am deliberately avoiding the standard marketing jargon like "Value proposition") - an innovation keeping in mind needs of the consumer. I may be too biased because of my emotional connect with the Devil, but i think that their new advertisement campaigning is pure bullshit!! I don't know who are their target market, but i am not impressed!!

But enough marketing gyaaan. In conclusion, Devil's workshop expresses its deepest sympathy to the Devil and affirms that he may be dead in the marketing campaign, but he will be very much present in the content of this blog and the intentions of its author!

Harry Potter and You-dont-know-who: Part 2

2009-10-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

READ PART 1 HERE....

You-don't-know-who's story:

I studied in this very school, potter.... many years ago. I walked in those hall in which you walk daily, I dined in the great hall just like you, I sat in those class rooms..."

"And So did other thousands of students!" harry said impatiently.” With the batch strength of Hogwarts i would need a supercomputer to calculate the number. Will you tell the story or not??"

You-don't-know-who opened his mouth as if to say something, then changed his mind.

"Well, I was an average guy potter. Not handsome and not exceptionally ugly either. I was a bit shy type, but i wasn't an introvert. I kept to myself but i wasn't a loner. I was not a jock; i wasn't good at playing any sports. I was not particularly funny. My conversations were not full of impromptu witticism and funny observations..."

"Wow! You sound like a dozen guys i am not friends with" Harry couldn't help observing.

The boy's face hardened but he carried on.

" I was a simple boy, potter. I used to fell in love often. I loved many girls during the seven years of my stay: Juniors, seniors. classmates.. i never discriminated against anybody. But never was i able to speak to any of them or even approach them. Do you know why, potter??"

What harry wanted to say was," I don't know, may be you are a crazy nerd??"

But something told him that the boy may not take this answer in right spirit. So he just said,"Why?"

The boy came close to him, held harry's collar with his hands and dragged his face toward his and

shouted in rage " BECAUSE ALL OF THEM WERE BUSY SNOGGING LIFE-OF-THE-PARTY GUYS LIKE YOURSELF!!!"

Harry understood where this is going. But he decided to play along.

"Um, life-of-the-party-guys??" he inquired.

"You know... the macho dudes with impossible muscles, people who rocked the quidditch pitch, people who can turn any boring conversation into a flurry of jokes and anecdotes: I call them life-of-the-party-guys"

Harry nodded. The boy continued.

"Girls were all over them. Nobody cared about this meek boy who has no special talent, but could love them with all his heart!"

"May be they were repelled by your cheesy lines like this one" harry thought to himself. Then he said to you dont know who.

"Come on,man! There is more to life than girls!"

"Easy for you to say" the boy snapped " You schedule appointments and release waiting lists to them for your snogging sessions!"

"Fair enough" harry thought.

"Anyway, its not just about girls" The boy said,"Its about everybody. Do you know what my name is,Potter?"

"Hell, No!"

"Neither any of my teachers, Neither the girls i dreamed of, neither the cool guys i aspired to be friends with. I roamed around like a ghost in these hogwarts corridors for seven long years,potter, and nobody even knew my name. Nobody had my phone number, Nobody knew where my room was,nobody knew any details of me, nobody cared.... Its... Its as if i didnt exist"

There was an uncomfortable silence for a minute. Then the boy continued.

"It hurts,Potter! If anybody needed to refer to me, they would say,"oh, that guy we don't know!" . One day somebody thought it would be cool to call me "You-dont-know-who" and it stuck. For some it became "He-who-can't-be-named"

"The ugly truth is,potter, people used to shun me. I wasn't cool enough to be their friend. I yearned for popularity, I yearned for the "cool dude" tag. But at the end of seven years, i was just as invisible as i was in my first year. Even dumbledore, the wise old man who knew everything and every one, when i greeted him hello one day, greeted me back with "Hi...um, there!"

At this point, harry couldn't help pitying this hopeless boy.

"That was when a small part of my soul split from my body. The part which yearned for popularity and fame. The part which wanted to be recognized and to be popular. It got buried in the class yearbook of hogwarts.

Ginny weasley found that book in a old bookstore and nicked it. She brought me back to hogwarts. The place has awaken me from centuries of sleep. I sensed the presence of life-of-the-party guys all around me. I saw little you dont know whos in the making. I craved for revenge.Thats when i started taking people down"

"Yeah, about that" harry interrupted. "how did you do that?? we thought it was the basilisk!!"

"It was nothing" The boy waved his hand dismissively. "I sneak up on them and recite and utterly boring and entirely useless, complex scientific fact or trivia, and their brains blow up sending them into coma-like state!"

"How cruel!" harry gasped.

But my ultimate target was you,potter" The boy snickered."The boy who lived. The epitome of life-of-the-party-guy"

Suddenly harry started sweating.

"What are you talking about?? I am no life of the party guy. I am not handsome, i am not macho,See, i even have an ugly scar on my forehead!!"

"Do you really want to bring the topic of your scar,potter??" The boy hissed and slowly moved towards him. He pushed harry's hair backward and touched his scar.

"This,potter is a chick magnet. I think both of us know that. You just show up with that stupid thing and chicks drool all over you"

Harry couldn't argue with that. He always knew that his scar WAS a chick magnet. Especially when he pretended like it was hurting and cooked up stories about visions of Voldemort!

The boy spoke on,"I took away ginny to lure you into chamber of secrets, so that we can have this talk. You are going down,potter. I reserved my best,or should i say worst, obscure,complex stupid,useless scientific fact just for you, It will be painful than cruciatus curse,potter!" There was a wicked smile on his face!

"No.." Harry thought. "I gotta stop this!" He dived and reached for the ancient yearbook lying on the floor. He frantically flipped the pages till he found the page with the boy's photo on it.

Thanks to the B-grade horror flicks he has seen as a muggle, he knew what to do!

As the comprehension dawned on you-dont-know's face, he tore up the page from the book and kept tearing up the page into smaller pieces.

A painful shriek echoed in the great chamber of secrets. The body of the boy burst into flames lighting up the whole room.

4

Harry sighed with relief. Yet strangely, he felt a bit of guilt when he thought about you-dont-know-who's pathetic story. May be he will bring into light this poor boy's story. He certainly remembered his details from the yearbook before tearing it up! Yes. He will tell the world about the boy and make his soul happy. He will...

"Harry!" Ginny woke up with a start.

"Oh, harry!" she ran to him," You came to rescue me, how sweet! Have you killed the deadly monster?? I am sure you slayed it, you are so brave, oh harry!!" She was jumping up and down like a puppy.

"Hmmmm" harry thought. "Screw the nerd! There are countless snogging sessions and endless fame waiting for me!!"

He held Ginny's hand,looked into her eyes and spoke in his best husky voice,"Fear not, Ginny! I slayed the dangerous monster! Hogwarts is safe now. OO, i also encounter the soul of Lord voldemort,but dont worry. I took care of that too!"

"WoooooW" Ginny moaned, in a way only a girl could.

Harry exactly knew how to play from that moment.

" I am tired of all these battles Ginny, My life was one big war ever since i was born. All i want now is to be held in somebody's arms ....."

SADLY, THE END!

WITH APOLOGIES TO J.K.ROWLING

IN FOND MEMORY OF MY LEGAL ASPECTS OF BUSINESS EXAM, DURING WHICH I CONCEIVED THIS STORY!

DEDICATED TO ALL THE YOU-DONT-KNOW-WHOS OUT THERE WHO LIVE AN INVISIBLE LIFE UNDER THE SHADOWS OF HARRY POTTERS .

Harry Potter and You-dont-know-who : An untold Story!

2009-10-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter felt a rush of adrenaline as he entered the legendary chamber of secrets.

" I am a hero!" he thought. "I solved another mystery!"

As always, our boy who lived conveniently deluded himself that his impossibly intelligent and irritating friend Hermoinne and generally useless and dumb tag-along Ron had nothing to do with this adventure.

It all started few months ago. Their caretaker's fricking cat was frozen by some weird spell and a writing on the wall announced that the chamber of secrets has been opened. It warned them of a monster being unleashed and predicted punishments for the "Wrong people". People thought it was a sick joke till people started dropping dead all over the corridors of Hogwarts. They are not dead, technically atleast. They are frozen and became unconscious, just like the cat, and panic spread quickly among the staff and students.

Now, Potter couldn't care less what is happening to his "friends", but what pissed him off is that this mayhem thwarted his clandestine snogging sessions with hotties of hogwarts. The teachers continuously patrolled the corridors day and night and he is sick and tired of doing it inside the invisibility cloak. Moreover, those chicks are too scared of the monster that is attacking the students to come out of the dormitories.

"I gotta slay this monster thing" he thought with his congenital arrogance.

But he couldn't solve the mystery for many days, for we know that he is not special or gifted in anyway, if you ignore that freaky scar on his forehead. All his victories are a combination of sheer luck, coincidences and lot of unacknowledged help from his friends.

Then one day, hermoinne solved the mystery and furnished harry with all the answers. Harry immediately went into delusion mode, and convinced himself that he is the one who solved the mystery. Clearly, he is a born manager!

Now,as he is walking through the ruins of the ancient chamber, he thought" Cool! Now all i have to do is to find and kill the monster! how hard will it be for an unarmed 12 year old child to kill a 30 foot snake which can kill just by its stare??"

As he walked deep into the chamber, he saw Ginny Weasly lying unconscious on the floor. Lying beside her was what appeared to be an old hogwarts yearbook. As he approached to reach the book, it opened by itself. The pages started fluttering and a magnificent light rose from the book. To harry's amazement, the light formed into the shape of a young boy, of 17-18 years old. He was dressed in hogwart's robes.

It suddenly hit him. He knew who this boy was!! He SIMPLY knew!!

"Merlin's beard!" he exclaimed.” You are... You are... "You know who"!!!", You are "He-who-must-not-be-named!!"

The boy looked hurt.

"No", he said." I am "You-don't-know-who" a.k.a "He-who-can't-be-named"!!"

Harry is confused. The thought of You know who made him wet his pants, but if this is not him, there is no reason to be afraid.

"Who the hell is you-don't-know-who??" he raised his voice. "never heard of him!!"

The boy coldly stared at him. and uttered his next words with contempt ” That is precisely why, Potter, is i am you-don't-know-who!!"

"ok,buddy" harry said," Nice to meet you and all but if u excuse me, i've a monster to slay"

The boy rolled his eyes. "You dumb fcuk! Don't u get it?? There is no monster. It is ME who is causing all the havoc in hogwarts!"

"Oh,my god!" harry whispered,"But why?"

"I will tell u harry. You have right to know. you and people like you are the reason why i am standing here like a ghost."

Then the you-don't-know-who started his story.

Part 2

Separation

2009-10-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

My heart skipped a beat when i saw her.

I thought i was dreaming.

And yet there she was, before my eyes!

A rush of emotion swept me away as i approached her.It was more than two weeks since i last saw her.

The separation has been terrible.

I gently touched her,as if to confirm that she is real,that she is not some dream i am having....

She is real!

"Its been a long time!", i thought.

I knew her from 3 years. She used to be with my brother. when he introduced me to her, it was love at first sight for me!

I can see you gasping in horror and muttering,"You pervert!"

All i can say is,"All is fair in love!". I couldn't help it!!

I used to see her occasionally, and my heart used to yearn for her. Whenever i used to see them together, i used to burn with envy and jealousy!

As if by divine intervention, one day my brother declared that things weren't working out between them.More over, he found someone else. Someone more sophisticated,someone better!

I repressed my urge to jump with joy! Now is the opportunity to win her over!!!

And i DID win her,and she had been my companion for over 18 months now.

I ran my hands through her body.I know how to turn her on!

Her face started glowing radiantly.

I missed you!

She is not perfect. She had many faults.She used to irritate me to no end sometimes, but still i can't live without her.

I am addicted to her!

I thought of all the times i spent with her,hours and hours into night, sometimes even till the crack of the dawn!

What would if do without you?

I carefully took her into my lap.

I thought i would never see you again!

Two weeks ago, she suffered an accident due to my negligence,I was told that there was a chance that she might not survive.

I was devastated. I spent many sleepless nights silently crying my heart out. Can i ever forgive my self if anything happened to her??

Friends tried to assuage me. They adviced me to not to worry much.

"Nothing can be done by brooding over what happened". they said,"If even she is gone, you will eventually get another one"

But it will not be the same!

Thankfully, Universe decided to smile upon me. Now,there she was, sitting in my lap,beaming at me as if nothing happened!She was not stunning as she was once. One can see the signs of aging. But that didn't matter to me. All i care for is her safety.

I will never let anything happen to you again!

With my heart thumping, with my finger trembling, i slowly reached for her and...........

clicked on the internet explorer icon.

My LAPTOP IS BACK!!

***********************************************************************

In celebration of getting my laptop back after a repair ;)

RoFlMaOlOl:):P:D;):O

2009-10-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that i am a SCP. and needless to say, i am not exactly a chatty person. I don't know what to say after "How are you?". I never used the Gtalk or messenger much. So I was in for a rude shock when i started chatting with a friend the other day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: Blah,blah,blah,blah

FRD: brb

Me: ?????????????

FRD: You don't know what brb is? lol!!!

Me: lol??

FRD: lol?? ROFL!!!!!

Me: um.....

FRD: ROFLOL!!!!!

Me: um, Are we still talking in English??

FRD: ROFLMAO!!!!

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See? While i was spending my time watching b-grade bollywood movies, a whole new language evolved around me. Suddenly, i feel like a monkey lost in manhattan!

May be its me, but this acronyms get on my nerves sometimes. I mean, i agree that they are useful in conveying our emotions and all that stuff, but i am afraid that we are overusing them. There are people who end their every sentence with a customory LOL! Seriously guyz, when was the last time you ACTUALLY Rolled on the floor laughing out loud?? ( Yes, i've done my research and now i am no more a monkey!). And don't get me started about the stupid expression,"Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!"!!!

This is not limited to words.I know a certain person who liberally sprinkles his message with question marks and exclamations and ofcourse, stupid smiley symbols. A typical message from him looks like this:

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!! How are you??????????????? busy these days??????????

Got any girlfriends!!! :P :P :P

Now,this message is only two lines. Imagine a message of ten or twelve lines and you get the drift!

Yaar, if you are reading this, be a little frugal with ?s and !s, for the sake of others' eyes....

To all the other chat-savvy people, the next time before you type a lol, please ask yourself, "Am i reaaaalllly laughing out loud? or do i use it just because i think this a "kewl" thing to say??"

PHILOSOPHY

2009-10-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

Found in a comic strip:

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take wrong turns

talk to strangers

open unmarked doors

when u see a group of people working in a field, go find out what they are doing

do things without always knowing how they will turnout

you miss so many adventures because you keep thinking of a plan!

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Another testimonial to my theory that cartoonists are best philosophers in the world!!

Of Nicholas Cage,Dan Brown and Scott Adams

2009-09-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

One dependable way i use to determine how much i enjoyed a book/movie is to observe the amount of time i spent contemplating about the same after reading/watching it. In that way, i had a double bonanza yester day. I saw Nicolas Cage's latest - KNOWING and Dan brown's much anticipated thriller - THE LOST SYMBOL.

Both of them surprised me because they dealt with the themes i am already familar with, thanks to this impossibly witty and visionary cartoonist: Scott Adams.

The movie started off interestingly. It had a spooky feel to it. But after the first 70 minutes or so, it lost me. It became just another dooms day story. "What a waste!" I thought until i saw the last shot of the movie. While the earth is destroyed by a catastrophe, few children are rescued from all over the world by some mysterious people; call them aliens or angels. And in the last shot, we see two of the kids being dropped off on a distant planet and them running towards a huge lonely tree: unmistakabley refering to the tree of knowledge from the Genesis.

Now, Scott adams already discussed this idea in many of his blogposts. What if this apocalypse already happened? What if Adam and Eve or people from just another earth like planet who seek refuge on ours? What if the so-called Gods are just a highly advanced alien race?? The possiblities are endless!

Coming to the book, i must say i am a fan of Dan Brown. I can't argue with the critics when they dismiss his work as "Popular and pulp fiction". But his books are infinitely better than other writers of pulp genre- Sheldon,Hailey,Grishm and likes. What i find appealing about his books is his meticulous research into the subject he had chosen and the questions the books pose to us and allows us to contemplate. From that perspective, Lost symbol Scores high. But It is not as gripping as Angels and Demons or not as controversial as Davinci Code. No where near!What i liked most in the book are the last fifteen odd pages after the whole mystery is solved; where the lead characters discuss god,faith,religion and science.

And surprisingly, scott striked me again while reading the book.One of the main themes of the book "Collective conciousness" is already dealt by him few years ago. Actually a paragraph in the book which tells us that " in the age of twitter,facebook and essentially internet, which gives all the people over the internet the opportunity to seamlessly connect with eachother, the one-ness that forms out of the individuals can be treated as GOD " is just a paraphrase of one of his blog posts. Another thing the book discusses is the field of Neotic science: The science that studies the power of human thought. The idea is that if enough people believes in something with enough conviction , it WILL happen. And when scott adams talked about affirmations, i thought he was nuts!

Anyway, The book and the movie made me think a lot of about god and spirituality yesterday. I did something i never thought i would do in my life. I visited the spiritual section of our IMT library!

That thing you Do!

2009-09-24T05:40:00.000-07:00

"Look there she is..." my heart lept as i saw her in second row in the auditorium. Why i do keep running into her?

There is a vacant seat beside her! Hell!! Since when boys are leaving seats beside pretty girls vacant?

"Okay, i am going to go and sit there" I told my friend, shaking him off. He silently nodded and found another seat. Thats the best thing with we boys, it doesn't matter how much best buddies you guys are, when it comes to girls, they don't mind leaving you alone.

My heart raced as i sat beside her. Heck, i am within two inches distance to her! Can't believe it!!
I can actually hear her breath. I surreptitiously glanced at her. God, i wish i can describe how beautiful she was!! I really do!!

"This is your chance,kid" i told to myself. "Talk to her. Say something funny.Make her laugh"

I raked my brains for about 10 minutes but all the stories i've read, all the jokes i've heard, they betrayed me. I sat there beside her, sweating like a pig!

Damn! she looks so pretty in formals!

Soon i was in damage control mode. May be not necessarily witty or funny, atleast say something! Say HI!

Ask her what her name is!

Ask her what time is it!

Ask her for a pen!

Damn it! say something for heaven's sake!!!!

In my mind, i am vigorously kicking myself and pulling my hair out!

Here i am, sitting beside the girl who keeps me awake in nights ( actually it may be the heat and mosquitioes of ghaziabad,but its more romantic to think this way!) and i can't even say Hi!

Suddenly, i felt a surge of inspiration. I am going to do it!
I turned towards her and opened my mouth. But before any words escaped my mouth, a huge macho guy came and said "Hey S. Lets go to Nescafe and have some coffee!"

"Sure" she said and left the hall. And left me.

I sat there in silence for some time. Then i opened my notebook and started working on the story i am writing.

I hate being a Nerd!

28

2009-09-17T07:36:00.001-07:00

I hate to sound like a octogenarian by talking about good ol' days but i couldn't resist! I am deeply disappointed by the way things are going on here in MBA!

Currently, End term exams are going on,But the only clue you would get about that is on the obscure corner of the notice board.Nothing has changed here.

Things were different back in the good ol' engineering days (Here i go!). Exam is a "EVENT" you experience with your friends. We gather around in the name of group studies and well, it doesn't matter who starts the discussion about the specific body measures of the tamil hottie, what matters is that we have a fruitful discussion at the end of which everybody will be exhausted and we start our long march to the Tea stall.

Every college will have a Tea stall or restaurant nearby which serves as the unofficial meeting point for the students. It will be the busiest point in the city on those exam nights! People greet each other with the question,"Started studying?" for which usual reply woud be"Nay! about to".Its completely different matter that this "About to start" guy will end up scoring frigging 93% in the exam!

When the nights belonged to the Tea shop, the evenings belonged to the Xerox shop nearby. Xeroxes of text books, Xeroxes of notes, Mini xerox,Micro xerox..... The guy taking the xeroxes would dictate the passing and failure of atleast 60% of the student janta!

Barring a few "Freakish" people who get medals and stuff, the one thing that occupied the minds of all the students was the number 28.

28 is the magic figure which divides the pass and fail.

28 is the number Which represents the culmination of your efforts during the previous nite.

28 is the ferry which transported you from Supplementaryville to the Wonderland.

28 is the Holy grail every engineering student seek.

The whole strategy of the students revolve around 28. Which chapters to study, which questions to attempt, how many pages to write..whatever may be the dilemma, its all for the 28.

1.618 may be the divine ratio, but for us 28 is the divine number!

Gone are those golden days in this MBA. Everyday here consists an exam,quiz,assignment or some deadline so there is no Sacro sanctness attached to the end terms anymore! Every night stretches into 3 or 4' 0 clock so there is no fun in doing a night out anymore! Everything needed is supplied by the college and there is no need for xerox anymore! And thanks to the open book system and case based questions, there is no need to mug up the text book anymore! Thanks to the CGPA and relative grading, There is no significance for 28 anymore!

Everything that was occasional and special during my engineering days became mundane and regular in my MBA life...

I miss those panic sticken conversations post midnight at tea stall.

I miss waiting in line to take the micro xerox of classmate's notes.

I miss the anxiety that grips the soul before looking at the question paper.

And more than anything, I miss aiming for 28!!

EMPATHY

2009-09-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

This comic makes me sad..... and i don't know why!

May be because i see a bit of my self(honestly, a lot of myself!) in it!!

RANDOM RANTINGS OF A TIRED SOUL

2009-09-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

Ok. One of the downsides of being a student again.... Exams! i feel like shouting "&^%&*((&#%" !!!

So many things to take care of, so little time. Being me, odds are i end up screwing up everything!!

How the hell did students survived before maggi came along??

Financial accounting for managers - Is it universe's way of punishing me for my sins?

The most overused word in a MBA's life - Strategy.

Garma garam aloo pyaaz parantha at 3'0 clock in the night, yummmmmmmmmmmm!

Assignments, project submissions,Summers,End terms,B school fests, and still how do i always manage to play Cricket 2007 on my lappy??

Yaaaawn!

Hot chocolate at Nescafe stall at 4'0 clock, a life saver!

Babes in B-school: they are like the objects in your bike's rear view mirror. They look very near and reachable But in reality they are far away.Its as if you are in two different multiverses intertwoven into each other!

Marks are a mirage. Long live mediocrity!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!

The ZooZoos of Virgin

2009-09-05T04:11:00.000-07:00

Its ironic how the punchline of an ad can be a direct negation of what the ad is doing. That is Virgin mobile for you. With the tagline saying "Think Hatke" (Think differently),It made a series of ads which are uncannily similar to the Vodafone's famous ZooZoo campaign.

You might have seen some of these in Television.

Both may look alike, but they are poles apart in terms of quality and content.

The ZooZoos are cute and the ambience is easy on the eye. Here the characters are irritating and ugly! I hate them...

The Jokes are so stale, you will wonder what the hell were the creators smoking when they made these...

The ZooZoo ads promote the Value Added Services of Vodafone, and they do it in a subtle way. Each ad represents a different feature of Vodafone. It is more challenging.

Virigin mobile has only one feature to advertise: Free local calls. And yet they have managed to bungle up the campaign!

Finally all i am gonna say is - Mr. Bronson! Stop crusing in your obscenely rich yacht and take care of your company in India! And yes, please live upto your tagline!!

ROAD TRIP

2009-08-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

They say life should be organized.I disagree.It shouldn't be. Atleast,not always!There is fun in randomness;There is thrill in uncertainness; But Only if you are game for it! More over, at 23, you can get away with doing wildest and craziest of the things.Things,forget about others, even you yourself can't imagine doing when you are over thirty. So when my friends proposed a road trip with a random destinatWion with zero planning, I said,"Let's do it!"

It all started when we planned for a weekend trip to Mussorie.Our plan was to catch a overnight bus by 11'o clock and spend the next two days in the

hill station. After all the usual hiccups like getting late, missing bus, forgetting things, we reached the Kashmiri Gate ISBT by eleven.That was when we

realised that we all sucked at planning.People are fighting for each other to get into buses.conductors are selling tickets in black(Yeah dilli hai mere yaar!).

After waiting for 3 hours and deciding that reaching mussorie was impossible, the big question arised,"What now?"

After some deliberation, we came to the consensus that there was no way that we were going to set foot in the college before monday. So all we have

to do is to go somewhere.

Somebody's eyes fell on a empty bus due to leave for Chandigarh.

Chale...??

Y not???

Whats there in Chandigarh?? don't know!

Where to stay in Chandigarh?? don't know!

What to do in Chandigarh?? don't know!

Where to go from chandigarh?? don't know!

All we know is that no one of us had seen Chandigarh before and we were going to do it now!

Thus started our Road trip.

We reached Chandigarh by the next morning.The land of Lassi and Dhabas.After spending a good half hour in the bus stand lazily sipping chais, we

came out,found a hotel nearby and got ready for our exploration.

The whole city looked like a big park.Clean roads,Peaceful ambience,Lot of greenery and not to mention,Hot panjabi chicks! We patted our backs

for our decision.Our first destination: Rock garden.

It is a great marketing lesson. It proves that any bloody thing can be marketing if positioned and promoted properly.Else, why would we spend one whole

day looking at broken electric plug points,toilet apparels,bangles and other stuff??

As the evening approached and our city tour came to an end, the question rised again? What now??

Amritsar?

Dehradun?

Then somebody said the word "Shimlaa??"

What?To a city boasting temparatures of 5 degrees when 3 out of 6 doesn't have even a Jacket?? Sure!!! Sounds like fun!!

Thus started our shimla journey....

"Manjil se behter lagne lage hai, Yeah raastein..." The song of Jab we Met kept ringing in my ears, as the bus travelled throught the ghat roads.

Yes.sometimes, the journey is even better than the destination!

And it got better and better with time, as i was literally above clouds!

We landed in Shimla by night and then the real fun started.Shivering with cold,we started seaching for rooms. Surprise! Apparantly, the whole india decided to

spend their weekend in shimla,leaving us out in the cold with hungry stomaches and numb bodies.

So the first time in my life, I spent a night sleeping in a Bus stand, that too in friggin' cold!

Early in the morning,we caught a bus back to Delhi, and by the time we reached our hostel, every muscle in the body is aching with pain. We spent 30 of

the last 42 hours travelling! The bed never looked so inviting!

To conclude in barney style, The trip was Legendary!

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

2009-08-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

You know what? Expectations hurt!

When i say I am Doing MBA in Delhi, My friends think i am a 'Kewl' guy. They greet me with the question " How many girl friends till now??" everytime i talk to them. They seem to have this impression that girls in B-school are waiting in queues to become GFs of nerdy boys!If you are one of them, I've news for you,fella!

Girls.... Not easy!!!

But Surely i can't tell them the answer that i am a dork and never talked to a single girl (or a single girl never talked to me) in the college. So i am planning to play along by fabricating stories of Wild romances and one night stands. I am pretty creative in that aspect. I will store random numbers in my phone and swell up my contact list.

But as the cliche goes, Hope springs eternal. When i heard about the freshers' party that was going to be held,I spent one whole evening fantasizing about coochi - cooying with hot babes of the college(I guess that explains my Midterm marks!). I am tired of my nerdiness and decided to hit on every girl in the college in freshers' party. I know its pathetic, but I will borrow chandler bing's line from one episode of f.r.i.e.d.s and say "I am needy and awkward and desperate for love!". And desperate guys call for desperate measures!

So i spent many days strategizing my advances. I carefully picked up one liners from the vast ocean of internet, I made up some amazing anecdotes that never happened in my life. And in case any other despo tried to steal my girl, i am ready with some witty retarts which will make him look like a freaking retard! I am ready to arrive on the scene, baby!

The D-day has come. With a million hopes and thousand fantasies playing in my mind, i entered the venue and kind of crushed to the core looking at the arrangements. It invoked the worst fears hidden in me, but i controlled myself and approached one of the organizers.

"Umm.... What's happening here?"

He stared at me like i was an idiot and replied,"Party"

"Yeah. I know that. I mean,whats with the DJ and all the swingling lights.Its not like we are going to dance or anything!" i spoke the last phrase slowly,"Are we??"

"Of course! We are... Thats the whole party of having a party. We dance until our legs ache and our heads spin!"

There you go!

But my legs are spinning and my head is aching now!

This can't be happening. No, the universe can't hate me this much. Party means food and talk. Not dancing! Atleast, not in my graduation days!

And so the "Party" started. I dejectedly went to a corner and sat like a rock for hours. In front of my eyes, life-of-the-party guys are having the time of their lives, demonstrating their skills and wooing girls. Everybody is in a world of their own. I wondered if anybody will notice if i died there and composted into a fossil.

After gulping down a few drinks, I felt a sudden surge of confidence that has nothing to do with my drinking ( how could it be? I drank orange juice!). If it takes dancing to woo a girl, i am gonna dance! the fact that the last time i danced was a disaster of cosmic scale didn't deter me.

I unleashed the animal inside me and let those instincts guide me. My strategy is to sneak up upon an unsuspecting (dancing) prey and become her partner,before she knew what was happening. So i picked up my target and applied my strategy. Sadly, the prey didn't find it amusing. She used a different choice of words, but she advised me to Go and gratify myself sexually.

Well,to be perfectly honest, more than one girl might have said that. But i am not sure about the figure. So i changed the strategy. I picked up a group of girls and guys dancing together and approached them surreptiously. Using my pathetic dancing skills, I managed to trip all the guys within the five metre radius. In management jargon, I leveraged my weakness and turned into my strength. Stephen covey would have felt proud of me.

Disgusted by my "dancing", one by one started slipping out of the group to join a new one.

My plan is working perfectly,but here i lost my direction. Believe it or not, I started enjoying my little tryst with dancing. Don't get me wrong, I still sucked big time. But it didn't matter anymore. Its as if i am the only person in the world!

Soon, i stopped caring about babes and was dancing by myself. People stopped, gaped, laughed, stared, pointed fingers, whatever! I didn't care. And i Danced until my feet was huring and head was spinning.

After the night, lying in my bed and exhausted i thought that the mission was not accomplished but something good and memorable came out of it!

SEVERUS JUDAS??

2009-07-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

Do you know who Judas is?? If you don't, read here...

In case you are a lazy idiot like me, Here is th gist:

Judas was one of the 12 apostles of Jesus Christ. He is famously known for his betrayal of Jesus into the hands of Roman authorities.

Gospel of Mark says that the authorities were looking for a sly way to capture Jesus.And Judas agreed to help them for 30 pieces of silver( A man of small pleasures, i must say!). He identified Jesus in the prescence of the roman soldiers by kissing him on the neck. And "The kiss of Judas" became an idiom in english which symbolizes betrayal.

But a recently found gospel, called as gospel of Judas has something different to say. It claims that whatever happened on that fateful night is a planned arrangement between Jesus and Judas. It says that Jesus decided that it was time for him to go, and asked Judas for help. And Judas agreed to it unwillingly.

According to gospel of Mark, Jesus on seeing Judas approaching with roman soldiers, responded by saying, "Friend, Do what you have to do..."

In case, you are feeling vaguely familiar with above scene and wondering why, Don't worry. I will say one word and see if you can put the pieces together : "SEVERUS SNAPE"

All the Harry Potter Fans, Doesn't the character of Severus Snape seem to be modelled after Judas?? Just look at the similarities. Put Dumbledore in the place of Jesus, and snape in the place of Judas, and you have the climax of half blood prince! And compare the lines Jesus had spoken with Dumbledore's last words... (Severus.... Please....).

I wonder if JK Rowling lifted this particular part from the
Judas-Jesus saga...

P.S: In case you are a unsuspecting harry potter fan who stumbled upon this blog before reading the final book, all i can say to you is.......

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

By the way, Did i mention that i am Evil..???

IMT DIARY

2009-07-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

Its been exactly one month since i entered this college. Can't believe how fast life goes here...You grumpily wake up on monday morning wishing it was sunday... and viola! Its saturday nite!! So many things happening at the same time, U wish u have more than two hands or more than one brain or more than 24 hours or all of them. Here are some snippets from my IMT diary..

Orientation:

The sole pupose of first week of orientation is to torture the juniors and scare the S**t out of them. The day starts at 5'0 clock in the morning and ends at,um... 5'0 clock in the morning. Believe it or not, Juniors are not allowed to sleep for the first week. If we managed to get a nap for 2 hours, we used to consider ourselves lucky!! Add to this sleep deprivedness, ragging sessions from midnight to 5'o clock. Yes. Like organized crime, we have organized ragging here. At a particular time, at a particular place. A strict instructions of what to do and what not to do!!

Cultural nite:

A celebration of ending of orientation week. This is usually where the life-of-the-party guys exhibit their talents while pathetic dorks stand in an obscure corner and silently watch. Of course, some of those pathetic dorks blog about the event one month later.... That's a different issue.

Classes,clubs and commitees:

After orientation week, the class schedule feels like a holiday. What only 6 hours of academic sessions... cool.

But interviews for various clubs and commitees will wear one out. One will get used to the idea of waking in nights and sleeping in classes.

Before you know, its quiz time. People start studyin like crazy. The library is full of people at 1'o clock on a sunday nite. I wanted to shout,"Its saturday night for christ's sake! Get a life!!"

Library:

A bit about library here. This is the place where i feel home. Being the dork i am, I spend most of my time here, usually taking a book with me and sinking into one of those comfortable sofas.

Goonda Nite:

The screening of mithun charkaborty starrer "Goonda". Without doubt, my best nite in IMT.

To state that Goonda is a milestone in history of Indian cinema is an understatement.I have wasted 10 years of my life by not watching it. ( it got released in 1998). With dialogues being sheer poety, not to mention the award winning action by the people who delivered them, Its an life time experience. When was the last time some one died on the screen and you were rolling down with laughter?? Sample this dialogue...

"Behnaa!! Tu margayi?? Lambu ne tujhe lamba kardiyaaa???"

And i can't resist adding some more gems of dialogues from the film...

"Mera naam hai Bulla! Hamesha rakhtaa hoon khullaa!!"

"Maa meri chudail ki beti. Baap mera shaitan ka chela. Khaayegaa kelaa??"

To Sum up, If you know hindi and didn't watch this movie, You will rot in hell!!!

Salsa Class:

We have to come up with a venture as part of a cometition and we arranged a salsa class for the college. (Got the irony of it??).Yester day was heavy work for me, running around the campus all day...By the end of the prograam, every muscle in my body was aching.

So, Thats the story of one month. Still 20 odd to go. For now, i am very tired. Yesterday's hang over! So allow me to shut my lappy down to catch some sleep. Nite nite!!

P.S:

One of my class mates asked me, "hey! Why were you not dancing??"

My first instinct was to tell her the truth. That no female species in the college agreed to stand anywhere nearer than 3 feet to me. But i wisely decided that it won't be good PR for me. So i put up my best -frustrated face and said that since i am organizing the whole event, i was not allowed to participate. I gave the impression that i would have burnt the dance floor given a chance. I don't know if she actually bought it or not. i just hope she didn't saw my adventure with paper dance....

FUNERAL BLUES

2009-07-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am not a big fan of poetry. I am a simple man with a vanilla mind. The complex thoughts and eeriely constructed stanzas of the poems blow the fuses of my brain and make me dizzy. So i generally stay away from them.

But there is one poem i absolutely love. I stumbled upon it by sheer luck. It was recited in a scene of huge grant's classic romcom "Four Weddings and A Funeral" ( This film is a must watch by the way. Download it illegally as soon as possible!!) . The Poem is "Funeral Blues" written by W.H. Auden.

I don't know why this poem struck chord with me. When i heard it, i lost track of the movie for some time and kept thinking about it.

Here is how it goes.....

Stop all the clocks, Cut off the Telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pions and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let airoplanes cirlce moaning overhead,

scribbling on the sky the message he is dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my north, my south, my east and my West,

My working Day and my Sunday rest.

My noon, my midnight, my talk,my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; Put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

My Revolutionary Business Idea

2009-07-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

Check out this story in TOI..... Men prefer videogames to sex!!

I always thought that videogames are a strong contender,if nothing less. But apparantly, men all over the world (atleast one third of them) thought, "to hell with the women. Its not worth it!!". What pushed them over the edge?

Who cares? Did you think of the implications of all this? One third of Mankind out of race... it increases my odds of having sex by 33%! theoratically,anyway!!

(for practical purposes, the odds are one in a gazillion, as you can guess!)

But the MBA in me is excited for a different reason. This research is a perfect opportunity for video game makers. Video games and sex, The close contenders for the attention of male species. Now all they have to do is to make a video game about having sex! Bang!!!! It will be a phenomena...

The details of the game i leave to your wicked imagination. But i have already planned a marketing strategy. This game will be sold with other bloody-crazy-mass killing-macho videogames as a combo. So after a heavy blood thirsty session of Counter strike, you can have a refreshing wham-bam session with video game version of a celebrity and resume your killing spree. I haven't zeroed in on the celebrity figure yet, but i have a lot of options in that area...

Needless to say the game will be released in both straight version and gay version.

Depending upon the popularity this game gains, (and it will gain popularity) we can enter into joint venture with this macho action games and integrate both concepts. The means, stage one, you kill 200 bad men, and in stage two, you get to seduce their leader's girlfriend.....

Now, I will get busy preparing a business case of this idea and start looking for venture capitalists. But not before i give you a glimpse of my future enterprise's vision statement!

"My company's vision is to make this bedroom conversation a common affair:

"Darling, We are getting late for the movie!!"

" two minutes honey! right now i am busy shagging Megon fox...!!" "

Today i reached new heights of pervertedness, didn't i???

Calvin said it...

2009-07-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

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Calvin: You can't turn on creativity like a faucet!! You have to feel a specific emotion to start working..

Hobbes: What emotion exactly are we talking about??

Calvin: Last minute panic!!

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Less than 12 hours left to submit a 5000 word assignment ( which is no less than a thesis,btw) and Here i am, blissfully passing my time blogging about it! a living proof of the above statement.

If you ask me, cartoonists are the best philosophers in the world!!!

HONKY PONKY PONKS!

2009-07-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was watching Maniratnam's 'Dil se' when i came across this interesting piece of conversation between Preity and Sharukh.

Preity: So, Are you a virgin??
Sharukh: (chokes on the burger he was eating) um...
Preity: You needn't tell me. I just wanted to see the expression on your face.
Sharukh: What will you say if i ask you the same question ?
Preity: YOu know, 80% of the girls,before marriage, honky ponky ponks! You understand,right?
Sharukh: (thoughtful) So, you are not among them??

Here is when the scene gets interesting!

Preity: (making a guilty face) haa! What do i do?? I didn't have courage to... honky ponky ponks!
Sharukh: (laughing) So, no honky ponky ponks!!

I liked this scene for many reasons.The refreshing way an arranged marriage is portrayed,The way they openly discuss pre marital sex(though they use stupid euphemism!), and the balance Maniratnam achieved!

Now,Many of the audience wouldn't digest the fact that herione wasn't a virgin.It's outrageous!!By making her confess she was infact a virgin, Maniratnam actually satisfies the ego of conservative section of audiences.

But observe the expression of preity when she was saying she was a virgin. She was almost apolegetic about it. And she clearly states that it was lack of courage (the implied message being that moral bullshit has nothing to do with it). Thus, he appeals to the liberal section of the audience at the same time!

Everybody sees what they want to see. Everybody is happy! A master stroke,indeed!

I WANNA BE A CYBORG

2009-06-29T03:08:00.001-07:00

Thats what i am thinking now a days. Because i've a terrible disability. I can't..... remember faces!

There is something wrong with my short term memory.It erases the data about the faces of people i recently met! It will take atleast five to six interactions for me to recognise some one! Until now this was not a issue because i was in chennai where i more or less know everybody around me.But this became a huge problem since i came to Ghaziabad.

I've met so many people in the past six days. I think i can recognize 4 or 5 of them (which is a great achievement for me by the way!). But more often than not, i encounter the following situation.

some guy: Hi, Dude, how are u?

Me: (blank stare) Um,.... i am fine.

Guy: So,how was ur class??

Me: (racking my brains to remember this person) Yeah, everything is fine.

Guy: Yesterday was fun, wasn't it??

Me: (to my self) .Here is some clue. I met him yesterday and did something fun. That narrows it down a little but still i can't tell who he is.

( to that guy): yeah. It was.

(Looking at watch) OOps, gotta go. see u around.Bye!!!

Pathetic, Isn't it??

But fortunately, there is a solution to this ordeal.

I plan to get myself a face recognisition software.

I got to fix this inside my brain some where.

Now this would maintain the database of everyface my eyes see. And matches a new face with the database and send the relevent information to my brain.

There is some risk involved,ofcourse!

There is a slight chance that This machine will act by itself and take control over my mind like in sci fi movies, but i am okay with that. Frankly, I am not doing great on my own anyway!

Dance Pe Chance Maar Liya....

2009-06-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so i was minding my own business, toiling in induction classes of my MBA programme all day, listening to presentations and guest lectures till midnight, then circling the ground running and yelling," Mein emraan hashmi hoon, mujhe mallika chaahiye!", Thanks to the ragging (or "Personality Developing Programme" as our seniors call it. Some managers they are!).Just when i thought life was okay, Universe showed its figurative finger to me....

Last night, our seniors got bored with our singing and dancing and other sttuff, and decided that it was high time something new was done. So ordered all the boys to throw our shoes at a place, and ordered girls to select one. Apprantly the couple got to do paper dance.

Just as you know, my dancing skills are only matched by my skill of talking to girls. So its kind of a double trouble. But i didn't panic. our college has the worst sex ratio in the whole world. 400:20. What is the probability of a girl selecting my shoe out of 400??? I am safe. or so i thought!

But i 've forgotten taking into account the fact that the universe Hates me! So, in no time, i was standing infront of a girl with paper under our legs and music ringing all around us. Now my only hope was if this girl also was a pathetic dancer. so i've decided to ask her. But before the words escaped my mouth ,she said " cool! I've never lost a dance competion so far. Lets rock the floor. What say??

My feet were sending signals of "May day! May day!" to my brain. But my brain was too busy devicing a plan to escape out of this torture.

"So, um, listen" I said in my best samaritan voice," If you are not comfortable with this, we can drop out!"

"No,No! I've no reservations. I am totally cool with this" with her response my last hope was shattered.

so, Dance it is.....

The humiliation,also known as dance to some people, started. I've wasted no time in letting the world know my dancing skills. Soon there were a hoard of seniors around me enjoying themselves.They might as well get some pop corn and settle in! I started swinging my body here and there in the hope of passing it off as dance but in vain. the girl is visibily frustrated and barking instructions left and right.

"Don't step off the paper!!!!!"

"Duuuuuude! What are you doing?"

" swing ur arms, Like this! Its not rocket science,u know!"

A senior came to me and said,"You are a Loser,man! did u know that?"

"All along,sir" i replied with a smile. never before i was so sure of that fact as i am now

Amidist all this chaos, first round completed. And the dancing got a lot dirtier. don't get any ideas, because i was refering to quality of my dance there! We were inches apart, and i was sweating like hell. i have no place to move and her barkings became a lot louder. She seemed very determined to win this competion. Poor thing!

Things got a lot worse in next round. She had to stand on my feet and i had to hold her. You might think it was romantic,but I was crying rivers inside with pain as my toes were slowly dying.

My moves (if u call them that) got more awkward,and i was praying for this torture to complete.

In desperation, i contemplated selling my soul to the devil,but was not sure if he would be interested in a non-christian one! But before i can take any drastic decision, It all ended as we lost balance and stepped out of the paper.

I let out a big sigh. the girl threw a disgusting look at me and went away as quickly as she can. I think i heard her muttering under her breath something like "..ckin.. dork!"

I never felt so relieved in my whole life. And i am done with dancing. Now my only worry is that every time i see this girl in the future, i have to jump into a nearby bush and hide myself...

Coffee House Wisdom

2009-06-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

Another nugget of wisdom from sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S ...

ROSS: u Can't date that guy! He is my girlfriend's father....

Rachel: so...??
Ross: Thats So weird....

Rachel: Ross! U dated my sister after we broke up!!

Ross: But this is completely different!!!
Rachel (exasperated): How is this different??

Ross: This is Weird for ME!!!!!!!

How true! One little word "ME"; and it makes all the difference in the world, isn't it??

Jobless in Kakinada

2009-06-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yaaawn....

You would think that 20 days of rest at home before i start my MBA would make me feel happy. Well,i thought so too...But donno why, Feeling bored already!

Reading lot of Harry Potter. Averaging about 300 pages a day.

Spending my evenings on the terrace looking for cute girls dancing with pigeons on their heads. I guess girls of kakinada aren't big fans of Sonam. Tough luck so far, but i am not giving up.

And i had to face the ultimate horror. SHOPPING! If u know me, i need not tell you that it was sheer torture...

Going through all the episodes of f.r.i.e.n.d.s once again when i caught this deja vu moment.

some guy (to Joey): Can u teach me how to talk to women??
Joey ( pointing to a hot girl): You mean, that woman??
That guy: That one, every one, any one.....
Chandler (sighing): aaah... Been there,friend!
ME: me too,chandler!

Thats why i absolutely adore chandler. He is almost like my alter ego....

CHENNAI REDEMPTION

2009-05-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I vividly remember my first day in chennai. I landed up here for my first job with hopes in my heart and dreams in my eyes. (could I BE more corny???). I sort of imagined myself as some kinda code-king, who is gonna rock the software kingdom. After three months of bench, I was down to earth.But Then suddenly my life turned upside down. My project was a disaster. I sucked on so many levels. I was half confident that I became mentally retarded.

If my professional life was in dumps,my personal life was in Mariana Trench! I lost my people skills. I isolated myself from all my friends.I stopped talking to people. I became an SCP. Chennai was indeed a rude shock for me. During those days, I fantasised about getting out of this city and getting a life....

Now that dream came true.Here i am, Its half past twelve,My last day in chennai has just began. When I pictured this moment many times in my mind, everytime i saw myself jumping out with joy that i am finally outta this hell-hole. But in reality, I am more sombre. Not that i am glad, but i am equally sad. Am i a victim to some mutated version of stockholm syndrome??

Although I hated Chennai vehemently, there are some things i am gonna miss about this city(in no particualar order of importance):

My Beach- The biggest consolation for me during my stay.

My Gang- I remember ranting in some previous post that i didn't had a gang. Well, i kinda have! After the debacle called my engineering life, I gotta really friendly colleagues whom i really gonna miss. They almost made me reconsider my decision!!!

My Room mate - I know how tough it is to bear me. And i know i couldn't have achieved my CAT percentile without his support, and his material ;-)

My Friend- If its not only for Charan, My life would have become a classic dilbert. He was my only friend out of my work. And I am glad he is my friend. Can't thank him enough!!!

Landmark - This was a temple for me.I can't calculate how many hours i spent in this bookshop reading away books for free!!

FM - Yes sir, FM radio.I love tamil songs!

So why am i sombre? Its a mixture of all the above reasons and ofcourse,the fear of unknown. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and i don't know how my tomorrow is going to be.But i've started hoping again. I've started living again. Two years in chennai life made me a stronger person. I guess i've to thank Chennai for that.

Some more Free Range

2009-05-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Here are some more classics from my new favourite - Free Range.

I've given some hints to make it simpler.

A date with frankenstein:

The age old "Dog ate my homework" excuse... Reloaded!

A dig on the idiom - Running with scissors

Come on! This one is a sitter!

This is your ultimate test! You've to do some research and use some imagination to understand actually what is happening in the cartoon.... Try decoding!

A Laughing Matter

2009-05-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

The thing with comic strips is, they make you smile. Well, some of them make u scratch ur head too. but the point i am trying to convey is that the most usual response u get after reading a comic strip is NOT a laugh, just an amused smile.

But, now and then you see some comics and u burst out into a laughter. May be not a hysterical laughter; but it certainly is bigger than a smile. I encountered one few days ago...

After reading 10950 Garfield comic strips,7300 dilbert strips,2555 Calvin and hobbes strips and 18250 Peanuts strips, i think i know a thing or two about comics. The best of the cartoons are produced when the cartoonists take an everyday situation or sight, tweak them bigtime in their head and create the strip. The above strip precisely falls into this caterogy.

In case you liked the strip and wondering where you can read more,Its a daily comic strip called "Free Range" created by Bill Whitehead. You can check his other strips here....

But let me warn you. Apparantly he doesn't believe in spoon feeding! Most of his cartoons are full of contemporary cultural references: Like this....

If you dont know about what he is making fun of, chances are that u end up scratching your head!

Try this one

As Scott Adams once said, when a cartoon puzzles u for a moment and then unravels itself before u in all its glory, its a a bull's eye! You enjoy it more because you feel like you solved a riddle. Its that brief moment of puzzlement that does wonders. But if that brief moment stretches into a long one, The cartoon is a goner! High risk, high returns!

And whitehead seems to be following this policy,risks not withstanding. Do check if his other ones if u feel confident that u can break the code! Bcoz , these cartoons are not for dummies!

Confessions of a Male brain!

2009-05-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today, a (lady)colleague asked me out of blue:"What are you thinking right now?"

I was cornered. I panicked. I didn't know what to say... So i did what i do best: I cracked a stupid joke and diverted her attention. Phew!!

If u are a guy, U will understand my concern.If you are a girl, you are probably wondering what the heck this panicking is all about.

Let me give an useful advice to all the girls out there:

Never ever ask a guy what he was thinking. Believe me,U dont want to know!

Well,if u insist,Let us just say that nine out of ten times,We will be thinking about things which we wouldn't be willing to share with our mothers (or female colleagues).

E.g: I wonder if that hot girl i saw this morning has a boy friend...

Gotta catch the first show of darling Namita's next film!

IMP NOTE: I've deliberatley given the examples which are somewhat 'U' rated and mentionable.Please be warned that 80% of the thoughts are, well.... unmentionable.

I might pass off as a pervert for coming out of closet and saying this,but believe me,Every guy thinks the same! So u better make peace with that fact!!

P.S: If u honestly believe that ur boyfriend/lover/husband/brother doesn't think that way, my hearty condolences to you.

OFF TOPIC:

Owing to some ideological differences with my dhobi, I washed my clothes all by myself after nearly 10 months and ready to dry them. And Whola!,It is raining cats and dogs in Chennai,In Mid May!

I guess Universe has its own unique way of saying-"BUWAHAHAHAA! DIE LOSER,DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!"

@ MOVIES....

2009-05-13T06:20:00.001-07:00

An amazing thing happened to me at movies yesterday.

Just when i was ready to immerse myself in the movie, i felt a familiar scent beside me. It was scent of a woman. Excuse me, a HOT woman , sitting beside me. Gosh! Why do i keep running into them wherever i go?? I go on a train, they are beside me, i get into a bus,they come and sit beside me,I sit in the beach,they come and trip into my lap.Can't a Hot single Macho guy live in peace in this city????

But this time,i wasn't feeling that bitter. After all, the hotness quotient of this chick beside me

is VERY HIGH! Also the fact that her outfit can give Mallika Sherawat a run for her money helped!

As you all know, I am a decent guy.I am not the type of guy who will be caught with his hand in contraversial places;especially if those places belongs to hot girls. So i was minding my own business, and much to my chagrin,i felt the hot girl rubbing her knee against Mine.

The fact that she is flirting with me didn't annoy me. I mean, who can blame them, poor things! But why play around? If she finds me irresistably attractive, she could have directly said so, right??

Hmm,I wanted to tease her a little and feigned like i didn't observe. She was visibly upset.After

sometime, she made her next move.

"The film is boring,isn't it??" She whispered.

Now we are talking! (pun,intended.or may be not! whatever)

I turned towards her,said in my natural husky voice"In some parts,yeah".

"there isn't much romance in the film" she said,her eyes are inviting....

"Just as well, i get enough romance from my real life" i replied.

"I can tell that from your looks" She is deep into the game.

"You aren't doing too bad either" i smiled one of my enchanting smiles. I can almost see her melting.

"You would say a lot more than that if you see me properly" We were practically whispering in each other's ears. We didn't want to disturb the other 5 or 6 people in the hall.

"I would be willing to take that challenge"

"Lets get out of here" she was suddenly anxious, by anticipation i guess.

"Sure, honey.Let me get my bike, does fisherman's cove work for you??" I was at my charming best.

"Name doesnt matter. Just a place,thats all" boy,she IS in a hurry!

We left the hall, I started my byk and ......................

HA! WHO AM I KIDDING???

Yes, i went to the movies. Here is the actual scene:

To the left of me was an octogenarian who kept coughing throughout the movie and rendered half of the dialouges inaudible.

To the right of me were two tamil guys, who didn't understand the telugu movie anyway, So kept chatting with eachother.It goes without saying that they didn't exactly spoke in low decibel levels.

In the front row was a family with a four year old kid, who kept asking his parents every five minutes,

"what's happening"

"what's the boy saying?"

"what's the boy doing to the girl?"

In the back row,there were some idiots who kept whistling even at the sight of a saree, skirt and everything faminine. I am half expecting that they were touching themselves in the romantic scenes.

As Calvin once lamented,"REALITY CONTINUES TO RUIN MY LIFE!"

It's a crazy world!

2009-05-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

The thing with internet is you never know what you would stumble upon when you are casually surfing. You might google for "Penelope cruz+nude+images" ,going from link to link might end up reading an interesting article on Parallel universes. And sometimes it can happen the other way too.... Like today!

I have seen wildest and weirdest websites,but this one is a killer. I couldn't believe my eyes!

Words are failing me when i try to describe what this website is about. See for yourself

And don't forget to tell me what your first reaction is....

Random Ramblings

2009-05-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

I love this feeling. Doing something and realising that this may be last time i would be doing it!

Today i realised that this is My last full moon day In chennai. So what did i do? Ofcourse, i hit the beach!

Beach is more fun if U are there at night 12'o clock.

If u have a bike

Even if u've room mate who has a bike!

A 5 KM Ride along the Beach on byke, in full moon light.courtesy - Afroz. Thanks yaar, and i wish u bought this byke a year ago!!!

People playing cricket in floodlights.What a sight! Whenever i see these things, i wish i had a Gang like that. All my life, i was kinda a loner....

Sitting in the sand, watching them play, i had a brief connection with chennai. May be it was not that much a bad place to live at all, all my misery during my stay in chennai,may be it is in my head!

I am spending most of my time in office. Can u believe it?

Well, i enjoyed the company of few people over there, and i want to spend as much time with them as possible before i leave.

Another two weeks, and i would be bidding goodbye to chennai, forever i hope!

Boyfriend Vs Lover

2009-05-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

The other day, i was chitchating with a friend over phone(other day = eons ago) and the topic turned to love.

"Say, how is ur boyfriend?" I asked casually...

She was silent for few seconds.Then she said,"Don't say 'boyfriend',He is my lover!"

I was bewildered.

"They mean same thing,don't they??"

"No...boyfriend sounds ....wrong!"

I didn't understand and persisted that she elaborate. And she did.

" Well... if i say he is my boyfriend, It sounds somewhat frivolous- like it is just a fling! but if i say he is my lover,it feels pure,honest!"

This logic may sound strange first,but the more i thought about it,the more it made sense to me.

Personally for me, saying that X is my girlfriend sounds much cooler than saying that X is my lover.

And the least attractive than both is saying that X is my wife.... If u are a guy, imagine it in ur head, u will understand. if you are a girl, how about giving me your phone number, I am single!

To sum up,this is what we have learned: arranged in decreasing order of kewlness-

Girlfriend

Lover

Wife - (NOT KEWL AT ALL!!!)

Can u spot the pattern? It is also increasing order of ,Um.... Seriousness in the relationship.

Thats why girls prefer to call their boyfriends as lovers and boys prefer to call their lovers as girlfriends. coz the former push for commitment and the later always are terrified about it!

For girls, the diagram looks this way.

boy friend (Prey)

Lover

Husband (Hmm.... commitment!)

Am i genius or what!!!

Advise for guys: The next time your GF refers you as "lover" instead of "bf",thats the warning sign. Run like ur ass is on fire, or else u are committed! You are inches away from becoming "Hubby"!!

P.s:(completely unrelated to the topic)

The distance between the spot where our office bus stops and the Air conditioned comfort of our office is a meagre ten feet. Apparantly, some girls are too delicate to walk in the sun that much distance without protection of Umbrella,as i witnessed today!

People ask me why i keep ridiculing women in my posts, and i don't have any answers.....

HAIL THE HRs - 2

2009-04-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Okay. I didn't intend to write a sequel to the previous post,but thanks to my clueless HR,I couldn't resist... Here is another bizarre moral boosting event planned by the HRs today...

We are all asked to assemble at the meeting point for "b'day bash" celebrations.After fifteen minutes of fun filled activities (decode: silly games you would be ashamed to describe to your blog readers), Our HR gladly announced that she will be giving presents to the b'day boys and gals. Here are the exact words, and i swear i am not making this up!!

"Okay,now! Whoever all had their b'days celebrated in feb,march or april,please come to me and collect their gifts!"

The scene looked remarkably similar to the one i used to witness at the ration shop back in my

childhood. Apparantly,this is supposed to make us feel "special"

In case u are wondering, all the gifts are same: a 5 inch long doll which will fit in ur fist.I have to agree,it beats the coffee mug with company logo on it!

Then came the next announcement.

"Now we will cut the cake.It will be available in the pantry. Please come there and take it!".

My imagination failed to fathom what was written on the cake. may be something like " happy b'day to my clueless resources"!!!

My MBA course stars in few months, but i feel i am already learning a lot here. How not to be a stupid HR!!!

A Male Chauvinistic Pig Ponders....

2009-04-21T05:53:00.000-07:00

Ever since i've decided to get out of this shit hole (popularly known as "job") and go after MBA,i am spending my time in office a bit relaxedly. I may not be the Most deligent worker before,but now, i can feel that my work standards have reduced drastically.

Here is a list of things i've been doing in office...

1. Reading Garfield strips.

2. Taking "Breaks" in between reading those and having Tea in canteen.

3. Bitching about our boss with other colleagues.

4. Doodling absurd shapes on notebook and calling it "Art"

5. Making awkward talk with female colleagues and fancying myself as a flirt.

6. Thinking about lot of useless stuff.

Unless u are autistic,the first five are pretty much self explanatory.It is the sixth one that needs some elobaration. and i will do the same...

I've this weird habit of thinking about stuff that nobody usually bothers about. U can refer to my previous posts for some examples.From past few days, i am observing something interesting happening at my office; there is a non zero chance that it is my hallucination,but you are here reading this crap means u are pretty much wasting ur time anyway,so u've nothing to lose,so Read on....

Everyday at 13:00 the bus for afternoon shift people comes to my stop.Out of 30 seats in the bus i usually find 33% women. That is 10.The shift ends at 22:30, and in the return bus,as if by potter's magic,there are only 1 or 2 women.Where have all the other women gone? Working overtime in the office??

I wish....

According to Our company's security policy,Female associates are advised to leave the office by

20:30,so most of them leave by that time.But what they conveniently forget is that they are also supposed to be in the office by 11:30.Yet daily, i see women coming to office by 13:00 bus, i know most of them will be leaving by 20:30,and i can't help but wonder about the implications...

Ofcourse, i am not saying that every woman bunks her office every day,She might come early 3 days a week,but everyday the ratio is same. 10 women in afternoon bus;1 or 2 in night bus,so on average daily atleast 8 women per bus are hosing our company by working for only 6 hours!

Our office has 6000 employees,assuming 33% of them are woman,they account to 2000.

And by conservative estimates,let us assume that half of them are coming by shifts-1000

And half of them are coming in afternoon shifts on any given day - 500

So effectively,our company is losing 1000 man-hours or should i say,woman-hours per day! That becomes 20000 woman-hours per month.

that means our efficiency is getting reduced by 2% just because of these women weasles in the office...

---------------------------------------

This is mostly armchair reasoning. It involves pulling numbers out of air and assuming they are true.But since i don't intend to do any real work in the office,i reckon it is best way for me to pass time.( Hold on here for a moment and marvel at my vast vocabulary. On the other hand, if u think that "reckon" is too simple a word,let me know so that i can use more complex words in my next post and be smug about it...)

Also, this post is intentionally intended to be male chauvinistic. U can argue that men are no better, they take too many breaks, are not sincere,put sick leave whenver there is cricket on Tv,blah blah blah.....but i am too arrogant to pay heed to those views!!

Its a NERD'S Life!

2009-04-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

I tell u,Its very tough living a nerd's life. U face weird problems and find ur self at crazy crossroads and you have to take a decision,the other day the samething happened to me....

The evening was pleasant.So i've decided to take a stroll along the beach.I bought capuccino on the way,and i've the 900 page "THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO GALAXY"(or MONSTER BOOK as i call it).

This book has given me a new identity.Though i am living in my current locality from 15 months,No body doesn't even know that i exist. Its as if i am invisible or something. After some field tests, i've observed that ever since i am carrying this book,i am becoming popular in the neighborhood as "That freak with that monstrous book".This is kool.Now i am looking for even bigger and monstrous book...Um,i strayed away from the topic,didn't i??

Anyway,as i am walking with my hands full,my nose started itching.(U might think this is not a big issue on cosmic scale,but u are talking to a nerd here).In no time, the itch was unbearable.I panicked!! what to do?? What to do?? I took deep breaths and calmly evaluated the options i have....

1.Throw the capuccino away... blissfully scratch the nose - rejected as i love capuccino too much

2.Do not scratch the nose.... it is kind of a temptation. Prove to urself ur self control - rejected, as i don't believe in this self - help bullshit.

3.Ask the hot girl coming ur way to hold the capuccino for u,and go wild! - rejected,what if she drank ur coffee??

4.Ask the hot girl coming ur way to hold the monster book for u,and go nuts!- (hmm,may be)

5.Ask the hot girl coming ur way to scratch ur nose while u hold ur things safely - NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!!!

6.Using my engineering skills...Bring the hand close to ur nose,carefully maneuver the finger and do the thing. it is theoritically possible.

After carefull consideration,i've decided to go for option six. Its worth a try. So i raised my hand with the coffe cup, brought it close to my nose,extended the thumb from the cup and SCRATCH!Instinct took over,i bent my hand too much and spilled coffee all over my shirt.

And my first reaction was " Damn it! i've to buy another capuccino...."

Then i realised that it would have been so much better if i used my hand with the monster book in it.

But hey... Its a nerd's life!!!

Hail the HRs...

2009-04-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

I always envied HRs.All they do to earn their living is introduce bizarre and evil policies that are a huge inconvenience to employees.But the part that irritates me more is the events they organise. Apparantly,those events are supposed to increase our morale and instill a feeling of camraderie among our selves.But the general reaction from the working community is something like,"Oh crap! Not another one!"

here are the gems of ideas originated in the semian brains of our HRs...

"Save earth! show that u care for environment!! come to office dressed up in green tomorrow!!"

Cool! I didn't know that by dressing up in green i can save earth....

"Flashy friday! Take out that flashy costume of yours that u always feared to wear.come dressed in gawdy colors tomorrow.Have fun!

Disclaimer: Flashy doesn't mean you can violate dress code of company. Please choose your dress that it has to look formal"

wow! Flashy and formal. Now thats an easy combination!!

But the one that takes the cake is the "best boss" competition held few months ago.

We were supposed to write our boss's name on a paper and drop in ballot box. I am perplexed by the logic of this voting and approached my 2nd boss.

"I don't understand one thing. I've worked under only one boss. I don't know anything about others. So how can i nominate mine as best boss coz i don't have any yardstick to compare him to others????????"

this logic seemed reasonable enough for me,but apparantly it was ridiculous for her.

"What?? YOu don't want ur boss to win?"

Now,thats a tough one.Think fast,nerdo, or else ur appraisal is doomed!!!

"Of course i want to. But i sensed some flaw in this logic. He he... anyway, is participating in the poll mandatory?"

"Hell... no! We won't force u to vote.If u think ur boss is not good enough,then don't,thats all."she said eyeing me intensely,"So... are u participating?"

"In a second" i scrambled for a paper and sold my vote.I casted another illegal vote just incase.After all, What is ur opinion before a doomed appraisal??

My boss did win the competition. Thats a huge surprise,considering that my boss has 80 people under him and all the other competitors combined have around 50.

Everybody in my project sent an email to him congratulating him on his "achievment" which he humbly accepted.

That was the moment i decided to become a HR myself.Evidently even a clueless jerk can suvive there....

MY PERFECT SUICIDE PLAN

2009-03-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

I've decided to commit suicide.Life is just not worth living. Don't try to convince me about the beauty of life and the love of your family. I've reached this decision after considerable thought and It is full and final.

Don't ask me why i want to end my life.Don't ask me what's wrong with my life? Coz evrything is wrong with my life. This is not the life i wanted to live. This is not the job i wanted to do. I don't have any big troubles like our tollywood heroes.But I hate my life. It is just.... empty! Hopelessly empty.....! I was not sure about the hopelessness of the situation untill today,but now i am.There is only one way i can end this misery,by ending my life!

Now that i've decided to kill myself,the next big question is how??I've ruled out orthodox techniques like jumping off buildings,setting fire to myself,or putting my head on the railway tracks.because,ummm.... they hurt! Apparantly dyng is more painful than living,And there is a non zero chance that my life will get back on track sometime in the future. It is not optimism,god forbid!Its the rule of the probability and the rule of the universe!I don't want my soul or spirit or whatever it is to have following conversation with god....

soul: Hello, god boy! So u exist,huh??
God: You are surely one sorry guy,aren't u??.Why did u kill urself??
soul:got bored of life,u know!didn't felt like living....
God: Um.... Are u aware that 10 of your female friends secretly love you, Your rich distant relative wrote his entire property in your name and you will be the most popular 'life-of-the-party-guy' in 5 years??
soul: Oops!
God: Never mind. Any way, i've developed a random birth allocator. and lets see whats your next birth....uh,oh! a bug!
soul:There is a bug in your code??
God: NO.... It is your next birth.a Bug!
Soul: NNNNNNNNOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

See??? I don't want my afterlife to suck more than my real life. So i thought hard and came with a perfect sucide plan.HOld your breath....

I've decided to follow the best unhealthiest life style.No healthy food,No healthy drinks,No exercise.My diet conists of junk food,noodles,pizzas,burgers and all the bad stuff.I will eat whenver i feel like it. I will skip breakfasts and lunches and live on biscuits and chips on holidays.I will sleep irregualarly,eat irregularly.With all this unholy diet, i hope i can get a heart attack by the age of 40.

Your first reaction might be along the lines of " What the *&^#?".I understand.Because only a genius mind (like mine) can comprehend the ingenuity of this plan.Since most of you folks are clueless dorks(admit it,its true!),i will take the responsibility of explaining the genius of this plan.
since i've decided to die at the age of fourty,I don't need to bother about my retirement,hence no need to bother about savings,No need to bother about career,no need to kiss-ass ur boss.

Dying at forty means no need to marry and no children.

Its all downhill from the forties anyway. so i wil live the good part of my life to the fullest,and then while others are waiting for the sweet hug of death, i will be proactive and run into its arms.
And eating your way to a heart attack is techinically not suicide. so even if god exists, i think i can come out clean, NO "killing urself is a sin"will apply to me...

the best part of the plan is,if in the future, penelope cruz comes to me and begs me to shag her(thanks to austin powers,this is my new favourite word!),I will be available.

I realize that the possibility of that happening is slim,but hey, i am not a optimal optimist!

And suddenly if my life takes a sharp U-turn,I can always behave good again,and in 10 years,medical science will be good enough to make me clean enough to live a healthy life again...So,My plan 'B' is also ready!

The only risk as i see it is that i may die at 39 instead of 40 if i overdid my crazy plan.but i am willing to take that risk.
Wish me luck......

AM I A PERVERT OR WHAT??

2009-03-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

I started having crush on a woman.

It is wrong on so many levels...

She is foreigner.

She is Married.

She is a mother of a six year old devil.

Probably,she is 8 or 9 years older than Me.

But the thing that freaks me most is....

She is a cartoon!

No,She is literally a cartoon.

Have you ever seen Bill Watson's Masterpiece "Calvin and Hobbes"?

She is calvin's mother!!!!

I can't help it. She is impossibly cute and at the same time, strangely sexy.

Now i find myself wishing i was a cartoon so that i can be with her. Although i've to get rid of calvin and his dad.

Gaaaaaaaaaaa!!! What am i thinking?? she is driving me crazy!!!!!!! Somebody help me.....

FLASHBACKS OF A FOOL

2009-03-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know if things that happened two days ago count as "Flashback". The fact is i am too lazy to think a original title for the post and being an indian,I assumed it is my birthright to copy stuff and call it "Inspiration".However it is only coincidence that this is second time i got inspired from this Daniel craig's films.(the first one is my blog title,if u are autistic enough to not to observe,by the way).

Any how, This post is my recollection of my first flying experience, and be assured that i will

cleverly insert all the copied stuff in between and pass it off as my own. Oh, and of course, I will

pathetically try to be witty,funny,and whatever things popular humorists sound like(My vocabulary leaves much to be desired).

To be honest,NO frill airlines are under rated. Based on what i've read in books and heard from others i expected to travel in somekind of Metal box with stools for seats. And i expected the air hostesses to look like my college mates ( I thought i would write my classmates, then i figured i can reduce the probability of getting my self killed by atleast 10 times by replacing the word "class" with "college"!)

But may be i jumped ahead a little bit. Let me start over. Apparantly, i've got "first time flier"

written all over my face.So a spice jet worker came to me and assisted me in everyway possible. right from,scanning of baggage to sending me through security,he took care. Then i went to the terminal and sticked my face to the glass and watched all the airplanes on the outside with my tongue hanging out from my mouth. I don't remember if i was drooling,but i can't rule out the possibility!

when the call for boarding was announced, all the passengers started rushing towards the boarding gate,as if the seats were unreserved and they have to stand if they were late! Hmm,In india somethings never change!

The airhostess is saying "Good evening" to every moron in her way,so there's nothing special in

that.However, I got the seat beside a frickin' idiot.I call him that partly because i wanted to use the word frickin' somwhere in the post,It sounds cool;but partly because i saw him at the boarding pass issue counter.He demanded the he should be getting a seat at the emergency window!After he got it, he exclaimed with air of truimph

"U never know what will happen once we are in air".

Then the airhostess stood before me and explained to the passengers how they should escape in the event of a catastrophe.Apparantly we are supposed to pull a life jocket beneath the seat,take the oxygen mask from the top,open the emergency exit from the side and do a lot of other stuff within seconds. dying sounded a lot more easier. Any way, frankly i was not paying much attention to what she was saying. It took every ounce of my will power to stop myself from ogling at her sexy legs.

They were 10 inches from my eyes,for Satan's sake!

To divert myself from her legs, i started imagining how it would be to die in this plane.Strangely the thought of dying in a plane crash didn't bother me much.I mean, its so much better than dying in a roadkill. I can almost imagine a conversation between my soul and some other souls at the gates of hell (in case u are wondering, Yes! i am going to hell,if there is one.) chit chatting about how we died.

It will go something like this.

soul 1: I drenched in rain, caught pneumonia and died

soul 2: I slipped in my bathroom, hit the sink hard and bang, i am here

Soul 3: I went to a party with a girl and ram sena activists have beatn me to death.

My soul: (casually) OH... it was nothing u know. My plane caught fire in mid air, There was a big hole formed. I was sucked out of the plane, I got hold of one of the wings,but then the wing itself came off,

then in the mid air, i was hit by another plane. the last thing i saw was that another plane also

bursting into flames!

soul 4: SO... u WERE THE MYSTERIOUS OBJECT THAT CRASHED MY PLANE!

ALL OTHER SOULS(to me): Damn U, thats a cool way to die!!

Imagination over. Back to reality. But reality is very boring.Nothing significant happened. I opened my 700 page book -The hitchhikers' guide to galaxy and read it untill the plane landed. then i got off...

Epilogue:

The next day, In the interview ( i went to delhi for an interview,by the way)

a girl asked me

" Weren't u in the spice jet plane yesterday?"

I was shocked that i was actually noticed.I half expected her to ask why i was ogling at the airhostess' legs.

But she asked," Weren't u the one who was reading that 10 pound book??"

Oh. It was the book then."Yes" i sheepishly said.

"did u barrowed it or bought it?" she asked.

I interpreted the question like this,

"If u borrowed it, U are a fool, god forbid, If u actually bought it,U were a stupid Moronic fool!"

for a moment i thought I would say that i borrowed it from the fricking guy next to me, but then i realized that she might have seen me walking down the ramp of the aiplane reading the book.So i stuck to the truth.

"I bought it" i said.

She rolled her eyes and went away.

"Score!" I said to myself and made a note to myself to write about this in my blog.

A song from Heaven...

2009-03-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

Okay... I know second post in the same day is a bit too much but i can't wait.

I wanted to share this song with all of you ( i.e,probably 5 or 6 people who read this blog!).

I didn't noticed the beauty of this song when watching the film due to Rakesh Ompraksh Mehra's

Unbelievable Imaginative picturisation. Its like He melted the essence of old delhi and sprinkled all over the time's square....

But when i was casually listening to Delhi 6 songs yesterday,this song struck me... and how!!

I listned again, and again, and again,..... Then i turned on the repeat mode in the windows media player and sat there quietly. I think i heard it around 19 times......

I didn't get sleep all the night. This song kept ringing in my ears.... Hats off, Rehman! Just when i think that i 've seen the best of you, U keep surprising me....

LISTEN HERE....

Why do we protest over all the wrong stuff??

2009-03-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

Whats all this fuss i am hearing about some guy auctioning Gandhi's stuff?? Why everybody is making a big deal out of it? Correct me if i am wrong, but as i know it, That stuff was given away by gandhi himself in his time.How can we demand this Otis guy to stop the auction? Its not our national property.

It is his property. He can do whatever he wants to do with that stuff.He can throw it in the toilet and flush it away if he feels like it,for sanity's sake! Who are we to stop him?

If we care that much about Gandhi's stuff,The only thing we can do is to enter the auction and bid it for ourself.

And to repeat the words of good old Munnabhai, Instead of fussing about a pair of sandals and broken glasses, May be we should first follow whatever things that poor old guy preached his mouth off!

On a related note,If our government is that much concerned about our nation's cultural property, it should consider getting the kohinoor diamond and peacock throne back from England. That stuff was stolen from us and rightfully ours. and that is what we can call "national property".

MY DUMB MOMENTS

2009-03-03T04:21:00.000-08:00

Did u ever said or did something terribly stupid... that u cringe in embarassment everytime you think of it?? Considering the fact that i am a SCP and have less than average commonsense, I have many such moments.

I call them my DUMB MOMENTS. On a related note,I feel very clever and savvy in prescence of some people,but if i am with certain people, I almost feel like a mentally retarded person.I feel so self concious.In those occasions, I usually try to do smart things and mess it up further. Does anybody out there feel the same way?? Coming back to my dumb moments, I had one recently in my journey to pune.I was standing in a cafe in Pune railway station waiting for my train.I ordered some coffee and looked around for a place to sit. There was an empty table at one corner but there were no chairs. So i looked around for some chairs and saw one at one table.Two girls were giggling and ha-ha-ing at that table.So i went up to them and said, "Hi! Can i take this chair??" One girl was sppechless, the other girl looked shockingly and unbelievingly at me. Now i was confused. Did i say something wrong?? Did i said without my knowledge something like,

"U are damn hot baby, want a ride??" for a full three and half seconds I tried to recall what i said while maintaining my 'i-am-a-decent-guy'smile. After the agonising 4 seconds one girl said "Nooooooo..." in the most condescending way possible. That "No........" sounded something like " BAck off!U nerdy nerd boy! we are too hot for u..." to me. So i kept my 'i-am-a-decent-guy' smile flashing and went back to my table. Exactly two hours and twenty minutes later, while i am in my train trying to sleep,It hit me! The mysterious reason behind that mistaken reaction.... Somehow those girls interpreted my question as "Can i sit with u girls and join your conversation?" My first reaction was,"Damn it! What those girls must have thought of me??" Then being the nerd i am my thoughts were " Was the sentence i framed wrong?? In that case, what will be the correct sentence to convey my meaning..." But later i realised it was not completely bad experience at all. After all, i made pass at a couple of hot girls,albeit unknowingly. But still, in my nerdy world it is a huge achievement. The fact that i was bluntly rejected at my unwitting flirting didn't deter me. Now all i have to do is add something spicy of my own this story and tell it to my unsuspecting fellow nerdish friends and bang..... I am their HERO!! This is undoubtably my best dumb moment.....

The impotence of being incompetent

2009-02-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

Apparantly,Our company decided that employees are being paid too much.So,instead of reducing the salaries, they have decided to suck the fortunes out of us in various ways.The latest one is the 60% hike in the monthly transportation charge. Here is the communication from our global HR head:

"........ We have done an analysis on the Transport Service provided by company at the current subsidised rate. Based on this analysis, we have found that the service is not being utilized effectively and this in turn is leading to high expenditure for the Company. The cost is higher as route planning and capacity is not optimised and the usage is not uniform......"

Let me rephrase that gem of the observation for you.

" We are a bunch of morons here. We doesn't know how to plan and execute the transportation plan. Since We are lazy bastards who don't give a s*it to what you think,We have decided to charge the hell out of you for our inefficiency. Because we CAN! HA!HA!HA!so long,SUCKERS!!!!"

Here are few words i want to say to this overpaid HR Head:

-First of all,Rs.1000 for a 15Km journey is not "subsidised". Its f*king stealing, u thief! thanks to ur incompetence, now its 1600!

-Its not our F*king problem if the route planning and capacity is not optimised. Isn't it ur f*king job to optimise that S*it???

-What do you mean we are not using the service effectively and the usage is not uniform?? We are not school children u mudhead!Irrespective of how many days we are coming, u are charging us for full month,right? What the hell is this blabber about uniformity??? You drunken lemure!!!

If you find the launguage used in this post a tad harsh,that can mean only one thing: GET OUT OF MY BLOG,
STINKING HR MANAGER!!

My encounter with Weaseleeez...

2009-02-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

Now,i've never thought reading business paper would make me chuckle... but today's Business Line changed my opinion.I was reading an interview with Infosys CEO gopalakrishnan (or Krishhhh as some people call him!).

Talking about current financial crisis,he estimated that it would take 2 to 3 years for thing to settle down. And then he denied the reports that Infy is laying off people. However, he agreed that there were several performance based involuntary attritions taking place.....

Hold on for a second and comprehend that statement. If you don't believe me,read it for yourself.

http://www.thehindubusinessline.com/2009/02/17/stories/2009021751780700.htm

I've never heard so many jokes in dilbert books about weaseleez,the official management launguage. But this is the first time that i am seeing it in news papers.....

Luck by Chance - My thoughts

2009-02-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

OK. I've a confession.
Bollywood movies are my guilty pleasure... I know they are trash. I know they are shameless rip offs of hollywood films. heck! even it's unofficial title is also a rip off. Yet, i see them because they are atleast better than... well... Our Regional films.Atleast they don't have an introduction song for heroes, interval "bangs",goons with 3 metre long beards,sumos flying in air... etc. And yet,every now and then i get a chance to see a hindi movie which fills me with the hope that may be we are improving.
Today after I watched "Luck by Chance",Hope sprang to life again.....

I was enthralled with the title sequence itself,Showcasing all the otherwise obscure people involved in filmmaking;the tiny screws in the giant mechanism of cinema:The extras,the projectionist in the theatre,the chai wala at the shooting, the make up assistant,low level costume supplier,the light boy...

The one thing i really loved is the subtlity involved in many of the scenes.You never see protagonists saying "I love you" to each other,but you realise it! With a simple shot of Konkana sen sleeping in her bed and Farhaan tying his shoes,Zoya conveys us that they've consumated their affair. But the scene which tops the subtility show is the one involving Farhaan and Isha sarwani.With out showing any nudity or even a kiss(They barely touch each other's fingers),Zoya created an extremely erotic and sensual scene in the film.You can actually sense the transormation in Farhaan's face when he senses the hints of isha and decides to play along.A lot of characters convey us what they wanted to tell with out actually saying it.This is one of the most intelligent film making i've ever seen.

This guy Farhaan Aktar continues to impress me.directing,script writing,acting,singing...He is sure one guy to watch out for. But what i lovemost about him is his selection of films. Both "Rock On" and this one are a notch above today's hindi cinema. And i must say, i am very glad that finally, mainstream hindi cinema is able to offer Konkana some roles. Few years ago, i used to see her in only parallel cinema like Mr and mrs ayer! Everybody in the film does their job well,but i am disappointed with JUhi.Her role has nothing to do in the movie. Even If you erase her from each frame,you won't feel any difference.I don't know why she is doing this insignificant roles....

The climax is in resonance with the freshness of the movie.There is no sugary romantic end.And the story is not so much a story as it is a slice of life of the main characters. some people may find the narration slow,but i call it "gentle".

To sum up,My brother always ridicules me for watching hindi cinema. Now, "Luck by chance" is the kind of film which i can show to him without embarrassing myself.

Sexurity concerns....

2009-01-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

Now, judging by the title, before u shy away from reading the post ( or,depending on ur taste, start licking ur lips in anticipation!),let me assure u that the word 'sex' in the title is used purely in the context "Gender".Let's just say that thats my pathetic wordplay on the word "security".

Why do i've to put 'x' in the security? Well,i've had it with the double standards our (and most) companies follow when it comes to our security. A few weeks back, Chennai was inundated with rains and life came to halt. Not surprisingly, not our project!But due to the incessant rains, in the interest of "Female" associates, our TL decided to send all the women in the project home by 3'0 clock. She might have been influenced by the fact that she was a "she" too...

This decision obviously ticked me off. Partly because I am insensitive assh*le,but partly because it didn't make any sense to me! I mean, How does a cyclone affect a girl more than a boy?? Will it think,like"woo... there is one lonely girl walking there... I will rain more harder in her way and mess with her".... come on!!! I am all up for girls reaching safely home in the nights,but i can't digest the fact that they should get the unfair advantage during this minor calamities too...

But this incident is only a prelude to what i am going to say.Now, I assume u got a hang of the security measures taken by our comapany for the protection of... ahem... "fairer sex". One of those involves sending all female associates to home by 8:30 pm. But one or two women do stay back, due to their work load.

Now yester day, one such girl got into our bus at 10:30 pm. Almost all the front seats are filled

and she sat in one of the last rows. The Driver came,saw her and requested her to come sit in the front seats. So, she switched seats with one of the colleagues.

Having nothing much to do, I contemplated the motive behind that bizarre policy of our beloved company.

And i came up with two explanations...

1. The company suspects that a couple may involve in "amorous" activities in the night time,if they were unseen in back rows.

but then i ruled out that idea because i realized that such a wicked thought will occur only in pure evil minded rogues,i.e, ME! I dont think Our HR are evil enough to think of that possibility. Or else, i gave them benefit of doubt...

2. The company fears that the male associate sitting next to her may make sexual advancments towards her, so in interest of her safety she had to be sitten in front rows!

I can't make any other reason but this hilariously funny one.Let me know if u can think of any...

Apparantly it was safe for women to sit in back rows in the day time,but at night 11'0 clock it suddenly becomes unsafe. Its as if men will be possessed by some evil spirit once the darkness falls!

This is mind numbingly dumb for several reasons.

I tried to step in the potential sexual assaulter's shoes and tried to emulate his line of thoughts. They may go like this...

" Hmm...I know that i am a respected worker in a reputed organization, and she is my colleague. And i know the fact that I am with another 50 co workers and Everbody can see what i am doing,but i think i will make a move on her,because it is night 11'0 clock. i dont care if i lost my job or got beaten to death by my co workers...and who knows,she may actually like it!"

And here is the funniest part. After protecting the females from sexual advances by her male coworkers, our company drops them on the roads near to their homes, in the middle of the night.

Don't question me abt their safety while they take their 5-10 minute walk to home...

I guess they trust an average street-dweller more than they trust an average cubicle-dweller... I gotta say, i am proud of my company!!

Anywayz, what i wanted to say is that i spent a good deal of time yesterday formulating my defence if ever i am accused of sexual advance by my co worker.

I will casually say," OOps! I was just reaching for my mobile in the pocket and it seems that i put my hand in the WRONG pocket! whats the Big deal...???"

A JOURNEY THROUGH HELL...

2008-12-29T11:46:00.000-08:00

Now,before i start,let me assure u that i am pretty liberal when it comes to judging movies. When i say liberal, i mean "Sees all kinds of crap". For most of my friends, if there aren't any buildings blowing up or women stripping down, that movie is "art". I bet that they will not sit through the first 15 minutes of a movie like... shall we say "crash"? Not me. I've incredulous amount of tolerance levels when it comes to watching dull movies. I take a certain amount of pride in that matter. But some days back, i met my nemesis! The time stood still, The air stopped circulating,life lost its meaning while i wasted away two and half hours of my precious life watching a "path-breaking" movie called... HOld ur breath...

2001: A space odyssey

Now some of u may be wondering like "Thats a wonderful movie! Whats wrong with u, freak!". To those people i respectfully say "Get the hell out of here,perverts! Before the spirit of lucifer engulfs me..."

phew... Sorry for that little outburst.Anyway,the only reason i saw that movie was it was hailed as the best space movie ever by so-called critics. The movie's length was 3 hours. Now let me explain what the movie was about...

First 30 minutes: Repeated visuals of A bunch of chimps jumping around.Then one night, they find a lean door like rocky thingy infront of them. Then suddenly one of the chimps gets wild, goes on a killing spree.

Next 15 minutes: A large donut-shaped space station rolling around in space.
No,seriously.
YOu will see nothing but a visual of that wheel rolling,with the background of earth.The background music is worth mentioning here. Its like what you would expect from a stage musical drama.

Next 15 minutes: According to me, this was the best part of the film for several reasons. You get to hear the first dialogue of the film, You see a sight glimpse of something called a "plot", YOU will be offered a glimmer of (false) hope that the film was actually going somewhere.

Next 20 minutes: Now, let me digress here and explain the vision of the director. He thought that audience will be enthralled by seeing what exactly it would be like to be in space. So
we see a waitress walking in a reverse-gravity environment for 5 minutes.
a group of scientists travelling through a space capsule for 10 minutes.

To sum up the first one and half hour of the movie:

some scientists find A lean door like rocky thingy on the moon which was similar to the lean door like rocky thingy found by chimps a billion years ago...

My experience of these 90 minutes can be best described as "painful".(It still hurts to recall those scenes!)

Next 20 minutes: 8 years later, two guys on a secret mission to mars.And oh, they are guided a super computer with a personality. The mission was so secret that even the guys also dont know what it is...
On retrospect,it is the second best part of the movie.

Now, this computer is a funny thing. I believe it's name is HAL.It controls all the ship,super competent,in its own words," It is never wrong"

The hope of a coherent plot is up again.U start looking for a connection.Let me warn u, U are in for a rude shock!

Next,30 minutes: Predictably,HAL goes crazy,much like the chimp in the first reel,takes control over the ship,kills one guy,tries to kill another.The other guy gets pissed off,kills the computer by disconnecting its memory.

It may sound exciting, but believe me,YOu wish u were watching "Ram gopal varma ki aag" instead of this. and here's why....

1. The director chose a dim red light to represent the HAL,Its more of like a survilience camera actually.Though the computer is spread all over the ship, whenver Tha HAL speaks,the screen is filled with the image of that red camera. After one point, it becomes so silly that u will not be able to decide if u want to laugh or cry!

2. The music director scores again. This 30 minutes are such a musical mess that i was half determined to dig his grave and slap him reeeeeaal hard! ( I am assuming he would be dead by now,If he is not, I am buying myself a plane ticket!)

3. The whole process of one guy dying and the other guy killing HAL is such a slow process that it almost qualifies as "slow poison"

Next 20 minutes:

Ah! the final 20 minutes... I have no words to explain what happens in the climax. Because honestly, i didn't understood a bit.

If i have to, i will say its a mixture of random shots of the protagonist's face mixed with some eye soaring images of the universe, with camera zooming ahead all kinds of colors spreading around for so long that u will start screaming," Gaaaa! SOMEBODY STOP THE MOVIE! SOMEBODY PAUSE IT...!!!"

And in the last few minutes,Our hero finds himself in a room and see that lean door like rocky thingy.then some strange stuff happens that is not even explainable. Then the music director goes for a knock out punch on ur face.... finally when the end credits role, U won't know how u feel... happy for ur future as u r still alive or sad for ur mind which was scarred for life with the movie's memories...

To sum up the next 80 minutes:

An intelligent computer screws the mission to mars to find abt that lean door like rocky thingy.
then some weird stuff happens!

I racked up my brains trying to find the connection between the two threads of the movie..
1. the computer on the killing spree
2. the weird rocky thingy

I guess its one of those great unanswerable questions of life.....

I may seem a little harsh in reviewing this film.But allow me to say once again that THIS FILM SUCKS! ITS THE WORST FILM I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE!

Apparantly, the director once said that " the film is open to interpretation. I don't want to tell what i wanted to depict and ruin it for the audience. let them draw their own conclusions"

Now, thats very fishy! My theory goes like this:

the director directed the entire movie while he was taking drugs.then a highly acclaimed critic saw the movie when he was inebriated by a dozen beers and mumbled something like " thaz muvviee iz wundurrfaalll. itch pewwr aart!.Ifyuu donch gettit, yuu arrr a moraan!".

Now eager to prove that they were not morons, all the other critics joined the band and blew the trumphets of the movie.

The director,meanwhile cured in a rehab centre,was clueless when he was asked for the directors cut.So he came up with that ingenious reply!

I know its a long shot but i dont see any other explanation here....
Ofcourse, i realize that there is a offchance that the movie is a classic and i am an idiot for not understanding it. but my massive igo and immense arrogance doesn't allow me to think so....

So... thats what i wanted to say about the path breaking movie of all time "2001: a space odyssey" or as i prefer to call "utter sh*t"

**********************************************************

Women! Did ur boyfriend/husband called u fat? or made fun about ur shopping? do u want to punish him but
without him realizing that?Here is the way... propose that u two spend some quality time by catching a cool flick. Then put this DVd. as the titles are rolling, mumble something like
"good god!How could i forget!Honey! I've to call somone. You carry on... and YOU tell me the story evvvvry bit when i come back!"
( say this last line as seducingly as possible)
Then run like hell!
Run for ur life!

Best Job Ever!

2008-12-25T12:53:00.000-08:00

I always find myself thinking about how i should be spending my post retirement years. You may think it is a bit early to plan,considering i am just 23.But i like to plan ahead.Anyway, acknowledging the fact that i am the laziest fellow on earth and stupendously incompetent at many things, i always thought i have no option but to sit in a arm chair and read newspapers. But there was always some glitter of hope in me that i can find some sort of job which will be fun,respectable and allow me to sit and relax all day. It seems like a christmas miracle,but i think i found my post - retirement job!

On christmas eve, i went to Santhome church in mylapore. It was good, but i didn't find a lot of people. I gotta say i was surprised. Anyway,its all a bit alien to me,so i was observing closely. In a corner, i saw a very old man with a this-is-my-last-day-on-earth look in him sitting in a chair looking around. he is wearing some kind of priesty clothes, so i assumed he was some sort of father( i really don't know all these terms). But i was perplexed. I mean, what exactly was he doing? i found the answer soon enough. A young lady came to him and sat on her knees beside him. She started whispering in his ear.He looked very attentive, he bore a sympathetic face,nodding gently now and then. Then it hit me.

He is the guy who listens to all the confessions! Bingo.... hello, my future job!

Now,let me confess to you why i thought this job will be ideal for me. I think it should be pretty obvious but for the slow graspers out there, it involves me sitting cozily in a chair listening to people admitting that they were idiots and jerks. I don't see how any job can be more fun than that.

Hallelooyah! ( to hell with the spelling!)

Obviously, there are lot of problems with this plan.On the top of my head, technically i have to be a christian. and may be i have to climb a job ladder until i reach that position. I have no idea if u have to be a junior priest,assistant priest that kind of thing, but i will bother about that later. i don't think that will be a big issue. If any documents are required, i will fake them. for christ's sake, we can even get fake passports and visas these days! how hard that can be? May be i will fake a document appointing me as a honorary priest and take it to a not-so-famous church and settle there. I will create the document so that it will be signed by Pope himself,so that i will be getting a lot of respect.

Getting recomendation from pope gets another problem out of my way: doing all the priest related work.

I don't know what those guys do when they are not listening to people pouring their hearts out,but i am not interested in it. i will avoid all that stuff. But i make it sound noble. May be i will say something along the lines of " These earthly matters doesn't interest me.My lord instructed me to bless his children by listening to their sins. Now, send that lady in. She seems to have a naughty secret.. i mean confession"

But do you know what my biggest challenge will be? keeping a straight face while listening to those naughty/funny/stupid/horrible tales. I may be tempted to say some thing wicked or naughty sometimes...

Hot girl: Father,bless me,for i have sinned.I've betrayed my parents' trust by sleeping with my boy friend.

Me : whoo... Thats one lucky bastard! I mean amen....

Crazy guy: Father, i killed my father and my two brothers so that i can get his 100 crores of property. will the lord forgive me?

Me : Sure, oops... It seems i forgot to turn off the recorder. Anyway, i negotiated with the lord and he is willing to forgive you if you share 10% of that property with his blessed child,me! BUWAHAHAHA!

boring old lady: Then he said, "there is no salt in the curry" .I said," You are mean to me,you don't love me any more". he said....

Me : Now,finish ur confession real fast and get the hell outta here, Grandma! or else i will choke you to death and confess it to my self!

See what i mean?? Its going to be very difficult not to do those things.

But i will manage some how!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: I KNOW THIS POST IS IN VERY BAD TASTE. IN MY DEFENCE, I DIDN'T SAY THAT

I AM A NOBLE SAMARITAN.

TAKE A CHILL PILL!

SANDEEPHISM

2008-12-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

My favourite passtime involves me fantasizing about stuff i think i would like to do but in real life too timid to actually do it. To day is your lucky day! you are going to get a chance to peek into my fantasy world for a while.

Today i saw a lady in my office wearing a burkha on the top of her dress. Call it creepy coincidence, but today i also saw a sikh guy sporting a huge beard and a guy wearing overall blacks as he is in "ayyappa diksha".

This is disturbing on many levels.

Apparantly,not shaving ur beard is bad for the company and moral of the employees,but okay if your religion doesn't allow it. Similarly,wearing formal clothes is neccessary for professional environment,

but not if ur religion forbids it. Apparantly if our clients see this bearded guys and burkha women they will understand that they are simply following their religion. so no loss for company.

This is exactly the kind of situation where my wicked mind will go gaga over various possibilities.

So i digged up some HR policy list in our company website and bingo! I found that Our company will give "Reasonable" exceptions to people regarding their dress code based on their religions.

There are two loose terms here. one is "reasonable" and another is, of course : "Religion" . I can to use them to my advantage. So i fantasized about talking my HR into giving me permsion to wear normal clothes and chappals to office. It will probably go like this:

Me: So, i understand that Our company is willing to make reasonable exceptions to accomdate my religious beliefs.

HR : Yes, we do.

Me: kool. Because my religion doesn't allow me to wear shoes. god will make me rot in hell if i hide my feet from fellow human beings.

HR: (probably confused): I never heard of that before. What religion is that??

Me: (casually): Oh, i don't have a name for it. but i am thinking along the lines of sandeephism.

do u like it??

HR: Are you saying that u founded ur own religion??

Me: yup,I don't see why i should follow other religions which are thousands of year old and obviously outdated. My religion is kooler and trendier.

HR: (shocked)

Me: Of course, for now, its a lonely religion, but i am hoping to convince my parents and my brother to join it.

HR: Um, i am afraid we don't recognize...

Me: (angrily) What? Are you insulting my religion? Are you insulting my god's ways?? I am gonna complain to the regional HR head that you are showing discrimination against my religion..

HR: (aghast): But That rule in ur religion is wierd...

Me: Hey, if sikhs can believe that they are not supposed to display their hair, why can't i believe that i am not supposed to NOT display my feet?? Thats it. I am escalating it to....

HR: okay, okay, U may wear chappals to work.

Me: Good, now according to my religion, I am only supposed to wear round neck T shirts with funny captions....

I hope you got the hang of what i was hoping to achieve here. But alas, I am too timid to actually go and talk to my HR, So i fantasize and write blog entries about it. But hey, thats cool too....

QUESTION: Assuming i convinced ur HR that followers of my religion need not wear shoes and ties and formals, will you convert to sandeephism and proclaim me as ur prophet??

THE BOY WHO LOVED SANTA CLAUS

2008-11-23T01:52:00.000-08:00

I am glad to inform u all that my flawless strategy "Hoping for the best" worked well.The best thing about this strategy is,nobody can argue what exactly is "best". so I win. Period.

anywaz,today i will tell you a story. So grab a pack of chips and read on....

somwhere in this world, there lived a boy.His name is irrelevent. He could be any one.

He is a small boy, just 6 or 7 years old. He loves his parents, he loves his dolls, and ofcourse, he loves Santa claus. Now, he got to know about santa when he was three years old. His parents told him about santa. He was excited. His parents told him that he can wish for anything and on christmas eve, santa would brint it to him. But he has to be a good boy or else santa will get angry and will not bring any gifts.

The boy is obviously enthralled with the idea. I mean come on.... A fatold man with a long beard, riding on a cart of mules,landing on rooftops, sneaking presents beside children's beds,who wouldn't love that kind of idea?

So, our boy got what he wanted for that christmas, and he couldn't thank santa enough! Next year, he asked for a fancy bycycle. But he didn't get it. He got a modest bicycle instead. The boy was very upset. Why wouldn't santa give me what i wanted? Am i not good enough?? didn't i behave well?? His parents tried to pacify him.

"son!" they said, "Santa knows what is best for you.What ever is his decision, you have to accept it. It is for your own good only"

"Remember,Honey! If he gives what u asked for, he loves you.

If he didn't ,he will give you something better eventually"

The boy was convinced with his parents' pep talk. Of course, santa knows the best! He loves me! but for some reason, he decided that i dont need that bicycle. With this logic, he answered him self.

Two or three years passed. One day our boy is playing with another boy. In between conversation, they began to talk about Santa. Then to our boys astonishment, the other boy said

"But ofcourse, Santa is not real,dude"

Our boy was shocked. I mean, what kind of talk is that! thats blasphemy ! He will rott in hell. He is not going to get any presents this christmas, The joke is on him. HA!

Then that boy said,"Of course, I too thought he was real upto some time. But then i realised, Its my parents who sneak up to my bed and and put all my presents there. Its not santa. So i don't believe in santa anymore. If i want something, i will ask my parents directly."

Our boy ran to his parents crying .He told them everything he heard from that wicked friend of his.

*********************************************************

OK. Story over. Now a lets analyse is a bit. The above story can happen anywhere. Upto this point. But In the climax, When the boy cried what if the parents never told him the truth? they advised the little boy to stay away from that blasphemous kid?? What if for some reason, if every parent behaves in that way and every kid continued to believe in santa??? What if they all grow up still believing in santa??

Instead of asking for a bike, they ask him for good grades in exams or a nice girl friend. And when their wish got fulfilled they thank him and trust him more. If its not fulfilled,they know its for their own good. After all, santa knows the best. and...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.. Is it just me or is this situation sounding reaalllly familiar??

To me, this santa guy seems familiar. YES! i know him. People call him "GOD"!

OK. No kidding. I will come straight to the point. Aren't people a bit like the boy in the story, believing in a compassionate almighty looking after them,listening to their wishes,aspirations and granting them. I agree. Its a good feeling to believe that some one is looing after us. But It takes a lot of courage to come to terms with the fact that there is no one out there. You are your own master. You have to look after youself. Thats why i admire atheists. About the people who believe in god, I am not saying i dont respect them. but, Well, they look like kids who believe in santa to me. They may feel a lot better, but they need to grow up!

P.S: To all those people who are in middle with the talk of "You can't disprove god either", you dont have to prove that something doesn't exist. Its the responsibility of people who believe that the thing exists to prove that the thing really exists. going by your stupid logic, you cant prove that there is no monster hiding under your bed either!

CAT CALLS!

2008-11-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

To all those people who are driving me crazy with their requests,demands,beggings for a new post,here is the good news. I am back! Now there will meaning for your life again, you will be able to love others, blah blah... ( u get the general idea,right?)

Ok. Where have i been?

Only a stupid will answer that question like " Just like that. ran out of ideas" or " i am too lazy to write."

An average guy's answer will be along the lines of "Been too busy with work"

I will do you a favour and let you know the ultimate answer. its " Nothing excited me enough to

write". its short. its smart. It shifts blame from u. Feel free to use it.

You are welcome!

Oh! My answer??

You guys won't leave, will ya?

Ok. I hate to brag,but i 've been preparing an flawless strategy to crack the CAT.

I call it "Hoping for the best".

i know, i know it just sounds like unwarranted optimism. but i dont have a thousand option here.

My strategy is based on the following assupmtions:

Losers toil like hell designing the strategy.

Managers do what ever they felt like doing and call it a strategy!

Sounds like i am a born manager.

And thats why i am writing CAT this year.

Socially Challenged Persons

2008-06-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I will introduce to you a special type of people. I like to call them "The Socially Handicapped People" or " The Socially Challenged People" . I don't know how many people can be counted in that category but i am hoping that i am not the only one. Coz it would freak me out !

Ok. Who are these socially challenged people(SCP)?? I will explain with an example. Imagine this situation.

A couple is taking a walk along the road. Girl sees a cockroach and screams. how would a normal guy react? and how would a SCP react?? Lets see...

Girlfriend: blah blah blah...

Normal guy:hmm.... aha.... oh.....

Girlfriend sees a cockroach,screams and holds guys hand.

Normal guy: Sweet heart, don't be afraid. I am there with you naa... I love you!

Girlfriend: I love you too!

i will leave the next scene to your wicked imaginations!

Now the same scenario with our nerdish SCP.

Girl friend: blah blah blah..

SCP:

( Stares blankly at her. nods his head vigoroulsy in an effort to convey to her that he is actually listening)

Girlfriend:

( sees a cockroach,screams and holds the guy's hand)

SCP: (to himself)

Whats wrong with her? Its only a cockroach?? I mean who is afraid of cockroach??

Is she trying to satisfy my male ego by making me feel like i am protecting her?

If the SCP guy is in terminal stage, then instead of wondering to himself, he will let those thoughts out.

********************************************

So, i guess you got a hang of what a socially challenged person means. He is a person who dont know how to behave in a social situation. He feels like he is attending a exam when he is in a group. By trying to be funny, he often embarasses himself. He is more comfortable with non living things than living things. Because of this inability he is often mistaken for arrogant,aloof idiot. Well, I am one.

I don't know why. I don't know how to make small talk. My conversation with a typical friend goes like this.

friend: hi

me: hi

friend: hows everything?

me: fine

friend: what else

me: nothing.

friend: hows life?

me: ya fine. every thing is routine.

friend: Um... ok bye

me: ok. bye!

I don't know how people manage to talk for hours on phone. The above conversation is the best i can manage. in fact, one friend accused me that i am not interseted in talking to him. He said that may be he was disturbing me. I told him that theres nothing like taht and i am glad to talk to him. I just dont know what to talk! He got angry and hanged up.

I don't know how to keep relations. I don't know how to keep in touch with old friends.

worse yet, i don't know how to make new friends!

If a person who works in my office and with whom i never talked too much ran into me outside, i dont know what to do .Am i supposed to smile at him and go? or am i supposed to say hi and chat for some time? Am i supposed to ignore him ??

In office, When a co worker is coming straight ahead of me in opposite direction, am i supposed to make eye contact?? am i supposed to mumble some greeting?? can i ignore him??

It all may seem silly to you. May be you are doing all this stuff by reflex so that you are not aware that this kind of problems actually existsBut Thats not the case with me. every minute i am not alone is like a test to me!

I know this post sucks. Never mind. but next time when u see a person suffering with these symtoms of SCP, please dont think he is arrogant. Thats all i am hoping from this post!

Life, Death and The Bucket List

2008-04-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Have u ever wondered when will it all will be over? When will u die? how would it feel to be dead? ( dumb question, i know, but its got a mystic,ironic feel to it.) well. You will certainly ponder about all these questions after watching this movie... "The bucket List".
It refers to a list of to-dos of two terminally ill cancer patients before they die in six months.
I wont dwell into the story but i would recommend u to watch it.
But seeing the movie spurred something in me... i sat calmly and thought for an hour. One question disturbing my mind???
"When u are in deathbed and about to die, what will be the thoughts in ur mind?"
"if your life scrolls before ur eyes, what images that would contain?"

Eventually, i figured out some answers and frankly, they are really disturbing for me.
When u are about to die, you wont remember the movies u watched. No, u wont think about ur favourite hero.
You wont think about the cricket matches u saw on TV. u wont give a damn whether india won the T20 or Test series with Australia...
You wont think about any material pocessions ( sorry if it sounded like a cliche..).
You would only think about ur loved ones. The love u got from others since u was a child.
and the love you gave to others.
You may argue that there is nothing new in this discovery. But personally its painful for me.
coz i realised at that moment that may be i am prioritizing my life in a wrong way.
may be i am giving importance to frivolus things and neglecting important things. I wont dwell into personals and stop here.
I've anther question for u. If u know that u are going to die in a month or so. how would ur attitude towards the world change??
Let me guess....
You will appreciate the small wonders of life.
You will try to love everbody in ur life.
The silly opinions u held against some people won't matter and
some of your adamant beliefs seem unimportant.
You will see the world from a whole new paradigm.
and if u have enough positve attitude,
you will try live every remaining day of your life...
Why do we need a deadline from death to think in this way?
Why cant we do that now?
Before i stop,I will leave you with these questions from the movie.... Think about them...
Have u found joy in your life??
and most importantly
Have u given joy to other people around you??

PISS WORDS

2008-04-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, the biggest worries for mankind were hunger,calamities,death,war etc.. gone are those golden days!
The second most fearful thing after death for me is not public speaking anymore. Its now fear of forgetting passwords.
I may sound like i am exaggerating but just look at the list of passwords i have to remember…
1. My mail account.
2. My office computer
3.My laptop
4.My bank account
5.My Railways website account.
6.My office mail account.
7. My office helpdesk account.
8.My blog account.
9. My ultimatix account(its very complex to explain what it is. Lets just say that is my office website.)
and i didnt even mentioned my multiple email accounts, blog accounts!
“What’s the big deal,loser!” you may ask. “whats the worst thing that can happen?
there are always options like “Did u forget ur password?’”.
Yup. There are. But to me, they look like ” u forget ur password yet again, mudhead! Are you positive that u know the alphabets??”. Its a personal problem.
anywayz that list was not an end for me!
you might observe that the contribution of my office to the above list is quiet significant. its not a coincidence. After all, every company’s primary goal is to torture their employees in new and innovative ways.
(now know why i am a loser…!!)
But my company didnt think this was enough. After what i thought an eternity on bench, i got allocated to a proshit.(it u think i misspelled it, think again!). now i swear i have to remember 10 more passwords which are purely work related and highly confidential and critical. even worse, if i mistype the password for 3 times, the respective account gets locked, and it takes an entire day to sort out the mess.
And in the confidentiality agreement i signed, i am sure that there was a condition in a obscure corner that i am responsible for any kind of information leak from my PC.
So, i live in constant fear of forgetting my passwords or losing them.
The ultimate thing that pisses me off is while i select my passwords.
should be atleast 10 characters
mustn’t be easy to guess
should contain Captial and small letters
must contain Numbers and symbols
must change every week( for my work related passwords)
even u should nt remember it after 10 minutes of distraction
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA………..! Isnt there any simpler way??????????