Confessions of a Male brain!

Today, a (lady)colleague asked me out of blue:"What are you thinking right now?"

I was cornered. I panicked. I didn't know what to say... So i did what i do best: I cracked a stupid joke and diverted her attention. Phew!!

 If u are a guy, U will understand my concern.If you are a girl,  you are probably wondering what the heck this panicking is all about.

Let me give an useful advice to all the girls out there:

Never ever ask a guy what he was thinking. Believe me,U dont want to know!

Well,if u insist,Let us just say that nine out of ten times,We will be thinking about things which we wouldn't be willing to share with our mothers (or female colleagues).

E.g:               I wonder if that hot girl i saw this morning has a boy friend...

                         

                                                             OR

                         Gotta catch the first show of darling Namita's next film!

IMP NOTE: I've deliberatley given the examples which are somewhat 'U' rated and mentionable.Please be warned that 80% of the thoughts are, well.... unmentionable.      

I might pass off as a pervert for coming out of closet and saying this,but believe me,Every guy thinks the same! So u better make peace with that fact!!

P.S: If u honestly believe that ur boyfriend/lover/husband/brother doesn't think that way, my hearty condolences to you.

OFF TOPIC:

  Owing to some ideological differences with my dhobi, I washed my clothes all by myself after nearly 10 months and ready to dry them. And Whola!,It is raining cats and dogs in Chennai,In Mid May! 

  I guess Universe has its own unique way of saying-"BUWAHAHAHAA! DIE LOSER,DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!"

@ MOVIES....

An amazing thing happened to me at movies yesterday. 

Just when i was ready to immerse myself in the movie, i felt a familiar scent beside me. It was scent of a woman. Excuse me, a HOT woman , sitting beside me. Gosh! Why do i keep running into them wherever i go?? I go on a train, they are beside me, i get into a bus,they come and sit beside me,I sit in the  beach,they come and trip into my lap.Can't a Hot single Macho guy live in peace in this city????

   But this time,i wasn't feeling that bitter. After all, the hotness quotient of this chick beside me 

is VERY HIGH! Also the fact that her outfit can give Mallika Sherawat a run for her money helped!  

   As you all know, I am a decent guy.I am not the type of guy who will be caught with his hand in contraversial places;especially if those places belongs to hot girls. So i was minding my own business, and much to my chagrin,i felt the  hot girl rubbing her knee against Mine. 

   The fact that she is flirting with me didn't annoy me. I mean, who can blame them, poor things! But why play around? If she finds me irresistably attractive, she could have directly said so, right??

 Hmm,I wanted to tease her a little and feigned like i didn't observe. She was visibly upset.After 

sometime, she made her next move.

 "The film is boring,isn't it??" She whispered.

Now we are talking! (pun,intended.or may be not! whatever)

I turned towards her,said in my natural husky voice"In some parts,yeah".

"there isn't much romance in the film" she said,her eyes are inviting....

"Just as well, i get enough  romance from  my real life" i replied.

"I can tell that from your looks" She is deep into the game.

"You aren't doing too bad either" i smiled one of my enchanting smiles. I can almost see her melting.

"You would say a lot more than that if you  see me properly" We were practically whispering in each other's ears. We didn't want to disturb the other 5 or 6 people in the hall.

"I would be willing to take that challenge"

"Lets get out of here" she was suddenly anxious, by anticipation i guess.

"Sure, honey.Let me get my bike, does fisherman's cove work for you??" I was at my charming best.

"Name doesnt matter. Just a place,thats all" boy,she IS  in a hurry!

We left the hall, I started my byk and ......................

HA! WHO AM I KIDDING???

Yes, i went to the movies. Here is the actual scene:

 

To the left of me was an octogenarian who kept coughing throughout the movie and rendered half of the dialouges inaudible.

To the right of me were two tamil guys, who didn't understand the telugu movie anyway, So kept chatting with eachother.It goes without saying that they didn't exactly spoke in low decibel levels.

In the front row was a family with a four year old kid, who kept asking his parents every five minutes,

"what's happening"

"what's the boy saying?"

"what's the boy doing to the girl?"

In the back row,there were some idiots who kept whistling even at the sight of a saree,  skirt   and everything faminine. I am half expecting that they were touching themselves in the romantic scenes.

As Calvin once lamented,"REALITY CONTINUES TO RUIN MY LIFE!" 

Boyfriend Vs Lover

The other day, i was chitchating with a friend over phone(other day = eons ago) and the topic turned to love.

  "Say, how is ur boyfriend?" I asked casually...

 She was silent for few seconds.Then she said,"Don't say 'boyfriend',He is my lover!"

    I was bewildered.

  "They mean same thing,don't they??"

  "No...boyfriend sounds ....wrong!"

I didn't understand  and persisted that she elaborate. And she did.

  " Well... if i say he is my boyfriend, It sounds somewhat frivolous- like it is just a fling! but if i say he is my lover,it feels pure,honest!"

 This logic may sound strange first,but the more i thought about it,the more it made sense to me.

Personally for me, saying that X is my girlfriend sounds much cooler than saying that X is my lover.

And the least attractive than both is saying that X is my wife.... If u are a guy, imagine it in ur head, u will understand. if you are a girl, how about giving  me your phone number, I am single!

 To sum up,this is what we have learned: arranged in decreasing order of kewlness-

   Girlfriend

   Lover

   Wife - (NOT KEWL AT ALL!!!)

 Can u spot the pattern? It is also increasing order of ,Um.... Seriousness in the relationship. 

 Thats why girls prefer to call their boyfriends as lovers and boys prefer to call their lovers as girlfriends. coz the former push for commitment and the later always are terrified about it!

For girls, the diagram looks this way.

   boy friend (Prey)

  

   Lover

   Husband (Hmm.... commitment!)

 Am i genius or what!!!

Advise for guys: The next time your GF refers you as "lover" instead of "bf",thats the warning sign. Run like ur ass is on fire, or else u are committed! You are inches away from becoming "Hubby"!!

P.s:(completely unrelated to the topic)

 The distance between the spot where  our office bus stops and the Air conditioned comfort of our office is a meagre ten feet. Apparantly, some girls are too delicate to walk in the sun that much distance without protection of Umbrella,as i witnessed today!

  People ask me why i keep ridiculing women in my posts, and i don't have any answers.....

A Male Chauvinistic Pig Ponders....

Ever since i've decided to get out of this shit hole (popularly known as "job") and go after MBA,i am spending my time in office a bit relaxedly. I may not be the Most deligent worker before,but now, i can feel that my work standards have reduced drastically. 

Here is a list of things i've been doing in office...

1. Reading Garfield strips.

2. Taking "Breaks" in between reading those and having Tea in canteen.

3. Bitching about our boss with other colleagues.

4. Doodling absurd shapes on notebook and calling it "Art"

5. Making awkward talk with female colleagues and fancying myself as a flirt.

6. Thinking about lot of useless stuff.

   Unless u are autistic,the first five are pretty much self explanatory.It is the sixth one that needs some elobaration. and i will do the same...

   I've this weird habit of thinking about stuff that nobody usually bothers about. U can refer to my previous posts for some examples.From past few days, i am observing something interesting happening at my office; there is a non zero chance that it is my hallucination,but you are here reading this crap means u are pretty much wasting ur time anyway,so u've nothing to lose,so Read on....

 Everyday at 13:00 the bus for afternoon shift people comes to my stop.Out of 30 seats in the bus i usually find 33% women. That is 10.The shift ends at 22:30, and in the return bus,as if by potter's magic,there are only 1 or 2 women.Where have all the other women gone? Working overtime in the office?? 

I wish....

 According to Our company's security policy,Female associates are advised to leave the office by 

20:30,so most of them leave by that time.But what they conveniently forget is that they are also supposed to be in the office by 11:30.Yet daily, i see women coming to office by 13:00 bus, i know most of them will be leaving by 20:30,and i can't help but wonder about the implications...

  Ofcourse, i am not saying that every woman bunks her office every day,She might come early 3 days a week,but everyday the ratio is same. 10 women in afternoon bus;1 or 2 in night bus,so on average daily atleast 8 women per bus are hosing our company by working for only 6 hours!

  Our office has 6000 employees,assuming 33% of them are woman,they account to 2000. 

And by conservative estimates,let us assume that half of them are coming by shifts-1000

And half of them are coming in afternoon shifts on any given day - 500

  So effectively,our company is losing 1000 man-hours or should i say,woman-hours per day! That becomes 20000 woman-hours per month.

  that means our efficiency is getting reduced by 2% just because of these women weasles in the office... 

---------------------------------------

This is mostly armchair reasoning. It involves pulling numbers out of air and assuming they are true.But since i don't intend to do any real work in the office,i reckon it is best way for me to pass time.( Hold on here for a moment and marvel at my vast vocabulary. On the other hand, if u think that "reckon" is too simple a word,let me know so that i can use more complex words in my next post and be smug about it...)

  Also, this post is intentionally intended to be male chauvinistic. U can argue that men are no better, they take too many breaks, are not sincere,put sick leave whenver there is cricket on Tv,blah blah blah.....but i am too arrogant to pay heed to those views!!