A JOURNEY THROUGH HELL...

Now,before i start,let me assure u that i am pretty liberal when it comes to judging movies. When i say liberal, i mean "Sees all kinds of crap". For most of my friends, if there aren't any buildings blowing up or women stripping down, that movie is "art". I bet that they will not sit through the first 15 minutes of a movie like... shall we say "crash"? Not me. I've incredulous amount of tolerance levels when it comes to watching dull movies. I take a certain amount of pride in that matter. But some days back, i met my nemesis! The time stood still, The air stopped circulating,life lost its meaning while i wasted away two and half hours of my precious life watching a "path-breaking" movie called... HOld ur breath...

2001: A space odyssey

Now some of u may be wondering like "Thats a wonderful movie! Whats wrong with u, freak!". To those people i respectfully say "Get the hell out of here,perverts! Before the spirit of lucifer engulfs me..."

phew... Sorry for that little outburst.Anyway,the only reason i saw that movie was it was hailed as the best space movie ever by so-called critics. The movie's length was 3 hours. Now let me explain what the movie was about...


First 30 minutes: Repeated visuals of A bunch of chimps jumping around.Then one night, they find a lean door like rocky thingy infront of them. Then suddenly one of the chimps gets wild, goes on a killing spree.

Next 15 minutes: A large donut-shaped space station rolling around in space.
No,seriously.
YOu will see nothing but a visual of that wheel rolling,with the background of earth.The background music is worth mentioning here. Its like what you would expect from a stage musical drama.

Next 15 minutes: According to me, this was the best part of the film for several reasons. You get to hear the first dialogue of the film, You see a sight glimpse of something called a "plot", YOU will be offered a glimmer of (false) hope that the film was actually going somewhere.

Next 20 minutes: Now, let me digress here and explain the vision of the director. He thought that audience will be enthralled by seeing what exactly it would be like to be in space. So
we see a waitress walking in a reverse-gravity environment for 5 minutes.
a group of scientists travelling through a space capsule for 10 minutes.


To sum up the first one and half hour of the movie:

some scientists find A lean door like rocky thingy on the moon which was similar to the lean door like rocky thingy found by chimps a billion years ago...

My experience of these 90 minutes can be best described as "painful".(It still hurts to recall those scenes!)


Next 20 minutes: 8 years later, two guys on a secret mission to mars.And oh, they are guided a super computer with a personality. The mission was so secret that even the guys also dont know what it is...
On retrospect,it is the second best part of the movie.

Now, this computer is a funny thing. I believe it's name is HAL.It controls all the ship,super competent,in its own words," It is never wrong"

The hope of a coherent plot is up again.U start looking for a connection.Let me warn u, U are in for a rude shock!

Next,30 minutes: Predictably,HAL goes crazy,much like the chimp in the first reel,takes control over the ship,kills one guy,tries to kill another.The other guy gets pissed off,kills the computer by disconnecting its memory.

It may sound exciting, but believe me,YOu wish u were watching "Ram gopal varma ki aag" instead of this. and here's why....

1. The director chose a dim red light to represent the HAL,Its more of like a survilience camera actually.Though the computer is spread all over the ship, whenver Tha HAL speaks,the screen is filled with the image of that red camera. After one point, it becomes so silly that u will not be able to decide if u want to laugh or cry!

2. The music director scores again. This 30 minutes are such a musical mess that i was half determined to dig his grave and slap him reeeeeaal hard! ( I am assuming he would be dead by now,If he is not, I am buying myself a plane ticket!)

3. The whole process of one guy dying and the other guy killing HAL is such a slow process that it almost qualifies as "slow poison"

Next 20 minutes:

Ah! the final 20 minutes... I have no words to explain what happens in the climax. Because honestly, i didn't understood a bit.

If i have to, i will say its a mixture of random shots of the protagonist's face mixed with some eye soaring images of the universe, with camera zooming ahead all kinds of colors spreading around for so long that u will start screaming," Gaaaa! SOMEBODY STOP THE MOVIE! SOMEBODY PAUSE IT...!!!"

And in the last few minutes,Our hero finds himself in a room and see that lean door like rocky thingy.then some strange stuff happens that is not even explainable. Then the music director goes for a knock out punch on ur face.... finally when the end credits role, U won't know how u feel... happy for ur future as u r still alive or sad for ur mind which was scarred for life with the movie's memories...


To sum up the next 80 minutes:

An intelligent computer screws the mission to mars to find abt that lean door like rocky thingy.
then some weird stuff happens!

I racked up my brains trying to find the connection between the two threads of the movie..
1. the computer on the killing spree
2. the weird rocky thingy

I guess its one of those great unanswerable questions of life.....


I may seem a little harsh in reviewing this film.But allow me to say once again that THIS FILM SUCKS! ITS THE WORST FILM I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE!


Apparantly, the director once said that " the film is open to interpretation. I don't want to tell what i wanted to depict and ruin it for the audience. let them draw their own conclusions"

Now, thats very fishy! My theory goes like this:

the director directed the entire movie while he was taking drugs.then a highly acclaimed critic saw the movie when he was inebriated by a dozen beers and mumbled something like " thaz muvviee iz wundurrfaalll. itch pewwr aart!.Ifyuu donch gettit, yuu arrr a moraan!".

Now eager to prove that they were not morons, all the other critics joined the band and blew the trumphets of the movie.

The director,meanwhile cured in a rehab centre,was clueless when he was asked for the directors cut.So he came up with that ingenious reply!


I know its a long shot but i dont see any other explanation here....
Ofcourse, i realize that there is a offchance that the movie is a classic and i am an idiot for not understanding it. but my massive igo and immense arrogance doesn't allow me to think so....


So... thats what i wanted to say about the path breaking movie of all time "2001: a space odyssey" or as i prefer to call "utter sh*t"

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Women! Did ur boyfriend/husband called u fat? or made fun about ur shopping? do u want to punish him but
without him realizing that?Here is the way... propose that u two spend some quality time by catching a cool flick. Then put this DVd. as the titles are rolling, mumble something like
"good god!How could i forget!Honey! I've to call somone. You carry on... and YOU tell me the story evvvvry bit when i come back!"
( say this last line as seducingly as possible)
Then run like hell!
Run for ur life!

Best Job Ever!

I always find myself thinking about how i should be spending my post retirement years. You may think it is  a bit early to plan,considering i am just 23.But i like to plan ahead.Anyway, acknowledging the fact that i am the laziest fellow on earth and stupendously incompetent at many things, i always thought i have no option but to sit in a arm chair and read newspapers. But there was always some glitter of hope in me that i can find some sort of job which will be fun,respectable and allow me to sit and relax all day. It seems like a christmas miracle,but i think i found my post - retirement job!

  On christmas eve, i went to Santhome church in mylapore. It was good, but i didn't find a lot of people. I gotta say i was surprised. Anyway,its all a bit alien to me,so i was observing closely. In a corner, i saw a very old man with a this-is-my-last-day-on-earth look in him sitting in a chair looking around. he is wearing some kind of priesty clothes, so i assumed he was some sort of father( i really don't know all these terms). But i was perplexed. I mean, what exactly was he doing? i found the answer soon enough. A young lady came to him and sat on her knees beside him. She started whispering in his ear.He looked very attentive, he bore a sympathetic face,nodding gently now and then. Then it hit me.

He is the guy who listens to all the confessions! Bingo.... hello, my future job!

  Now,let me confess to you why i thought this job will be ideal for me. I think it should be pretty obvious but for the slow graspers out there, it involves me sitting cozily in a chair listening to people admitting that they were idiots and jerks. I don't see how any job can be more fun than that.

Hallelooyah! ( to hell with the spelling!)

  Obviously, there are lot of problems with this plan.On the top of my head, technically i have to be a christian. and may be i have to climb a job ladder until i reach that position. I have no idea if u have to be a junior priest,assistant priest that kind of thing, but i will bother about that later. i don't think that will be a big issue. If any documents are required, i will fake them. for christ's sake, we can even get fake passports and visas these days! how hard that can be? May be i will fake a document appointing me as a honorary priest and take it to a not-so-famous church and settle there. I will create the document so that it will be signed by Pope himself,so that i will be getting a lot of respect.

 Getting recomendation from pope gets another problem out of my way: doing all the priest related work.

I don't know what those guys do when they are not listening to people pouring their hearts out,but i am not interested in it. i will avoid all that stuff. But i make it sound noble. May be i will say something along the lines of " These earthly matters doesn't interest me.My lord instructed me to bless his children by listening to their sins. Now, send that lady in. She seems to have a naughty secret.. i mean confession"

  But do you know what my biggest challenge will be? keeping a straight face while listening to those  naughty/funny/stupid/horrible tales. I may be tempted to say some thing wicked or naughty sometimes...

Hot girl: Father,bless me,for i have sinned.I've betrayed my parents' trust by sleeping with my boy friend.

Me : whoo... Thats one lucky bastard! I mean amen....

          OR

Crazy guy: Father, i killed my father and my two brothers so that i can get his 100 crores of property. will the lord forgive me?

Me : Sure, oops... It seems i forgot to turn off the recorder. Anyway, i negotiated with the lord and he is willing to forgive you if you share 10% of that property with his blessed child,me! BUWAHAHAHA!

            OR 

boring old lady: Then he said, "there is no salt in the curry" .I said," You are mean to me,you don't love me any more". he said....

Me : Now,finish ur confession real fast and get the hell outta here, Grandma! or else i will choke you to death and confess it to my self!

See what i mean?? Its going to be very difficult not to do those things. 

But i will manage some how!

 

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P.S: I KNOW THIS POST IS IN VERY BAD TASTE. IN MY DEFENCE, I DIDN'T SAY THAT 

I AM A NOBLE SAMARITAN.

TAKE A CHILL PILL!

SANDEEPHISM

My favourite passtime involves me fantasizing about stuff i think i would like to do but in real life too timid to actually do it. To day is your lucky day! you are going to get a chance to peek into my fantasy world for a while.

    Today i saw a lady in my office wearing a burkha  on the top of her dress. Call it creepy coincidence, but today i also saw a sikh guy sporting a huge beard and a guy wearing overall blacks as he is in "ayyappa diksha".

   This is disturbing on many levels. 

Apparantly,not shaving ur beard is bad for the company and moral of the employees,but okay if your religion doesn't allow it. Similarly,wearing formal clothes is neccessary for professional environment,

but not if ur religion forbids it. Apparantly if our clients see this bearded guys and burkha women they will understand that they are simply following their religion. so no loss for company.

This is exactly the  kind of situation where my wicked mind will go gaga over various possibilities.

So i digged up some HR policy list in our company website and bingo! I found that Our company will give "Reasonable" exceptions to people regarding their dress code based on their religions.

There are two loose terms here. one is "reasonable" and another is, of course : "Religion" . I can to use them to my advantage. So i fantasized about talking my HR into giving me permsion to wear normal clothes and chappals to office. It will probably go like this:

Me: So, i understand that Our company is willing  to make reasonable exceptions to accomdate my religious beliefs.

HR : Yes, we do.

Me: kool. Because my religion doesn't allow me to wear shoes. god will make me rot in hell if i hide my feet from fellow human beings.

HR: (probably confused): I never heard of that before.  What religion is that??

Me: (casually): Oh, i don't have a name for it. but i am thinking along the lines of sandeephism.

do u like it??

HR: Are you saying that u founded ur own religion??

Me: yup,I don't see why i should follow other religions  which are thousands of year old and obviously outdated. My religion is kooler and trendier.

HR: (shocked)

Me: Of course, for now, its a lonely religion, but i am hoping to convince my parents and my brother to join it.

HR: Um, i am afraid we don't recognize...

Me: (angrily) What? Are you insulting my religion? Are you insulting my god's ways?? I am gonna complain to the regional HR head that you are showing discrimination against my religion..

HR: (aghast): But That rule in ur religion is wierd...

Me: Hey, if sikhs can believe that they are not supposed to display their hair, why can't i believe that i am not supposed to NOT display my feet?? Thats it. I am escalating it to....

HR: okay, okay, U may wear chappals to work.

Me: Good, now according to my religion, I am only supposed to wear round neck T shirts with funny captions.... 

   I hope you got the hang of what i was hoping to achieve here. But alas, I am too timid to actually go and talk to my HR, So i fantasize and write blog entries about it. But hey, thats cool too....

QUESTION: Assuming i convinced ur HR that followers of my religion need not wear shoes and ties and formals, will you convert to sandeephism and proclaim me as ur prophet??