Best Job Ever!

I always find myself thinking about how i should be spending my post retirement years. You may think it is  a bit early to plan,considering i am just 23.But i like to plan ahead.Anyway, acknowledging the fact that i am the laziest fellow on earth and stupendously incompetent at many things, i always thought i have no option but to sit in a arm chair and read newspapers. But there was always some glitter of hope in me that i can find some sort of job which will be fun,respectable and allow me to sit and relax all day. It seems like a christmas miracle,but i think i found my post - retirement job!

  On christmas eve, i went to Santhome church in mylapore. It was good, but i didn't find a lot of people. I gotta say i was surprised. Anyway,its all a bit alien to me,so i was observing closely. In a corner, i saw a very old man with a this-is-my-last-day-on-earth look in him sitting in a chair looking around. he is wearing some kind of priesty clothes, so i assumed he was some sort of father( i really don't know all these terms). But i was perplexed. I mean, what exactly was he doing? i found the answer soon enough. A young lady came to him and sat on her knees beside him. She started whispering in his ear.He looked very attentive, he bore a sympathetic face,nodding gently now and then. Then it hit me.

He is the guy who listens to all the confessions! Bingo.... hello, my future job!

  Now,let me confess to you why i thought this job will be ideal for me. I think it should be pretty obvious but for the slow graspers out there, it involves me sitting cozily in a chair listening to people admitting that they were idiots and jerks. I don't see how any job can be more fun than that.

Hallelooyah! ( to hell with the spelling!)

  Obviously, there are lot of problems with this plan.On the top of my head, technically i have to be a christian. and may be i have to climb a job ladder until i reach that position. I have no idea if u have to be a junior priest,assistant priest that kind of thing, but i will bother about that later. i don't think that will be a big issue. If any documents are required, i will fake them. for christ's sake, we can even get fake passports and visas these days! how hard that can be? May be i will fake a document appointing me as a honorary priest and take it to a not-so-famous church and settle there. I will create the document so that it will be signed by Pope himself,so that i will be getting a lot of respect.

 Getting recomendation from pope gets another problem out of my way: doing all the priest related work.

I don't know what those guys do when they are not listening to people pouring their hearts out,but i am not interested in it. i will avoid all that stuff. But i make it sound noble. May be i will say something along the lines of " These earthly matters doesn't interest me.My lord instructed me to bless his children by listening to their sins. Now, send that lady in. She seems to have a naughty secret.. i mean confession"

  But do you know what my biggest challenge will be? keeping a straight face while listening to those  naughty/funny/stupid/horrible tales. I may be tempted to say some thing wicked or naughty sometimes...

Hot girl: Father,bless me,for i have sinned.I've betrayed my parents' trust by sleeping with my boy friend.

Me : whoo... Thats one lucky bastard! I mean amen....

          OR

Crazy guy: Father, i killed my father and my two brothers so that i can get his 100 crores of property. will the lord forgive me?

Me : Sure, oops... It seems i forgot to turn off the recorder. Anyway, i negotiated with the lord and he is willing to forgive you if you share 10% of that property with his blessed child,me! BUWAHAHAHA!

            OR 

boring old lady: Then he said, "there is no salt in the curry" .I said," You are mean to me,you don't love me any more". he said....

Me : Now,finish ur confession real fast and get the hell outta here, Grandma! or else i will choke you to death and confess it to my self!

See what i mean?? Its going to be very difficult not to do those things. 

But i will manage some how!

 

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P.S: I KNOW THIS POST IS IN VERY BAD TASTE. IN MY DEFENCE, I DIDN'T SAY THAT 

I AM A NOBLE SAMARITAN.

TAKE A CHILL PILL!