Twitterbugs

I've this feeling that some of you are feeling let down by the lack of slander,virulence and venom in few of my previous posts. Let me assure that I am as Scroogish as ever. Infact, I've became more cynical and I hate this world with more rigor and aggression. And to prove my point, here is a post full of misguided arrogance, gross generalization and incredulous insensitivity.

Have fun!

I hate facebook. It's full of retards who think they are being 'kewl'. Whenever I see my acquaintances playing farmville, mafiawars or some other retarded dumbfuck game, or share yet another mind numbing application like 'friend of the day', I feel like knocking on their doors and slapping them. So I joined twitter.

I thought twitter would be different. Twitter would be more....intellectual. There are no stupid video sharings, No stupid applications, No stupid games. It would be pure aggregation of interesting information, intelligent opinion and a place to expand your knowledge.

I heard the warning bells ring when I observed that an ever-present-entity in the trending topic list is a 15 year old Canadian singer who sounds like a girl and dresses like a gay. Surely you can't expect much from a place populated by Justin Bieber fans!

And my fears were true. It turns out twitter is no better than facebook in terms of its retard quotient. So I took the pains to segregate the moronic population of twitter into different groups.

Here is how it goes:

Diary Writers:

Somehow these guys got this idea that twitter is your pubic online diary. So they update it with the most boring facts of their every day life. A typical twitter feed looks like this.

Woke up at 8'0 clock. OMG, I will be late for office!

In the metro. Gosh, its so crowded!

Just reached the office, hope the boss doesn't notice i am late. LOL!

Had a sumptuous lunch . feeling sleepy.

Logging off the comp. Back to home now :)

Watching 'My name is khan' now. Sharukh is the greatest actor in the world.

Okay. Hitting the sack. good night Tweeps! sweet dreams.....

Seriously, I don't mind tweeting your life as long as it is interesting and full of adventures, like Indiana Jones. But it is seldom the case with these tweeters. They might as well stick a note on their foreheads saying " i have the most boring life possible!"

Celebrity Hunters:

I find these creatures the most annoying thing about twitter. Their mission is to follow as many celebrities as possible and respond to every mundane thing those shit heads tweet.

A typical time line...

@Iamsrk your movie is too good,man. Keep rocking!

@realpreityzinta Why aren't you doing any movies, We are all missing you dear!

@chetan_bhagat I loooooove ur books. and don't worry. We all support YOU!

@Beingsalmankhan Welcome to twitter, sir! Itna der kyon kar diya aane mein? LOL!

@shahidkapoor What are the new movies you are doing??

Retweeters:

Okay, they are not exactly annoying. But they make me feel pity for them. These guys doesn't have absolutely any thing original to say, and all they do is to retweet the interesting tweets of the people they follow.

Quoters:

These guys are somewhat overlapped with the retweeters category. Their timeline consists of nothing but the lame ass quotes of over rated self help gurus, famous philosophers and done to death platitudes about life.

RT @paulcoelho Joy is contagious, lets spread this virus! (my reaction: No shit, sherlock!)

RT @Deepakchopra Coincidences are anonymous gifts that point to a deeper reality (my reaction: What the fuck does that mean,seriously!)

Life is not the number of breaths you take. its the number of moments that take your breath away!

Yester day is a cancelled check. tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is an unopened gift. That is why it is called...... 'PRESENT'.

Fraandshippers

Of course, any form of social platform is incomplete without this category. But twitter is a boon for the fraandshippers because you don't need others to accept your fraandship. So, you can go full throttle on your own.

@divya K Hey, beautful, where are u from? shall we be frands?

@chaitu123 Hey, are u male or female, its so confusing yaa.....

@Priyatweets Hey darling, very good looking you. wanna make frandship with me??

@Aashadev LoL, you are too funny yaa, Gimme your phone number, I wanna know you more!

Bandwagonists:

And finally, the least annoying of them all. People who heard great things about twitter; read about it in some paper or heard sharukh khan was on it; created an account, got bored and completely forgot about it! They tweet once in about three or four months, just to, I don't know, to satisfy themselves that they are not missing out on the latest 'in' thing.

but, frankly, I prefer their approach to tweeting rubbish, like the dairy writers do.

Now, this list is in no way exhaustive. I thought of at least 17 types of twitterbugs, but forgot to note them down. And I can't seem to recollect them now.But enough hatred for one post, I think. I will update any new categories i can think of.

Keep sucking guys, or else I will run out of things to make fun of......

MAD!

Disclaimer: If this post seems like a poor collection of haphazardly constructed sentences, it is because I am writing this while listening to the songs of balakrishna's epic movie 'Simha'. Not because I am a talentless dork who thinks he is funny. I know I am awesome.

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Defining moments. Every man's life will have a bunch of them which will change the course of his life forever. When I say man, I mean man. I don't know about women and I don't want to speculate. But probably their most defining moment is when they lay their eyes on that beautiful pink prada bag or something. Yeah, I am a MCP.

Coming back to man and his defining moments, you would think that these are very personal and different for different people. They are, if you are noble prize winner or something. For all other good for nothing every day jacks like you and me, they are fairly common and predictable.

They go something like this:

- first bully fight in school

- first time you became aware of your "thing" and its many, um,undiscovered functions

- your first drink/cigarette/drugs/other crazy shit youth do that i've no idea about

- your first love are u effing kidding me? Its as much a defining moment as your first potty training. get over it!

- first kiss

- first time sex I've it on expert authority that this is highly over rated and mostly awkward experience.

- first appraisal on job

- first time some one calls you uncle instead of 'bhaiyya'

- your slow, painful, inevitable death

No, I didn't skip any between the last two items. That is what I feel. Once you are called an 'uncle', all that is left in your life is to wait for the sweet cold embrace of the grim reaper.

And that happened to me today!

I was standing in the Rajiv chowk metro station today, on my way to watch LSD. I was examining the route map when I first heard that fateful word

I couldn't believe my ears.

I couldn't believe my eyes either.

Because its not some 4 year child who called me that dreadful word. Its a gang of some 12 year old giggling girls.

They asked me something about the train schedule, but my mind freezed in that moment. It kept playing "that" word in my head like in a b grade hindi film.

Uncle?

Uncle???

I've no idea how i watched the movie and returned home.

I know I am not exactly a fashion icon. My wardrobe leaves much to be desired. Clean underpants and stainless shirts if you want me to be specific. But still, I think it is unacceptable that I should be addressed as "uncle".

So I've decided to do the most sensible and fruitful thing to do.

I am writing an open letter to all the women of delhi through my blog. The fact that the female reader count of my blog borders on zero will not deter me!

So, here it goes:

Dear delhi girls, especially those bird brained giggly teenage types:

I am not a 'uncle'. This is what an average 'uncle' looks like.

On the other hand, this is how me and other average 23 year olds look like.

So, stop f**king calling me UNCLE or else I will catch hold of each one of you and explain in detail

the history and significance of string theory! And believe me, you wouldn't want to know that!

Kthxbai