Taxing the happy

It was the wee hours of the morning. I was sitting on the outer edge of the amphi theatre, with a drink in hand and an eternal sullen expression on face. Around me are hundred odd happy souls, dancing to the tunes of latest bollywood and tacky 90's american rock. It was another one of those B school parties.

A mild depression engulfed my sensesas I watched these people. I said to the guy sitting next to me, " Look at them. Look at their smile, their awkward yet unselfcouncious dancing. I don't understand why they are so happy. Or how they can be so happy!"

The guy smiled and replied, " What! You think they are happy?"

"Well. They look happy happy to me...."

"The truth is" he said, " They are all dancing and singing just because they are expected to do so in a party. Nobody here actually have a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it. Look over there..." he pointed to a group of people shaking their heads in a frenzy. "Those morons are head banging to 'Emotional Attyachar'! The only reason they look happy to you is that they are conditioned to look so".

"So, what you are saying is that.... they are just pretending to be happy?"

"Not consciously, but yes.".

We sat there silently for few moments. Then I had that epiphany.

"Happiness should be taxed", I said.

He looked at me questioningly.

"It makes complete sense". I was suddenly excited.(Disclosure: I was mildly high.) " You see what is happening here? Those idiots are pretending to be happy just because society expects them to be. And looking at those phonies, chronic sourpusses like me are slipping into an even deeper states of depression, thinking that we are the only unfortunate souls. This must be stopped. And taxing the happiness is the only way."

He didn't say anything. I eagerly continued to support my case. " You see, if we tax the happiness, people will stop pretending to be happy. And if they are really happy, why should they get it for free? after all, it's also a kind of wealth, isn't it?"

"Okay, Mr. Adam Smith" he said "But don't you realize what will happen when we tax happiness? People will go out of their way to show the world that they are not happy. Just like they are doing the opposite now. Even people who are happy will pretend to be unhappy and submit fake receipts of depression pills as a proof"

" I can live with that." I mumured "Happiness is just an aberration from the equilibrium anyway. A glitch in the matrix......"

WHY BOOKS ARE INFINITELY MORE AWESOME THAN FRIENDS

1) Easy to acquire

No need to invest time and your emotions to build a relationship. No need to laugh at their stupid jokes and listen to their dumb anecdotes. You buy and the book is yours. Even better, you borrow it,forget that you borrowed it, and the book is yours!

2) Abundance

Seriously, how many interesting people are there around you? your so called 'friends' are probably the dumbest lot who play 'farmville', watch movies like 'Housefull' and post stupid cat videos on their facebook profiles!

On the other hand, I can name 100's of books whose sheer awesomeness will blow you away.

So even mathematics prove the superiority of books. numbers don't lie!!

3) Dispensability

In the unfortunate circumstances that you find a book boring, you can throw it away and read another one! Can u do it with your friends?? Not so easy, is it??You gotta be polite and sneaky as hell to shake him off. And if he can't take the hint, god bless you!

4) Convenience

Books are there for you whenever you are bored. They don't say "Dude, I am busy with stuff. catch you later,bye!" or "Are u out of your mind?? I am shagging this hot chick right now!!!"

And it's much easier to shut down a book and do your work than shaking off an intruding friend.

5) Barter

If somebody got a better or more interesting book, u can always loan it or exchange it with yours. Try that with your friends, and I am sure that awkward confrontations will ensue....

6) Fear of rejection

In every relationship, somebody trades up and the other trades down. It's very rare to find an equal. So, there is always a chance that your awesome friend will treat you as shit. Even if he doesn't show it, he probably thinks you are a retarded moron. May be he blogs about it, who knows?

But on the other hand, even the world's most awesomest book wouldn't act all snobbish in your hands. Once you acquire it, it's your bitch for life!

To sum up, the only reason you may want to maintain a friend is

A) If you are planning to shag his hot sister.

B) If that friend of yours is a girl and you don't want to mess up the .0000000000001 chance of shagging her.

Twitterbugs

I've this feeling that some of you are feeling let down by the lack of slander,virulence and venom in few of my previous posts. Let me assure that I am as Scroogish as ever. Infact, I've became more cynical and I hate this world with more rigor and aggression. And to prove my point, here is a post full of misguided arrogance, gross generalization and incredulous insensitivity.

Have fun!

I hate facebook. It's full of retards who think they are being 'kewl'. Whenever I see my acquaintances playing farmville, mafiawars or some other retarded dumbfuck game, or share yet another mind numbing application like 'friend of the day', I feel like knocking on their doors and slapping them. So I joined twitter.

I thought twitter would be different. Twitter would be more....intellectual. There are no stupid video sharings, No stupid applications, No stupid games. It would be pure aggregation of interesting information, intelligent opinion and a place to expand your knowledge.

I heard the warning bells ring when I observed that an ever-present-entity in the trending topic list is a 15 year old Canadian singer who sounds like a girl and dresses like a gay. Surely you can't expect much from a place populated by Justin Bieber fans!

And my fears were true. It turns out twitter is no better than facebook in terms of its retard quotient. So I took the pains to segregate the moronic population of twitter into different groups.

Here is how it goes:

Diary Writers:

Somehow these guys got this idea that twitter is your pubic online diary. So they update it with the most boring facts of their every day life. A typical twitter feed looks like this.

Woke up at 8'0 clock. OMG, I will be late for office!

In the metro. Gosh, its so crowded!

Just reached the office, hope the boss doesn't notice i am late. LOL!

Had a sumptuous lunch . feeling sleepy.

Logging off the comp. Back to home now :)

Watching 'My name is khan' now. Sharukh is the greatest actor in the world.

Okay. Hitting the sack. good night Tweeps! sweet dreams.....

Seriously, I don't mind tweeting your life as long as it is interesting and full of adventures, like Indiana Jones. But it is seldom the case with these tweeters. They might as well stick a note on their foreheads saying " i have the most boring life possible!"

Celebrity Hunters:

I find these creatures the most annoying thing about twitter. Their mission is to follow as many celebrities as possible and respond to every mundane thing those shit heads tweet.

A typical time line...

@Iamsrk your movie is too good,man. Keep rocking!

@realpreityzinta Why aren't you doing any movies, We are all missing you dear!

@chetan_bhagat I loooooove ur books. and don't worry. We all support YOU!

@Beingsalmankhan Welcome to twitter, sir! Itna der kyon kar diya aane mein? LOL!

@shahidkapoor What are the new movies you are doing??

Retweeters:

Okay, they are not exactly annoying. But they make me feel pity for them. These guys doesn't have absolutely any thing original to say, and all they do is to retweet the interesting tweets of the people they follow.

Quoters:

These guys are somewhat overlapped with the retweeters category. Their timeline consists of nothing but the lame ass quotes of over rated self help gurus, famous philosophers and done to death platitudes about life.

RT @paulcoelho Joy is contagious, lets spread this virus! (my reaction: No shit, sherlock!)

RT @Deepakchopra Coincidences are anonymous gifts that point to a deeper reality (my reaction: What the fuck does that mean,seriously!)

Life is not the number of breaths you take. its the number of moments that take your breath away!

Yester day is a cancelled check. tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is an unopened gift. That is why it is called...... 'PRESENT'.

Fraandshippers

Of course, any form of social platform is incomplete without this category. But twitter is a boon for the fraandshippers because you don't need others to accept your fraandship. So, you can go full throttle on your own.

@divya K Hey, beautful, where are u from? shall we be frands?

@chaitu123 Hey, are u male or female, its so confusing yaa.....

@Priyatweets Hey darling, very good looking you. wanna make frandship with me??

@Aashadev LoL, you are too funny yaa, Gimme your phone number, I wanna know you more!

Bandwagonists:

And finally, the least annoying of them all. People who heard great things about twitter; read about it in some paper or heard sharukh khan was on it; created an account, got bored and completely forgot about it! They tweet once in about three or four months, just to, I don't know, to satisfy themselves that they are not missing out on the latest 'in' thing.

but, frankly, I prefer their approach to tweeting rubbish, like the dairy writers do.

Now, this list is in no way exhaustive. I thought of at least 17 types of twitterbugs, but forgot to note them down. And I can't seem to recollect them now.But enough hatred for one post, I think. I will update any new categories i can think of.

Keep sucking guys, or else I will run out of things to make fun of......

Sangeek calling Sangeek

Time: 5:00 AM

Place: An undisclosed room of an undisclosed hostel of an obscure B-school

Trrrrrrrring.... Triiiiiiiiiiing...

Sangeek: hello....

Other side: Good morning, sangeek...

Sangeek: who r u?

Other side: Didn't recognize my voice? I am Sangeek speaking....

Sangeek: Sangeek?? whoddafock?

Sangeek 2: Surprised,aren't you?

Sangeek: OMG! Are u calling from the future?? Am i talking to my future self??

Sangeek 2: Duuude, this is why you aren't getting laid! Shut your geeky mouth and listen!!

Sangeek : ....... Okay.

Sangeek 2: I am gonna change your life,bro! I know you have crush on that girl in finance. I am gonna tell you what you need to do to make her fall for you, I...

Sangeek: Thnx, but no thnx!

Sangeek 2: Wat??

Sangeek: I don't want to talk to her. I would rather stalk her on facebook and stare at her from a distance.

Sangeek 2: Duuuuuude, what the shmuck are you talking? Y don't you want to talk to her??

Sangeek 1: You see, for me,she is the manifestation of everything pristine and beautiful in this world.

Sangeek 2: yeah, so??

Sangeek : But the problem is, I am a chronic cynic. I hate this world and almost everything in it. I firmly believe that the human race should be exterminated by a meteorite. I find people either incredibly stupid or incorrigibly arrogant.

Sangeek 2: So??

Sangeek : Don't you get it? The reason I am able to love her is that I don't know anything about her. I've never spoken to her, I've never heard her speak, for that matter. For all I know, she can be as intelligent as Ayn Rand or as annoying as Priyanka Chopra!

Sangeek 2: ........

Sangeek: But it will no longer be the case when I start speaking to her. I may find her boring, I may find her dumb,I may find her mean! She may not turn out to be the 'angel' I made her in my mind.

Paradise might be lost all over again, in my head!

Sangeek 2: That's crazy talk! What if you actually like her? Aren't you gonna regret not taking the chance??

Sangeek: Even If I DO like her, that's not gonna stay like that forever.Love fades over time.familiarity kills wonder. What if, in future, I no longer find my self drawn towards her as i am now? The mere fact that i may stop loving her makes me sick. So I decided that I would rather make this a perfect memory than a disappointing reality!

Sangeek 2: So,basically, your love story is Dead On Arrival??

Sangeek: I would rather think of it as avoiding inevitable tragic ending.

Sangeek 2: You're messed up!

Sangeek: But....

Sangeek 2: STFU! I am hanging up......

Click.....................................

***All the characters are fictional beyond reason and doubt, including the girl in finance!***

HATE LIST

Full disclosure: I am a borderline sociopath who is two stupid forward mails away from going on a crazy killing spree. I hate people.The sight of the world depresses me to no end. So it was only a matter of time before i came up with my own "Hate list".

What depresses me the most is this list covers 95% of the people I know.

Disclaimer: I use the word HATE liberally. Whenever I use it, it could mean anything among irritating,disgusting,depressing,funny,stupid,crazy and of course, hate. Figure it out for yourself.

Also, Please note that this list is in no way exhaustive. People are very creative when it comes to pissing me off. Also, there are some categories which can't be hated enough in two lines and deserve a separate post.

So, Without further delay, here's my hate list:

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people who write www.yahoo.com as "my webpage" in Orkut. Or people who write "my wedding date or my birthday" for the question: Your ideal date. These morons shouldn't be allowed to breed. I am NOT joking!

People who send 'fraand' requests to random girls. Seriously, How lame can people be?

people who start their conversation wth "sup dude?". Guess what Salinger would have called them?

People with ridiculous mail ids like princecharming4u@gmail.com - GTFO!

People who send chain messages like "send this to 8 ppl and ur love will kiss u on nearest possible friday!" or "Bill gates is sharing his wealth" mails.Seriously, how dumb you have to be to forward that crap?

Slactivists who delude them selves into thinking that they are actually serving the society by posting their bra colors on facebook or wearing green clothes on environmental day

newly wed girls who set their profile pic to "her with husband's hand on her shoulder". Its plain irritating for some inexplicable reason...Its like announcing to the world"Look at me bitches! Look how happy i am! I am married, muhahahaha!". Please note that i've no problem watever things they upload into their photo albums. Its the profile pic that bugs me!

people who figuratively use the word "literally". The most depressing part is when you see this in newspapers and books!

People who posted "all izz well..." in their status msgs or use it in their conversations. Too much exposure. Too predictable. I don't know why but it drives me crazy. Its just mega lame!

People who post personal msgs as their status msgs which they were too afraid to say to other people directly.

Eg: Why are you annoyed at me?? :(

I don't know?? You fucking ask that person!

People who play farmville/mafia wars on facebook. Dont ask why.They just depress me!

People who use "cool","lol","ROFLMAO" in every second phrase they write

On a related note, People who write " I am a cool and friendly guy" in their "about me"s.

Girly girls who demand attention,like shopping,want to be protected, and looooooooooooove 'Edward Cullen'. Hey girls! Here's a heads up: princecharmings doesn't exist! get real!!

People who think they read books because they've read chetan bhagat and sidny sheldon!

People who list "watching movies","Chilling out with friends" as their activities in orkut and fb.

People who fervently discuss question paper after exams and try to outwit each other with arguments like "I got 22 marks, you got 22.5. ergo, u are a genius!" We are in a fucking B-school,Dorks! Not in 8th grade!!

People who think loving India is equal to hating Pakistan.

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If you find your self in the list, Congratulations. You are a normal person. And you are probably considered as a "Cool guy" by your peers.

If you are not there, Well, wait till the next list!

P.S: You might have observed that the list is dominated by social networking references rather than real life. Thanks to my Scrooge-ish behavior coupled with my social awkwardness, My social circle can be literally counted on fingers. Yes, literally, not figuratively. So i had no choice but to turn to internet for hating people. Kthxbai

Confessions of a Male brain!

Today, a (lady)colleague asked me out of blue:"What are you thinking right now?"

I was cornered. I panicked. I didn't know what to say... So i did what i do best: I cracked a stupid joke and diverted her attention. Phew!!

 If u are a guy, U will understand my concern.If you are a girl,  you are probably wondering what the heck this panicking is all about.

Let me give an useful advice to all the girls out there:

Never ever ask a guy what he was thinking. Believe me,U dont want to know!

Well,if u insist,Let us just say that nine out of ten times,We will be thinking about things which we wouldn't be willing to share with our mothers (or female colleagues).

E.g:               I wonder if that hot girl i saw this morning has a boy friend...

                         

                                                             OR

                         Gotta catch the first show of darling Namita's next film!

IMP NOTE: I've deliberatley given the examples which are somewhat 'U' rated and mentionable.Please be warned that 80% of the thoughts are, well.... unmentionable.      

I might pass off as a pervert for coming out of closet and saying this,but believe me,Every guy thinks the same! So u better make peace with that fact!!

P.S: If u honestly believe that ur boyfriend/lover/husband/brother doesn't think that way, my hearty condolences to you.

OFF TOPIC:

  Owing to some ideological differences with my dhobi, I washed my clothes all by myself after nearly 10 months and ready to dry them. And Whola!,It is raining cats and dogs in Chennai,In Mid May! 

  I guess Universe has its own unique way of saying-"BUWAHAHAHAA! DIE LOSER,DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!"