A JOURNEY THROUGH HELL...

Now,before i start,let me assure u that i am pretty liberal when it comes to judging movies. When i say liberal, i mean "Sees all kinds of crap". For most of my friends, if there aren't any buildings blowing up or women stripping down, that movie is "art". I bet that they will not sit through the first 15 minutes of a movie like... shall we say "crash"? Not me. I've incredulous amount of tolerance levels when it comes to watching dull movies. I take a certain amount of pride in that matter. But some days back, i met my nemesis! The time stood still, The air stopped circulating,life lost its meaning while i wasted away two and half hours of my precious life watching a "path-breaking" movie called... HOld ur breath...

2001: A space odyssey

Now some of u may be wondering like "Thats a wonderful movie! Whats wrong with u, freak!". To those people i respectfully say "Get the hell out of here,perverts! Before the spirit of lucifer engulfs me..."

phew... Sorry for that little outburst.Anyway,the only reason i saw that movie was it was hailed as the best space movie ever by so-called critics. The movie's length was 3 hours. Now let me explain what the movie was about...


First 30 minutes: Repeated visuals of A bunch of chimps jumping around.Then one night, they find a lean door like rocky thingy infront of them. Then suddenly one of the chimps gets wild, goes on a killing spree.

Next 15 minutes: A large donut-shaped space station rolling around in space.
No,seriously.
YOu will see nothing but a visual of that wheel rolling,with the background of earth.The background music is worth mentioning here. Its like what you would expect from a stage musical drama.

Next 15 minutes: According to me, this was the best part of the film for several reasons. You get to hear the first dialogue of the film, You see a sight glimpse of something called a "plot", YOU will be offered a glimmer of (false) hope that the film was actually going somewhere.

Next 20 minutes: Now, let me digress here and explain the vision of the director. He thought that audience will be enthralled by seeing what exactly it would be like to be in space. So
we see a waitress walking in a reverse-gravity environment for 5 minutes.
a group of scientists travelling through a space capsule for 10 minutes.


To sum up the first one and half hour of the movie:

some scientists find A lean door like rocky thingy on the moon which was similar to the lean door like rocky thingy found by chimps a billion years ago...

My experience of these 90 minutes can be best described as "painful".(It still hurts to recall those scenes!)


Next 20 minutes: 8 years later, two guys on a secret mission to mars.And oh, they are guided a super computer with a personality. The mission was so secret that even the guys also dont know what it is...
On retrospect,it is the second best part of the movie.

Now, this computer is a funny thing. I believe it's name is HAL.It controls all the ship,super competent,in its own words," It is never wrong"

The hope of a coherent plot is up again.U start looking for a connection.Let me warn u, U are in for a rude shock!

Next,30 minutes: Predictably,HAL goes crazy,much like the chimp in the first reel,takes control over the ship,kills one guy,tries to kill another.The other guy gets pissed off,kills the computer by disconnecting its memory.

It may sound exciting, but believe me,YOu wish u were watching "Ram gopal varma ki aag" instead of this. and here's why....

1. The director chose a dim red light to represent the HAL,Its more of like a survilience camera actually.Though the computer is spread all over the ship, whenver Tha HAL speaks,the screen is filled with the image of that red camera. After one point, it becomes so silly that u will not be able to decide if u want to laugh or cry!

2. The music director scores again. This 30 minutes are such a musical mess that i was half determined to dig his grave and slap him reeeeeaal hard! ( I am assuming he would be dead by now,If he is not, I am buying myself a plane ticket!)

3. The whole process of one guy dying and the other guy killing HAL is such a slow process that it almost qualifies as "slow poison"

Next 20 minutes:

Ah! the final 20 minutes... I have no words to explain what happens in the climax. Because honestly, i didn't understood a bit.

If i have to, i will say its a mixture of random shots of the protagonist's face mixed with some eye soaring images of the universe, with camera zooming ahead all kinds of colors spreading around for so long that u will start screaming," Gaaaa! SOMEBODY STOP THE MOVIE! SOMEBODY PAUSE IT...!!!"

And in the last few minutes,Our hero finds himself in a room and see that lean door like rocky thingy.then some strange stuff happens that is not even explainable. Then the music director goes for a knock out punch on ur face.... finally when the end credits role, U won't know how u feel... happy for ur future as u r still alive or sad for ur mind which was scarred for life with the movie's memories...


To sum up the next 80 minutes:

An intelligent computer screws the mission to mars to find abt that lean door like rocky thingy.
then some weird stuff happens!

I racked up my brains trying to find the connection between the two threads of the movie..
1. the computer on the killing spree
2. the weird rocky thingy

I guess its one of those great unanswerable questions of life.....


I may seem a little harsh in reviewing this film.But allow me to say once again that THIS FILM SUCKS! ITS THE WORST FILM I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE!


Apparantly, the director once said that " the film is open to interpretation. I don't want to tell what i wanted to depict and ruin it for the audience. let them draw their own conclusions"

Now, thats very fishy! My theory goes like this:

the director directed the entire movie while he was taking drugs.then a highly acclaimed critic saw the movie when he was inebriated by a dozen beers and mumbled something like " thaz muvviee iz wundurrfaalll. itch pewwr aart!.Ifyuu donch gettit, yuu arrr a moraan!".

Now eager to prove that they were not morons, all the other critics joined the band and blew the trumphets of the movie.

The director,meanwhile cured in a rehab centre,was clueless when he was asked for the directors cut.So he came up with that ingenious reply!


I know its a long shot but i dont see any other explanation here....
Ofcourse, i realize that there is a offchance that the movie is a classic and i am an idiot for not understanding it. but my massive igo and immense arrogance doesn't allow me to think so....


So... thats what i wanted to say about the path breaking movie of all time "2001: a space odyssey" or as i prefer to call "utter sh*t"

**********************************************************

Women! Did ur boyfriend/husband called u fat? or made fun about ur shopping? do u want to punish him but
without him realizing that?Here is the way... propose that u two spend some quality time by catching a cool flick. Then put this DVd. as the titles are rolling, mumble something like
"good god!How could i forget!Honey! I've to call somone. You carry on... and YOU tell me the story evvvvry bit when i come back!"
( say this last line as seducingly as possible)
Then run like hell!
Run for ur life!

Best Job Ever!

I always find myself thinking about how i should be spending my post retirement years. You may think it is  a bit early to plan,considering i am just 23.But i like to plan ahead.Anyway, acknowledging the fact that i am the laziest fellow on earth and stupendously incompetent at many things, i always thought i have no option but to sit in a arm chair and read newspapers. But there was always some glitter of hope in me that i can find some sort of job which will be fun,respectable and allow me to sit and relax all day. It seems like a christmas miracle,but i think i found my post - retirement job!

  On christmas eve, i went to Santhome church in mylapore. It was good, but i didn't find a lot of people. I gotta say i was surprised. Anyway,its all a bit alien to me,so i was observing closely. In a corner, i saw a very old man with a this-is-my-last-day-on-earth look in him sitting in a chair looking around. he is wearing some kind of priesty clothes, so i assumed he was some sort of father( i really don't know all these terms). But i was perplexed. I mean, what exactly was he doing? i found the answer soon enough. A young lady came to him and sat on her knees beside him. She started whispering in his ear.He looked very attentive, he bore a sympathetic face,nodding gently now and then. Then it hit me.

He is the guy who listens to all the confessions! Bingo.... hello, my future job!

  Now,let me confess to you why i thought this job will be ideal for me. I think it should be pretty obvious but for the slow graspers out there, it involves me sitting cozily in a chair listening to people admitting that they were idiots and jerks. I don't see how any job can be more fun than that.

Hallelooyah! ( to hell with the spelling!)

  Obviously, there are lot of problems with this plan.On the top of my head, technically i have to be a christian. and may be i have to climb a job ladder until i reach that position. I have no idea if u have to be a junior priest,assistant priest that kind of thing, but i will bother about that later. i don't think that will be a big issue. If any documents are required, i will fake them. for christ's sake, we can even get fake passports and visas these days! how hard that can be? May be i will fake a document appointing me as a honorary priest and take it to a not-so-famous church and settle there. I will create the document so that it will be signed by Pope himself,so that i will be getting a lot of respect.

 Getting recomendation from pope gets another problem out of my way: doing all the priest related work.

I don't know what those guys do when they are not listening to people pouring their hearts out,but i am not interested in it. i will avoid all that stuff. But i make it sound noble. May be i will say something along the lines of " These earthly matters doesn't interest me.My lord instructed me to bless his children by listening to their sins. Now, send that lady in. She seems to have a naughty secret.. i mean confession"

  But do you know what my biggest challenge will be? keeping a straight face while listening to those  naughty/funny/stupid/horrible tales. I may be tempted to say some thing wicked or naughty sometimes...

Hot girl: Father,bless me,for i have sinned.I've betrayed my parents' trust by sleeping with my boy friend.

Me : whoo... Thats one lucky bastard! I mean amen....

          OR

Crazy guy: Father, i killed my father and my two brothers so that i can get his 100 crores of property. will the lord forgive me?

Me : Sure, oops... It seems i forgot to turn off the recorder. Anyway, i negotiated with the lord and he is willing to forgive you if you share 10% of that property with his blessed child,me! BUWAHAHAHA!

            OR 

boring old lady: Then he said, "there is no salt in the curry" .I said," You are mean to me,you don't love me any more". he said....

Me : Now,finish ur confession real fast and get the hell outta here, Grandma! or else i will choke you to death and confess it to my self!

See what i mean?? Its going to be very difficult not to do those things. 

But i will manage some how!

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: I KNOW THIS POST IS IN VERY BAD TASTE. IN MY DEFENCE, I DIDN'T SAY THAT 

I AM A NOBLE SAMARITAN.

TAKE A CHILL PILL!

SANDEEPHISM

My favourite passtime involves me fantasizing about stuff i think i would like to do but in real life too timid to actually do it. To day is your lucky day! you are going to get a chance to peek into my fantasy world for a while.

    Today i saw a lady in my office wearing a burkha  on the top of her dress. Call it creepy coincidence, but today i also saw a sikh guy sporting a huge beard and a guy wearing overall blacks as he is in "ayyappa diksha".

   This is disturbing on many levels. 

Apparantly,not shaving ur beard is bad for the company and moral of the employees,but okay if your religion doesn't allow it. Similarly,wearing formal clothes is neccessary for professional environment,

but not if ur religion forbids it. Apparantly if our clients see this bearded guys and burkha women they will understand that they are simply following their religion. so no loss for company.

This is exactly the  kind of situation where my wicked mind will go gaga over various possibilities.

So i digged up some HR policy list in our company website and bingo! I found that Our company will give "Reasonable" exceptions to people regarding their dress code based on their religions.

There are two loose terms here. one is "reasonable" and another is, of course : "Religion" . I can to use them to my advantage. So i fantasized about talking my HR into giving me permsion to wear normal clothes and chappals to office. It will probably go like this:

Me: So, i understand that Our company is willing  to make reasonable exceptions to accomdate my religious beliefs.

HR : Yes, we do.

Me: kool. Because my religion doesn't allow me to wear shoes. god will make me rot in hell if i hide my feet from fellow human beings.

HR: (probably confused): I never heard of that before.  What religion is that??

Me: (casually): Oh, i don't have a name for it. but i am thinking along the lines of sandeephism.

do u like it??

HR: Are you saying that u founded ur own religion??

Me: yup,I don't see why i should follow other religions  which are thousands of year old and obviously outdated. My religion is kooler and trendier.

HR: (shocked)

Me: Of course, for now, its a lonely religion, but i am hoping to convince my parents and my brother to join it.

HR: Um, i am afraid we don't recognize...

Me: (angrily) What? Are you insulting my religion? Are you insulting my god's ways?? I am gonna complain to the regional HR head that you are showing discrimination against my religion..

HR: (aghast): But That rule in ur religion is wierd...

Me: Hey, if sikhs can believe that they are not supposed to display their hair, why can't i believe that i am not supposed to NOT display my feet?? Thats it. I am escalating it to....

HR: okay, okay, U may wear chappals to work.

Me: Good, now according to my religion, I am only supposed to wear round neck T shirts with funny captions.... 

   I hope you got the hang of what i was hoping to achieve here. But alas, I am too timid to actually go and talk to my HR, So i fantasize and write blog entries about it. But hey, thats cool too....

QUESTION: Assuming i convinced ur HR that followers of my religion need not wear shoes and ties and formals, will you convert to sandeephism and proclaim me as ur prophet??

 

THE BOY WHO LOVED SANTA CLAUS

I am glad to inform u all that my flawless strategy "Hoping for the best" worked well.The best thing about this strategy  is,nobody can argue what exactly is "best". so I win. Period.

    anywaz,today i will tell you a story. So grab a pack of chips and read on....

      somwhere in this world, there lived a boy.His name is irrelevent. He could be any one.

He is a small boy, just 6 or 7 years old. He loves his parents, he loves his dolls, and ofcourse, he loves Santa claus. Now, he got to know about santa when he was three years old. His parents told him about santa. He was excited. His parents told him that he can wish for anything  and on christmas eve, santa would brint it to him. But he has to be a good boy or else santa will get angry and will not bring any gifts.

     

         The boy is obviously enthralled with the idea. I mean come on.... A fatold man with a long beard, riding on a cart of mules,landing on rooftops, sneaking presents beside children's beds,who wouldn't love that kind of idea?

     

      So, our boy got what he wanted for that christmas, and he couldn't thank santa enough! Next year, he asked for a fancy bycycle. But he didn't get it. He got a modest bicycle instead. The boy was very upset. Why wouldn't santa give me what i wanted? Am i not good enough?? didn't i behave well?? His parents tried to pacify him. 

  "son!" they said, "Santa knows  what is best for you.What ever is his decision, you have to accept it. It is for your own good only"

"Remember,Honey! If he gives what u asked for, he loves you.

                                    If he didn't ,he will give you something better eventually"

     The boy was convinced with his parents' pep talk. Of course, santa knows the best! He loves me! but for some reason, he decided that i dont need that bicycle. With this logic, he answered him self.

   Two or three years passed. One day our boy is playing with another boy. In between conversation, they began to talk about Santa. Then to our boys astonishment, the other boy said

"But ofcourse, Santa is not real,dude"

     Our boy was shocked. I mean, what kind of talk is that! thats blasphemy ! He will rott in hell. He is not going to get any presents this christmas, The joke is on him. HA!

       Then that boy said,"Of course, I too thought he was real upto some time. But then i realised, Its my parents who sneak up to my bed and and put all my presents there. Its not santa. So i don't believe in santa anymore. If i want something, i will ask my parents directly."

  Our boy ran to his parents crying .He told them everything he heard from that wicked friend of his.

   

     *********************************************************

 OK. Story over. Now a lets analyse is a bit. The above story can happen anywhere. Upto this point. But In the climax, When the boy  cried what if the parents never told him the truth? they advised the little boy to stay away from that blasphemous  kid?? What if for some reason, if every parent behaves in that way and every kid continued to believe in santa???  What if they all grow up still believing in santa?? 

       

        Instead of asking for a bike, they ask him for good grades in exams or a nice girl friend. And when their wish got fulfilled they thank him and trust him more. If its not fulfilled,they know its for their own good. After all, santa knows the best. and...

   Wait a minute. Wait a minute.. Is it just me or is this situation sounding reaalllly familiar??

To me, this santa guy seems familiar. YES! i know him. People call him "GOD"!

   OK. No kidding. I will come straight to the point. Aren't people a bit like the boy in the story, believing in a compassionate almighty looking after them,listening to their wishes,aspirations and granting them. I agree. Its a good feeling to believe that some one is looing after us. But It takes a lot of courage to come to terms with the fact that there is no one out there. You are your own master. You have to look after youself. Thats why i admire atheists. About the people who believe in god, I am not saying i dont respect them. but, Well, they look like kids who believe in santa to me. They may feel  a lot better, but they need to grow up!

P.S: To all those people who are in middle with the talk of  "You can't disprove god either", you dont have to prove that something doesn't exist. Its the responsibility of people who believe that the thing exists to prove that the thing really exists. going by your stupid logic, you cant prove that there is no monster hiding under your bed either!

CAT CALLS!

To all those people who are driving me crazy with their requests,demands,beggings for a new post,here is the good news. I am back! Now there will meaning for your life again, you will be able to love others, blah blah... ( u get the general idea,right?)

    Ok. Where have i been? 

Only a stupid will answer that question like " Just like that. ran out of ideas" or " i am too lazy to write."

 

An average guy's answer will be along the lines of "Been too busy with work"

I will do you a favour and let you know the ultimate answer. its " Nothing excited me enough to 

write". its short. its smart. It shifts blame from u.  Feel free to use it.

You are welcome!

Oh! My answer??

You guys won't leave, will ya?

Ok. I hate to brag,but i 've been preparing an flawless strategy to crack the CAT.

I call it "Hoping for the best".

i know, i know it just sounds like unwarranted optimism. but i dont have a thousand option here.

My strategy is based on the following assupmtions:

Losers toil like hell designing the strategy.

Managers  do what ever they felt like doing and call it a strategy!

Sounds like i am a born manager. 

And thats why i am writing CAT this year. 

 

    

Socially Challenged Persons

Today, I will introduce to you a special type of people. I like to call them "The Socially Handicapped People" or " The Socially Challenged People" . I don't know how many people can be counted in that category but i am hoping that i am not the only one. Coz it would freak me out !

Ok. Who are these socially challenged people(SCP)?? I will explain with an example. Imagine this situation.

A couple is taking a walk along the road. Girl sees a cockroach and screams. how would a normal guy react? and how would a SCP react?? Lets see...

Girlfriend: blah blah blah...

Normal guy:hmm.... aha.... oh.....

Girlfriend sees a cockroach,screams and holds guys hand.

Normal guy: Sweet heart, don't be afraid. I am there with you naa... I love you!

Girlfriend: I love you too!

i will leave the next scene to your wicked imaginations!

Now the same scenario with our nerdish SCP.

Girl friend: blah blah blah..

SCP:

( Stares blankly at her. nods his head vigoroulsy in an effort to convey to her that he is actually listening)

Girlfriend:

( sees a cockroach,screams and holds the guy's hand)

SCP: (to himself)

Whats wrong with her? Its only a cockroach?? I mean who is afraid of cockroach??

Is she trying to satisfy my male ego by making me feel like i am protecting her?

If the SCP guy is in terminal stage, then instead of wondering to himself, he will let those thoughts out.

********************************************

So, i guess you got a hang of what a socially challenged person means. He is a person who dont know how to behave in a social situation. He feels like he is attending a exam when he is in a group. By trying to be funny, he often embarasses himself. He is more comfortable with non living things than living things. Because of this inability he is often mistaken for arrogant,aloof idiot. Well, I am one.

I don't know why. I don't know how to make small talk. My conversation with a typical friend goes like this.

friend: hi

me: hi

friend: hows everything?

me: fine

friend: what else

me: nothing.

friend: hows life?

me: ya fine. every thing is routine.

friend: Um... ok bye

me: ok. bye!

I don't know how people manage to talk for hours on phone. The above conversation is the best i can manage. in fact, one friend accused me that i am not interseted in talking to him. He said that may be he was disturbing me. I told him that theres nothing like taht and i am glad to talk to him. I just dont know what to talk! He got angry and hanged up.

I don't know how to keep relations. I don't know how to keep in touch with old friends.

worse yet, i don't know how to make new friends!

If a person who works in my office and with whom i never talked too much ran into me outside, i dont know what to do .Am i supposed to smile at him and go? or am i supposed to say hi and chat for some time? Am i supposed to ignore him ??

In office, When a co worker is coming straight ahead of me in opposite direction, am i supposed to make eye contact?? am i supposed to mumble some greeting?? can i ignore him??

It all may seem silly to you. May be you are doing all this stuff by reflex so that you are not aware that this kind of problems actually existsBut Thats not the case with me. every minute i am not alone is like a test to me!

I know this post sucks. Never mind. but next time when u see a person suffering with these symtoms of SCP, please dont think he is arrogant. Thats all i am hoping from this post!

Life, Death and The Bucket List

Have u ever wondered when will it all will be over? When will u die? how would it feel to be dead? ( dumb question, i know, but its got a mystic,ironic feel to it.) well. You will certainly ponder about all these questions after watching this movie... "The bucket List".
It refers to a list of to-dos of two terminally ill cancer patients before they die in six months.
I wont dwell into the story but i would recommend u to watch it.
But seeing the movie spurred something in me... i sat calmly and thought for an hour. One question disturbing my mind???
"When u are in deathbed and about to die, what will be the thoughts in ur mind?"
"if your life scrolls before ur eyes, what images that would contain?"

Eventually, i figured out some answers and frankly, they are really disturbing for me.
When u are about to die, you wont remember the movies u watched. No, u wont think about ur favourite hero.
You wont think about the cricket matches u saw on TV. u wont give a damn whether india won the T20 or Test series with Australia...
You wont think about any material pocessions ( sorry if it sounded like a cliche..).
You would only think about ur loved ones. The love u got from others since u was a child.
and the love you gave to others.
You may argue that there is nothing new in this discovery. But personally its painful for me.
coz i realised at that moment that may be i am prioritizing my life in a wrong way.
may be i am giving importance to frivolus things and neglecting important things. I wont dwell into personals and stop here.
I've anther question for u. If u know that u are going to die in a month or so. how would ur attitude towards the world change??
Let me guess....
You will appreciate the small wonders of life.
You will try to love everbody in ur life.
The silly opinions u held against some people won't matter and
some of your adamant beliefs seem unimportant.
You will see the world from a whole new paradigm.
and if u have enough positve attitude,
you will try live every remaining day of your life...
Why do we need a deadline from death to think in this way?
Why cant we do that now?
Before i stop,I will leave you with these questions from the movie.... Think about them...
Have u found joy in your life??
and most importantly
Have u given joy to other people around you??

PISS WORDS

Not too long ago, the biggest worries for mankind were hunger,calamities,death,war etc.. gone are those golden days!
The second most fearful thing after death for me is not public speaking anymore. Its now fear of forgetting passwords.
I may sound like i am exaggerating but just look at the list of passwords i have to remember…
1. My mail account.
2. My office computer
3.My laptop
4.My bank account
5.My Railways website account.
6.My office mail account.
7. My office helpdesk account.
8.My blog account.
9. My ultimatix account(its very complex to explain what it is. Lets just say that is my office website.)
and i didnt even mentioned my multiple email accounts, blog accounts!
“What’s the big deal,loser!” you may ask. “whats the worst thing that can happen?
there are always options like “Did u forget ur password?’”.
Yup. There are. But to me, they look like ” u forget ur password yet again, mudhead! Are you positive that u know the alphabets??”. Its a personal problem.
anywayz that list was not an end for me!
you might observe that the contribution of my office to the above list is quiet significant. its not a coincidence. After all, every company’s primary goal is to torture their employees in new and innovative ways.
(now know why i am a loser…!!)
But my company didnt think this was enough. After what i thought an eternity on bench, i got allocated to a proshit.(it u think i misspelled it, think again!). now i swear i have to remember 10 more passwords which are purely work related and highly confidential and critical. even worse, if i mistype the password for 3 times, the respective account gets locked, and it takes an entire day to sort out the mess.
And in the confidentiality agreement i signed, i am sure that there was a condition in a obscure corner that i am responsible for any kind of information leak from my PC.
So, i live in constant fear of forgetting my passwords or losing them.
The ultimate thing that pisses me off is while i select my passwords.
should be atleast 10 characters
mustn’t be easy to guess
should contain Captial and small letters
must contain Numbers and symbols
must change every week( for my work related passwords)
even u should nt remember it after 10 minutes of distraction
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA………..! Isnt there any simpler way??????????