MY PERFECT SUICIDE PLAN

I've decided to commit suicide.Life is just not worth living. Don't try to convince me about the beauty of life and the love of your family. I've reached this decision after considerable thought and It is full and final.

Don't ask me why i want to end my life.Don't ask me what's wrong with my life? Coz evrything is wrong with my life. This is not the life i wanted to live. This is not the job i wanted to do. I don't have any big troubles like our tollywood heroes.But I hate my life. It is just.... empty! Hopelessly empty.....! I was not sure about the hopelessness of the situation untill today,but now i am.There is only one way i can end this misery,by ending my life!

Now that i've decided to kill myself,the next big question is how??I've ruled out orthodox techniques like jumping off buildings,setting fire to myself,or putting my head on the railway tracks.because,ummm.... they hurt! Apparantly dyng is more painful than living,And there is a non zero chance that my life will get back on track sometime in the future. It is not optimism,god forbid!Its the rule of the probability and the rule of the universe!I don't want my soul or spirit or whatever it is to have following conversation with god....

soul: Hello, god boy! So u exist,huh??
God: You are surely one sorry guy,aren't u??.Why did u kill urself??
soul:got bored of life,u know!didn't felt like living....
God: Um.... Are u aware that 10 of your female friends secretly love you, Your rich distant relative wrote his entire property in your name and you will be the most popular 'life-of-the-party-guy' in 5 years??
soul: Oops!
God: Never mind. Any way, i've developed a random birth allocator. and lets see whats your next birth....uh,oh! a bug!
soul:There is a bug in your code??
God: NO.... It is your next birth.a Bug!
Soul: NNNNNNNNOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

See??? I don't want my afterlife to suck more than my real life. So i thought hard and came with a perfect sucide plan.HOld your breath....

I've decided to follow the best unhealthiest life style.No healthy food,No healthy drinks,No exercise.My diet conists of junk food,noodles,pizzas,burgers and all the bad stuff.I will eat whenver i feel like it. I will skip breakfasts and lunches and live on biscuits and chips on holidays.I will sleep irregualarly,eat irregularly.With all this unholy diet, i hope i can get a heart attack by the age of 40.

Your first reaction might be along the lines of " What the *&^#?".I understand.Because only a genius mind (like mine) can comprehend the ingenuity of this plan.Since most of you folks are clueless dorks(admit it,its true!),i will take the responsibility of explaining the genius of this plan.
since i've decided to die at the age of fourty,I don't need to bother about my retirement,hence no need to bother about savings,No need to bother about career,no need to kiss-ass ur boss.

Dying at forty means no need to marry and no children.

Its all downhill from the forties anyway. so i wil live the good part of my life to the fullest,and then while others are waiting for the sweet hug of death, i will be proactive and run into its arms.
And eating your way to a heart attack is techinically not suicide. so even if god exists, i think i can come out clean, NO "killing urself is a sin"will apply to me...

the best part of the plan is,if in the future, penelope cruz comes to me and begs me to shag her(thanks to austin powers,this is my new favourite word!),I will be available.

I realize that the possibility of that happening is slim,but hey, i am not a optimal optimist!

And suddenly if my life takes a sharp U-turn,I can always behave good again,and in 10 years,medical science will be good enough to make me clean enough to live a healthy life again...So,My plan 'B' is also ready!

The only risk as i see it is that i may die at 39 instead of 40 if i overdid my crazy plan.but i am willing to take that risk.
Wish me luck......

AM I A PERVERT OR WHAT??

                                                                

I started having crush on a woman.

It is wrong on so many levels...

She is foreigner.

She is Married.

She is a mother of a six year old devil.

Probably,she is 8 or 9 years older than Me.

But the thing that freaks me most is....

She is a cartoon!

No,She is literally a cartoon.

Have you ever seen Bill Watson's Masterpiece "Calvin and Hobbes"?

She is calvin's mother!!!!                                     

I can't help it. She is impossibly cute and at the same time, strangely sexy.

Now i find myself wishing i was a cartoon so that i can be with her. Although i've to get rid of calvin and his dad. 

Gaaaaaaaaaaa!!! What am i thinking?? she is driving me crazy!!!!!!! Somebody help me.....

FLASHBACKS OF A FOOL

I don't know if things that happened two days ago count as "Flashback". The fact is i am too lazy to think a original title for the post and being  an  indian,I assumed it is my birthright to copy stuff and call it "Inspiration".However it is only coincidence that this is second time i got inspired from this Daniel craig's films.(the first one is my blog title,if u are autistic enough to not to observe,by the way).

  Any how, This post is my recollection of my first flying experience, and be assured that i will 

cleverly insert all the copied stuff in between and pass it off as my own. Oh, and of course, I will 

pathetically try to be witty,funny,and whatever things popular humorists sound like(My vocabulary leaves much to be desired).

 To be honest,NO frill airlines are under rated. Based on what i've read in books and heard from others i expected to travel in somekind of Metal box with stools  for seats. And i expected the air hostesses to look like my college mates ( I thought i would write my classmates, then i figured i can reduce the probability of getting my self killed by atleast 10 times by replacing the word "class" with "college"!)

 But may be i jumped ahead a little bit. Let me start over. Apparantly, i've got "first time flier" 

written all over my face.So a spice jet worker came to me and assisted me in everyway possible. right from,scanning of baggage to sending me through security,he took care. Then i went to the terminal and sticked my face to the glass and watched all the airplanes on the outside with my tongue hanging out from my mouth. I don't remember if i was drooling,but i can't rule out the possibility!

  when the call for boarding was announced, all the passengers started rushing towards the boarding gate,as if the seats were unreserved and they have to stand if they were late! Hmm,In india somethings never change!

 The airhostess is saying "Good evening" to every moron in her way,so there's nothing special in 

that.However, I got the seat beside a frickin' idiot.I call him that partly because i wanted to use the word frickin' somwhere in the post,It sounds cool;but partly because i saw him at the boarding pass issue counter.He demanded the he should be getting  a seat at the emergency window!After he got it, he exclaimed with air of truimph

       "U never know what will happen once we are in air".

  Then the airhostess stood before me and explained to the passengers how they should escape in the event of a catastrophe.Apparantly we are supposed to pull a life jocket beneath the seat,take the oxygen mask from the top,open the emergency exit from the side and do a lot of other stuff within seconds. dying sounded a lot more easier. Any way, frankly i was not paying much attention to what she was saying. It took every ounce of my will power to stop myself from ogling at her sexy legs.

They were 10 inches from my eyes,for Satan's sake!

 To divert myself from her legs, i started imagining how it would be to die in this plane.Strangely the thought of dying in a plane crash didn't bother me much.I mean, its so much better than dying in a roadkill. I can almost imagine a conversation between my soul and some other souls at the gates of hell (in case u are wondering, Yes! i am going to hell,if there is one.) chit chatting about how we died.

It will go something like this.

soul 1: I drenched in rain, caught pneumonia and died

soul 2: I slipped in my bathroom, hit the sink hard and bang, i am here

Soul 3: I went to a party with a girl and ram sena activists have beatn me to death.

My soul: (casually) OH... it was nothing u know. My plane caught fire in mid air, There was a big hole formed. I was sucked out of the plane, I got hold of one of the wings,but then the wing itself came off, 

then in the mid air, i was hit by another plane. the last thing i saw was that another plane also 

bursting into flames!

soul 4: SO... u WERE THE MYSTERIOUS OBJECT THAT CRASHED MY PLANE!

ALL OTHER SOULS(to me): Damn U, thats a cool way to die!!

  Imagination over. Back to reality. But reality is very boring.Nothing significant happened. I opened my 700 page book -The hitchhikers' guide to galaxy and read it untill the plane landed. then i got off...

Epilogue:

 The next day, In the interview ( i went to delhi for an interview,by the way) 

a girl asked me

" Weren't u in the spice jet plane yesterday?"

I was shocked that i was actually noticed.I half expected her to ask why i was ogling at the airhostess' legs.

 But she asked," Weren't u the one who was reading that 10 pound book??"

Oh. It was the book then."Yes" i sheepishly said.

"did u barrowed it or bought it?" she asked.

I interpreted the question like this,

 "If u borrowed it, U are a fool, god forbid, If u actually bought it,U were a stupid Moronic fool!"

 for a moment i thought I would say that i borrowed it from the fricking guy next to me, but then i realized that she might have seen me walking down the ramp of the aiplane reading the book.So i stuck to the truth.

"I bought it" i said.

She rolled her eyes and went away.

"Score!" I said to myself and made a note to myself to write about this in my blog.

A song from Heaven...

Okay... I know second post in the same day is a bit too much but i can't wait.

I wanted to share this song with all of you ( i.e,probably 5 or 6 people who read this blog!).

I didn't noticed the beauty of this song when watching the film due to Rakesh Ompraksh Mehra's

Unbelievable Imaginative picturisation. Its like He melted the essence of old delhi and sprinkled all over the time's square....

But when i  was casually listening to Delhi 6 songs yesterday,this song struck me... and how!!

I listned again, and again, and again,..... Then i turned on the repeat mode in the windows media player and sat there quietly. I think i heard it around 19 times......

I didn't get sleep all the night. This song kept ringing in my ears.... Hats off, Rehman! Just when i think that i 've seen the best of you, U keep surprising me....

LISTEN HERE....

Why do we protest over all the wrong stuff??

Whats all this fuss i am hearing about some guy auctioning Gandhi's stuff?? Why everybody is making a big deal out of it? Correct me if i am wrong, but as i know it, That stuff was given away by gandhi himself in his time.How can we demand this Otis guy to stop the auction? Its not our national property.

It is his property. He can do whatever he wants to do with that stuff.He can throw it in the toilet and flush it away if he feels like it,for sanity's sake! Who are we to stop him?

   If we care that much about Gandhi's stuff,The only thing we can do is to enter the auction and bid it for ourself.

 And to repeat the words of good old Munnabhai, Instead of fussing about a pair of sandals  and broken glasses, May be we should first follow whatever things that poor old guy preached his mouth off!

On a related note,If our government is that much concerned about our nation's cultural property, it should consider getting the kohinoor diamond and peacock throne back from England. That stuff was stolen from us and rightfully ours. and that is what we can call "national property".

MY DUMB MOMENTS

Did u ever said or did something terribly stupid... that u cringe in embarassment everytime you think of it?? Considering the fact that i am a SCP and have less than average commonsense, I have many such moments. 

I call them my DUMB MOMENTS. On a related note,I feel very clever and savvy in prescence of some people,but if i am with certain people, I almost feel like a mentally retarded person.I feel so self concious.In those occasions, I usually try to do smart things and mess it up further. Does anybody out there feel the same way?? Coming back to my dumb moments, I had one recently in my journey to pune.I was standing in a cafe in Pune railway station waiting for my train.I ordered some coffee and looked around for a place to sit. There was an empty table at one corner but there were no chairs. So i looked around for some chairs and saw one at one table.Two girls were giggling and ha-ha-ing at that table.So i went up to them and said, "Hi! Can i take this chair??" One girl was sppechless, the other girl looked shockingly and unbelievingly at me. Now i was confused. Did i say something wrong?? Did i said without my knowledge something like,

"U are damn hot baby, want a ride??" for a full three and half seconds I tried to recall what i said while maintaining my 'i-am-a-decent-guy'smile. After the agonising 4 seconds one girl said "Nooooooo..." in the most condescending way possible. That "No........" sounded something like " BAck off!U nerdy nerd boy! we are too hot for u..." to me. So i kept my 'i-am-a-decent-guy' smile flashing and went back to my table. Exactly two hours and twenty minutes later, while i am in my train trying to sleep,It hit me! The mysterious reason behind that mistaken reaction.... Somehow those girls interpreted my question as "Can i sit with u girls and join your conversation?" My first reaction was,"Damn it! What those girls must have thought of me??" Then being the nerd i am my thoughts were " Was the sentence i framed wrong?? In that case, what will be the correct sentence to convey my meaning..." But later i realised it was not completely bad experience at all. After all, i made pass at a couple of hot girls,albeit unknowingly. But still, in my nerdy world it is a huge achievement. The fact that i was bluntly rejected at my unwitting flirting didn't deter me. Now all i have to do is add something spicy of my own this story and tell it to my unsuspecting fellow nerdish friends and bang..... I am their HERO!! This is undoubtably my best dumb moment.....